Issue #11: Honest, Direct, Respectful
Three simple words that did change my life, offering personal empowerment and peace of mind
Book Review
Honest, Direct, Respectful: Three Simple Words That Will Change Your Life by Dennis D. Adams
But, with practice, could I become fast and precise with my communications? What would that look like? Who would be offended and leave? Who would love it and stick around? If I exercise intention, integrity, and bravery behind this tool of “honest, direct, respectful” what could I build??
What would an army of us look like?
Audio version: Kate reads this article to you!
Book information and ratings:
Honest, Direct, Respectful | by Dennis D. Adams, 2006 | |
Genre: | Nonfiction |
|
Subject: | Communication, Relationships | |
Rating: | Worth the investment | |
Read as: | Print copy | |
Readability: | Accessible | |
Subject Weight: | Light | |
How I found this book:
This article is literally brought to you by Julie.
Have I told you about Julie?
Julie has warm brown eyes and a megawatt smile; her soul reaches velvety depths, and her mind flashes intellect, wit, and humor. She is a universe unto herself–like an opal. She is my intellectual soul sister and (obviously) one of my favorite people!
****
Julie and I were out for breakfast one Sunday morning. Over my omelet and her french toast, I was continually whining about something…blah, blah, blah…and she started mentioning this book: “It’s called respectful, direct…or honest, respectful…Bahhh! I’ll look it up,” which she did while I ran to the restroom.
Returning to the booth, I plopped down, my phone already perched between my thumbs,
“Ok, so, what’s the book called?”
“Oh, I just ordered it for you. It should be to your house by Wednesday,” she said with a sly smile.
That is so Julie.
****
A seemingly empty envelope showed up in my mailbox, but I did find a small, thin, utterly inconspicuous book inside. The cover claims that “Honest, Direct, Respectful” are the “three simple words that will change your life.”
Oh, really???…I thought to myself, sounds gimmicky…and I abandoned it on my desk for a couple of days.
About this book:
I don’t know that I ever would have picked up this book without Julie’s recommendation. The author specifically marketed this as a business communication model–but, like all plums of truth, feeds effortlessly into interpersonal communication as well.
****
The book starts out identifying two communication types: Passive or Reactive. (Yes, it is just as self-explanatory as it sounds.) Neither communication style is great.
The premise of the book (as reflected in the title) is that effective communication is built on being honest, direct, and respectful–all three. (This might seem obvious when it is articulated, but most of us were not taught this type of assertive, clear communication–I know I wasn’t.)
The Passive or Reactive approach lacks one or more of those qualities: either they aren’t honest (Passive or Reactive), they aren’t direct (usually Passive problem), or they aren’t respectful (usually Reactive problem).
The author then gives introspective questionnaires to help you define your type. He includes visual graphics for the incomplete emotion cycles of each type. He also expands to include two more types: a Passive-Reactive combination and TOP (Ticked Off Passive).
****
This is all great. I get what he’s saying. I don’t really need the questionnaires, because I know I am a passive people pleaser (see my article on The Disease to Please), but I identify with the emotion cycle he outlines.
The surprise is when (80% of the way through the book) he teaches the Focus Message. It goes like this:
Identify the person’s behavior.
When you______ (name behavior, don’t interpret)
Identify my feeling[s] about the behavior.
I feel________ (how do you feel?–don’t say “like…”)
Identify what I want, wish, or wonder.
I want, wish, or wonder_________
Then, STOP. Don’t say any more! (p 78 & 87)
****
As an example, he shares a personal situation from a business setting. During his seminar presentation, people at a back table were loud and distracting. Approaching the table after his presentation, he says:
“When I was giving the seminar and you folks were talking, I was really distracted. When I looked at you and you continued to talk louder, I was upset and frustrated. I hope you don’t treat other speakers the way you treated me tonight.” (p 83)
He walks the reader through his entire emotional process: his upset and frustration during his presentation, his anger at their perceived rudeness and disrespect, his doubt that he should say anything at all, the anxiety of confronting a table of other professionals–and the sense of personal respect and integrity he had as he walked away.
I put the book down, dumbfounded. He did it! I kept thinking, and there’s a formula!
****
While I see the wisdom, beauty, and value of this focus statement–at an emotional level, it scares the shit out of me. (Assertiveness can feel aggressive to a passive person, I’ve been told.)
You mean I have to confront the actual problem, and identify how I actually feel, and define how I want things to be–AND say it all out loud? TO THE PERSON!
What is this? A recipe for dynamite?!
****
Confrontation is obviously not my strong suit. It makes me feel all squirmy and hot–and I have been conditioned to choke on my words and stomp on my feelings rather than upset someone.
So, I did what I always do, and I took this formula and retreated to the page–assuring myself that it’s not because I’m a coward, but because I’m cautious and want to get the feel, the verbiage, the structure of the formula. (But, who am I kidding, really? I wonder as I sit down at my keyboard.)
I drafted four versions of the focus statement that were relevant to me–I wrote about all the frustrating things and all the annoying people I couldn’t stop complaining about.
****
Here is an innocuous example of a situation I find myself in on the regular–when “helpful” old women comment on the silver streaks in my hair. According to the formula, I could tell the nosey, opinionated old lady in line at the grocery store:
When you comment that I am too young to have gray hair (and why don’t I color that?),
I feel criticized, scrutinized, and less beautiful.
I wish you would respect me and the way I choose to wear my hair. I wish our culture could expand it’s definition of beauty.
I looked at the words on my screen–and nothing exploded. In fact, it was like someone pulled out my sizzling fuse.
Because what was simmering under the surface was my defensiveness:
Both my grandfathers had beautiful white hair–that’s why I have it!
It’s not gray, it’s silver!
My friends think it’s sparkly and beautiful and I wear it well!
Why do you think you have the right to impose your beauty standards on me?
Why do you think you can launch criticism at me?
This is not “helpful,” it’s hurtfulful!
It’s actually NONE of your business!!!
I scream all of this in my head. And I could run loops on these scenarios over and over, fueled by indignation and rage, because I am the victim here.
Instead, the focus statement lasered everything in. And, even though I didn’t speak the formula out loud, I discovered a level of internal resolution, because:
I at least knew the words
AND
I could weigh the cost of speaking them or not.
I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of empowerment!
****
This system works the other way, too. It doesn’t just cut through the bullshit, it can also be validating.
A few weeks ago, on a group text thread, a friend asked for feedback on a business idea and website. I responded back with 2 dozen questions–things that, as a consumer, I would want to know.
Later, my uncertainty came with claws ready to shred my confidence: What if he misunderstood this-or-that? Was I too this-or-that? What would so-and-so on the text thread think?…blah, blah, blah…But, my spiraling thoughts were interrupted by these three questions:
Was I honest? Was I direct? Was I respectful?
YES, three times over.
And, I realized that my thoughtful communication was actually a gift to my friend.
So, I could stop feeding that self-doubt and running those scenario loops. I thought: IF there is a problem (which I didn’t know if there was–that was something I made up), the problem is quite literally not mine. I could drop it.
And I was freed up to think about a million other things. (And, I found out later, there wasn’t a problem at all.)
I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of peace of mind.
****
My dad always told us kids that he wanted to be buried in a plain pine box. He said he didn’t care what he was wearing, but he wanted to be buried with a roofing hammer. “You do know the difference between a regular hammer and a roofing hammer, right?” he would ask.
“Yes, dad,” we would say in unison.
A roofing hammer has a strong, squarish head for nailing nails, but the back is like a small hatchet, which is used to chop shingles to the correct size. (Some include a notch on the bottom of the hatchet portion to help pull out nails, if needed.) It is a specialized, simple, and functional tool.
My dad has been a roofer since the 70s, and he still nails everything by hand–no nail guns on his job site! And, he’s FAST. He can work just as quickly with less hassle. He has a way of lining up nails in his left hand and precisely placing one nail after the other, driving each one home in two sure movements of his right arm–a perfect rhythm of:
place, tap-BANG…place, tap-BANG…place, tap-BANG.
This Focus Statement, this HDR tool, is just like my dad’s beloved roofing hammer. The hatchet side cuts through the dramatic and distracting bullshit (or at least cuts it down to size), but we can also use the hammer side to nail down effective communication.
Right now, my use of this tool is clumsy. I hold it in my hand, admire the heft, the blade, the hammer head. I take practice swings on paper. This is HARD work. I am unskilled, inexperienced, and unsure.
But, with practice, could I become fast and precise with my communications? What would that look like? Who would be offended and leave? Who would love it and stick around? If I exercise intention, integrity, and bravery behind this tool of “honest, direct, respectful” what could I build??
What would an army of us look like?
****
So, it looks like those three words did change my life after all.
(Thanks, Julie. XOXO.)
About the author:
Dennis D. Adams is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and is an Ombudsman/Mediator for a major health organization. He is a highly sought-after seminar and workshop speaker. He holds a degree in Communication/Theology from Biola University and earned a Master’s Degree, with honors, in Counseling Psychology from Saint Marry’s College in Moraga, California.
Sources:
Adams, Dennis D. Honest, Direct, Respectful. Sisters, OR, VMI Publishers, 2006.
*This is issue #11 of The Book Moth Newsletter
Visit katewebbwrites.com for more information and free resources. Thank you for your readership!