15 funnies
#1 I’m going to launch a premium content distribution business.
I’ll only put out VHS tapes. They’ll be sold out of food trucks.
Each tape will cost $5 and come on "recycled" movie tapes (per sponsors).
The contents of each drop will be a surprise.
Get the tape. Put in the tape. It's a special occasion. Intentional viewing. Prime real estate.
Press play.
Anything could happen.
Lesbian poetry.
Last week's news from Nicaragua.
Video art.
A concession to the speed freaks: if you fast-forward to 20:19 or 6:66 or 12:34 you'll hit a countdown of new music from Soundcloud, Insta stories of liberation*, all-too-REAL karaoke from TikTok. Memorable Snaps.
The rest of the tape is scenes from the movie? Highlights from Twitch? Commercials?
When you're done viewing your tape, add it to your collection, or gift it to a friend.
You can also bring it to the next drop for a rebate. No need to rewind.
(If you received it by mail, the price is likely higher – TBD by a pricing expert.)
It will be a 501(c)(3). DM me for details.
Each tape will cost $5 and come on "recycled" movie tapes (per sponsors).
The contents of each drop will be a surprise.
Get the tape. Put in the tape. It's a special occasion. Intentional viewing. Prime real estate.
Press play.
Anything could happen.
Lesbian poetry.
Last week's news from Nicaragua.
Video art.
A concession to the speed freaks: if you fast-forward to 20:19 or 6:66 or 12:34 you'll hit a countdown of new music from Soundcloud, Insta stories of liberation*, all-too-REAL karaoke from TikTok. Memorable Snaps.
The rest of the tape is scenes from the movie? Highlights from Twitch? Commercials?
When you're done viewing your tape, add it to your collection, or gift it to a friend.
You can also bring it to the next drop for a rebate. No need to rewind.
(If you received it by mail, the price is likely higher – TBD by a pricing expert.)
It will be a 501(c)(3). DM me for details.
#3 The future of Mexicans in America will be closely correlated to the availability of handmade tortillas.
#4 If you think “Hitler, but with nukes” sounds scary, just wait till you hear about “Climate Change”.
RE/Search Pranks was released in 1987. Yesteryday, YouTube announced regulations for pranks. Pranks4eva.
#7 I once pulled a prank in which every single first year student at Williams College got a facebook wherein the students who had not submitted a photo were given a generic photo of a model from a fashion catalogue. (I think J Crew. But I can't remember.) Previous editions of the Williams facebook had replaced said missing images with drawings of cows, etc.
I was told all the facebooks with generic images were burned. But some may have escaped into the wild.
I can understand the discomfort of a student whose race was misrepresented. I can't remember if anyone was. Certainly, they didn't ask to be part of my experiment. Perhaps, being represented by a drawing of a purple cow would have spared them that discomfort.
Once it became known the images didn't always match, the facebooks became unreliable and/or unavailable.
I'd jammed the original version of "hot or not".
Mea culpa.
The below is not the problematic facebook, but the one I'd designed the year prior.
The System Error produced by Aaron Spelling is still funny to me.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Are colleges making print facebooks still? They must be.
#9 Lateral thinking happens best when you’re sideways.Companies that want to innovate for the information age, should replace cubicles with hammocks.
Sponsored content
Unaccompanied minors in suspension: "Trapped dreamers power Wall Street investments in ISA"
#10 What’s more believable: statistics or photographs?
#11 Punks on the street > Influencers on the balance sheet.
#12 I worry that the last three years have set back the causes of immigrants in America – esp. the children of immigrants from Latin America – by at least a decade. If so, it's going to be a long hard slog back to the status quo ante; which was pretty crappy to begin with.
Young people are excited to be all they can be when they know someone has their back.
Whether that someone is your uncle Ronnie or your Uncle Sam, a guaranteeed college education is the key to keeping America safe and strong.
To be clear, this generation has to be our greatest generation.
Young people are excited to be all they can be when they know someone has their back.
Whether that someone is your uncle Ronnie or your Uncle Sam, a guaranteeed college education is the key to keeping America safe and strong.
To be clear, this generation has to be our greatest generation.
We have two billion kids, 15 years to 24. If those kids don't get franchised in their countries to vote, to go to school, to have a job, to be engaged, woe be to all of us — especially with respect to extremism
The political problem is always the same: how comfortable are we with our baseline?
The exceptional heights we ascend (this week: AOC, CardiB) should remind us of the depths we take for granted; the depravity we have normalized.
The bigotry of low standards for how we treat brown babies, black children, immigrant teens. Kids who die behind bars. Kalief Browder.
The exceptional heights we ascend (this week: AOC, CardiB) should remind us of the depths we take for granted; the depravity we have normalized.
The bigotry of low standards for how we treat brown babies, black children, immigrant teens. Kids who die behind bars. Kalief Browder.
Kids in cages may have scandalized half of America but at least a third viewed it as legal and necessary. Not to mention the sizable percentage that thinks arming teachers is the way to prevent turning our high schools into war zones.
That was a long, brutal set-up.
Here's a professional with joke #12:
"me in 2019 vs me in 2016"
#13 There is no state without borders.
America deserves stronger borders.
Borders strong enough to endure the coming tribulations.
I propose surrounding the continental USA with paperback editions of "Imagined Communities".
The current edition is 5.6 x 0.8 x 8.3 inches. The US shoreline is ~95,471 miles or about 6,049,042,560 inches. We would need at least 1,080,186,171 copies to create this physical border.
One billion books might sound like a lot, but, assuming they're all priced at ~$5 (variable cost), we're talking roughly the same fantastical $5bn being cited for the wall wall.
Those of you party poopers in accounting, I see you raising your hand. Yes, I'm assuming my installation costs will be folded into the separate defense department budget. The president set the precedent.
Alternately, we (meaning, DHS) could buy a copy of the book for every person in America who can read above an 8th grade level: about 50% of all adults or ~120 million copies.
Even if we go with the retail price at Amazon (so named for the region that could soon be destroyed by a democratically elected fascist) of ~$14 per unit, that's still only a cost of $1,680,000,000 or 64% less than the cost of the wall wall.†
In conclusion: Lybia is a land of contrast and my wall would be far more cost-effective.‡
My wall, made of copies of "Imagined Communities," would create a state powerful enough to admit it has fluid borders.
A state strong enough to protect its fluid borders.
A state strong enough to
I see your decade of ironic "Chuck Norris" memes and raise you a genuine American original.
#14 Why was #10 afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
#15 Fox News.
No, seriously, no darker joke has been told in our era.
It's a work of evil genius – beyond tragedy into sublime comedy. Fox News is dark magic in our world. Quantifiable. Prove me wrong.
#16 I like lists.
I like Harper's index since 1984. I like BuzzFeed listicles from 2013.
I like James Joyce's lists from 1922,
I like cuneiform lists
from 4,000 BCE.
Do you like lists? Please reply with your favorite list.
Good luck!
Don't despair!
Keep lists and be prepared!
Footnotes
*My Insta story of the week: a middle-aged man, completely naked, riding a Bird scooter through the rain. He's black. He's carefree. I neglected to mention that my tapes could include moving fashion editorials.
(What's that? You want to photograph the QR code on the screen for an AR experience. Fine, have at it.)
Here's a fashion editorial I'd like to see: un mara with face tattoos, the most prominent of which reads "MADE IN THE USA" because history. MS-13 was made in the USA.
† Each person who votes during the first federal election holiday of 2022 could receive a free copy of my improved border wall at their polling station. Joking aside: why not a copy of the Constitution in their language? Including several graphic novel versions?
‡ Even if we gave every American resident a copy of the book – a brick in our wall, if you will – that's a cost, at retail, of $4.5bn or $47k per shoreline mile. That's still 92% cheaper than the national average for new construction ($125 per sqft). Ladies and gentlemen, my fluid people, that's a wall we can easily afford.
Here's a professional with joke #12:
"me in 2019 vs me in 2016"
#13 There is no state without borders.
America deserves stronger borders.
Borders strong enough to endure the coming tribulations.
I propose surrounding the continental USA with paperback editions of "Imagined Communities".
The current edition is 5.6 x 0.8 x 8.3 inches. The US shoreline is ~95,471 miles or about 6,049,042,560 inches. We would need at least 1,080,186,171 copies to create this physical border.
One billion books might sound like a lot, but, assuming they're all priced at ~$5 (variable cost), we're talking roughly the same fantastical $5bn being cited for the wall wall.
Those of you party poopers in accounting, I see you raising your hand. Yes, I'm assuming my installation costs will be folded into the separate defense department budget. The president set the precedent.
Alternately, we (meaning, DHS) could buy a copy of the book for every person in America who can read above an 8th grade level: about 50% of all adults or ~120 million copies.
Even if we go with the retail price at Amazon (so named for the region that could soon be destroyed by a democratically elected fascist) of ~$14 per unit, that's still only a cost of $1,680,000,000 or 64% less than the cost of the wall wall.†
In conclusion: Lybia is a land of contrast and my wall would be far more cost-effective.‡
My wall, made of copies of "Imagined Communities," would create a state powerful enough to admit it has fluid borders.
A state strong enough to protect its fluid borders.
A state strong enough to
I see your decade of ironic "Chuck Norris" memes and raise you a genuine American original.
#14 Why was #10 afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
#15 Fox News.
No, seriously, no darker joke has been told in our era.
It's a work of evil genius – beyond tragedy into sublime comedy. Fox News is dark magic in our world. Quantifiable. Prove me wrong.
#16 I like lists.
I like Harper's index since 1984. I like BuzzFeed listicles from 2013.
I like James Joyce's lists from 1922,
I like cuneiform lists
from 4,000 BCE.
Do you like lists? Please reply with your favorite list.
Good luck!
Don't despair!
Keep lists and be prepared!
Footnotes
*My Insta story of the week: a middle-aged man, completely naked, riding a Bird scooter through the rain. He's black. He's carefree. I neglected to mention that my tapes could include moving fashion editorials.
(What's that? You want to photograph the QR code on the screen for an AR experience. Fine, have at it.)
Here's a fashion editorial I'd like to see: un mara with face tattoos, the most prominent of which reads "MADE IN THE USA" because history. MS-13 was made in the USA.
† Each person who votes during the first federal election holiday of 2022 could receive a free copy of my improved border wall at their polling station. Joking aside: why not a copy of the Constitution in their language? Including several graphic novel versions?
‡ Even if we gave every American resident a copy of the book – a brick in our wall, if you will – that's a cost, at retail, of $4.5bn or $47k per shoreline mile. That's still 92% cheaper than the national average for new construction ($125 per sqft). Ladies and gentlemen, my fluid people, that's a wall we can easily afford.
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