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I’ve been drawn to a specific phrase recently: let’s not over-optimize things.

I catch myself saying it in calls with clients when we’re developing project plans and priorities based on ebbs and flows in their real lives, like potential stressful times when work may feel harder to do, or periods when there’s a lot of free time and we want to use that free time well. (Looking at you, professors who are facing down final grades before summer break!)

I want my clients to have enough structure so they can eliminate unnecessary decision-making and get right down to business on the most important and urgent tasks. At the same time, I want them to have enough spaciousness so they can adjust their plans as needed to honor their bodies and minds and not fall behind on their milestones.

I also want this for me!

I was texting with a pal this week and shared that when I’m so busy that it feels like I can’t fit in a 10-minute meditation, it’s a cue that I’m doing too much.

If I’m rushing to complete tasks that I wanted to finish yesterday, then a 10-minute meditation is going to feel like like an imposition.

If I don’t feel like I have 10 minutes to let Friday sniff all the Spring smells in the back yard when I take her out to pee between calls, then I’m going to feel resentful towards her for being a perfectly normal, curious dog.

If I’m shoveling my lunch into my mouth standing up in the kitchen because 10 minutes sitting at the dining room table feels like a waste of time, then I need to have a loving but firm talk with myself because my values of mindfulness and non-urgency aren’t lining up with my actions.

Here’s what helps when I find myself in the clutch of false urgency.

Noticing it, naming it, and being compassionate with myself because I didn’t mean to get sucked back in to overwork but here I am again. There’s a balance to be struck with being soft with myself, but also taking my dysregulation seriously, because in addition to feeling like grumpy garbage, I do not want to model overwork as a sustainable or admirable practice for others.

My next step is practical. I go into my calendar and schedule in some blank space, which might look like skipping non-essential events I wanted to attend but it’s fine to miss, or rescheduling calls with friends, clients, or podcast guests (which does feel more challenging to do because it affects others, but no one ever had expressed frustration for this).

If I’m still feeling overwhelmed after I free up my schedule, I like to write a braindump of everything I’m worried about completing so I don’t have hold it all in my short-term memory. Then I comb through my list to prioritize tasks using the Must-Do Method, which helps me get real about what I truly need to do and what can wait for a little while.

For me, 10 minutes of meditation, showing up for that habit, the ways it supports me physically and mentally, claiming that self-care time—it is worth the extra effort needed to reclaim some space in my schedule. Even if it’s uncomfortable, or I worry I’ll let someone down, or I feel embarrassed, and even if I suspect I’ll find myself here in the non-urgent urgency trap again in the future, it’s still worth it to make space for myself every time.

If you’re in the same boat of not being able to fit in the small self-care practices because your day feels too busy, you’re not alone! My wish for us all is that we can claim a little more space and give ourselves permission to prioritize our caring practices.

Curiosities

• I loved Dr. Fatima’s “How to (Anti) AI Better”! As someone who has feels a lot of concern about AI and its negative affects on the world, this was a helpful lesson on how simply saying “fuck AI, don’t use it” misses important nuances. I love the connection to harm reduction as a framework for effective discussions about AI, and love how Dr. Fatima interviewed experts about AI education and shame for this. Looking forward to diving into more of her videos.

• The guest letter from Emma Straub on Jami Attenberg’s newsletter, Craft Talk was a treat! I’m a big fan of Straub’s novels (especially how her chapters move between time and perspectives) and this was a fun, weird little pep talk to get in my inbox. A favorite quote: “Writing for the masses is for the birds. I think it’s much more beneficial to write for the weirdest, most private little corner of your soul, the book that only you could write.”

• Kris and I are replaying Animal Crossing on the Nintendo Switch and it’s really fun. I loved learning that games like this are called “tend and befriend” games from Keza MacDonald (gaming critic for The Guardian and author of a book on Nintendo) on the “Falling in Love with Video Games as an Adult” episode of Culture Study Podcast.

Take care and talk soon,

Dr. Kate

Email: kate@katehenry.com

Website: katehenry.com

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