What If...Not Sure I Care
…and some truly terrible flicks.
Black Sails 1.4
When somebody says the beach is too steep for careening your ship…listen. Oh, that was so predictable.
Meanwhile, we find out that Morley is quite the piece of work; he’s known for getting good pirates killed for little or no gain. Of course, these are all pirates. Do pirates have honor? They’re cool, but not known for being honorable, right?
Eleanor is trying to get Captain Bryson to hand over his guns to help chase down the treasure ship. He’s not exactly willing, and the fact that everyone is working at cross purposes isn’t exactly helping.
Man, these people…they just can’t get themselves together, can they.
(The careening scene demonstrated the low quality of SFX even for 2014, alas).
Cinema Disaster: Nashima
CW: Sexual assault
Slow. Slow. The pacing in this movie is just terrible. What should be a decent action flick turns into a bizarre slog that opens with an animated credit sequence that starts at The Beginning…the beginning of the world…and then proceeds to spoiler the plot twist of the movie.
Yes, it spoilers itself.
The plot itself, such as it is, centers around the king of the Dark Pants Barbarians (the good guys) and his family, and their quest to restore their divine leader, Sita. Opposed to them are the White Pants Barbarians (the bad guys). At least they reversed the usual trope?
What follows is mediocre acting, boring fight choreography (the only entertaining moment being the realization that one of the White Pants Barbarians was, in fact, fighting with a Klingon bat’leth that was presumably borrowed from somebody’s cosplay closet), lousy special effects, and an ending that should have gotten somebody accidentally shot by Alec Baldwin. Oh and, of course, typical barbarian movie gender essentialism, although the movie does mildly critique itself here. Mildly.
Yeah, pretty much the only entertaining part was the bat’leth.
This might be a good popcorn flick if it wasn’t so slow. As it is, I think this is one I watched so you don’t have to.
Cinema Disaster: Battle Soldier (aka Captain Battle: Legacy War)
This is a completely original movie that is not, in any way, a ripoff of Captain America. No, not even with the star badly photoshopped onto street clothes on the cover.
(The actual costume is okay).
The only thing that was good in this movie was the comics they had made for the opening and closing credits. Not bad at all.
Everything else, though.
The lowlight was Jenny Alford as “Necromancer,” who was basically an evil Nazi low rent Scarlet Witch with the acting ability of a rutabaga. I’m sorry, Ms. Alford, you were the worst in a movie in which nobody could act.
Also, the ending was sequel bait. This movie was made in 2013. For some reason, the sequel never happened.
Most of the movie was characters telling each other things. It was exposition. It was so much exposition I had to raid my stash of alcohol to tolerate it.
It opened with a low-speed chase, to which there were multiple flashbacks, and which included the worst bazooka SFX I’ve ever seen as well as a car exploding before it got hit.
CW: Multiple Nazi flags and discussions of sexual assault and coerced abortion.
However, they do get one point for reasonably positive representation of a sex worker.
Not recommended, though. Another one I watched so you didn’t have to. I seem to have the worst luck in movie pacing this week…
What If? 3.3 “The Red Guardian Stopped the Winter Soldier”
We’re going for heartwarming here. Sort of. We’re also going for “Russia isn’t so bad” which Disney might be regretting right now.
Politics, ya know.
In any case, this is the classic fight then team up, but it ends with poor Bucky back in Russia…and the Red Guardian an Avenger because why not?
He defected anyway, so…
I didn’t find this one held my attention too well. It was a bit too tropey.
What If: 3.4 “Howard the Duck Got Hitched”
Yeah, I definitely don’t remember the first two seasons being this after school special, because this one is all about how parents are always the best people to raise a child.
They don’t specify biological parents but…
It is kind of funny, though. Howard the Duck falls in love with a human woman and they use magic to make an egg, which is now going to be a cosmic being and everyone wants a piece of the poor hatchling.
Everyone.
Zeus. Dormammu. All kinds of beings show up. SHIELD wants to take it and raise it “properly.”
It’s goofy. It’s Howard the Duck.
But can we stop with the Messages?
Cinema Disaster: Book of Fire
So, this is a horror movie. It’s borderline horrotica in places…it’s not explicit, but it’s definitely sensual in a Dracula’s Brides kind of way.
It stars Nicole Sienna as Nina, who just found out she’s descended from Justinian and cursed to carry the plague, which was caused by Justinian’s attempts to rule hell and his daughter Yersinia, after whom the plague is…not named at all, outside of this movie.
There’s some not very healthy polyamory (I mean, no unicorns, but…no), lots of frat boy partying and lots and lots of blood. Oh, and typical slasher movie slut shaming.
Not to mention the extended and confusing Hell scenes. Very confusing. What the “hell” is rather literal in this movie.
This movie also has lots of diversity…it has blondes and it has brunettes. It has, of course, no Black people, but does have Joshua Rosenthal as an unnamed Nazi. I don’t know for sure, but I’d say he’s not of an ethnicity much liked by Nazis. Just…saying.
Lots of gratuitous blood, lots of gratuitous sex, but it doesn’t manage to actually be scary (although better acting than the last movie I watched. Wait, low bar).
This premise has been done many times, but I do give them points for using Justinian and getting some historical details right.
But Yersenia? Really? I shouted no at the screen several times during that scene.
If you have a high tolerance for gallons of fake blood and just want to popcorn, it’s not bad.
Except Yersenia…
What If: 3.5 “The Emergence Destroyed The Earth”
I blow up a planet in the Council series. I spent a lot of time thinking about how to save the people…thankfully, they had warning.
Marvel, of course, just has people walking around on planet bits with gravity and atmosphere. Comic book SCIENCE for the win.
This one isn’t as after school special. Bit of a message about not giving up, and also Riri is pretty awesome in it. I think this is the only good episode so far, hopefully things will continue to improve.
(And I don’t mind the SCIENCE, it’s a superhero show, it’s supposed to be fantastic. I’m just amused).
What If 3.6 “1872”
This one is a history lesson…it’s weird west, but it also talks about the treatment of Chinese immigrants.
(Please, by the way, try to avoid writing dialog where you just substitute a polite term in for a slur, try to find another way, A. It’s awkward and B. Half of us are going to hear the slur in our heads anyway).
The animation style is appropriate in a cliched way, but I like it anyway. Definitely a better episode.
But hoo boy are the other Watchers pissed. That wasn’t pretty.
(Nor was the Kung Fu fight, but it was very nicely done. Very nicely done indeed).
What If 3.7 “The Watcher Disappeared”
The Watcher is standing trial for his interference. His team of Exiles, led by Peggy Carter, know something has happened and mount a rescue mission.
They have a new member…Howard’s daughter, who has duck powers because of course she has duck powers. I like her more than I thought I would.
But this episode really reminds me that I prefer What Ifs as just that. No arc, not part of some larger multiversal role, but pure explorations of possibility. Kind of like fanfic, really.
One more episode and I can move on…I have plans ;)
What if 3.8 “What If?”
Most of this episode has everyone kung fu fighting. Seriously, that’s one extended fight scene.
Uatu shares Watcher power with the team and they fight the other Watchers. Everyone’s immortal. It goes on. Of course, the defeat of the Watchers is inevitable.
Despite everything…all their power, all their eons of watching, they don’t have field experience. It shows.
Peggy Carter is gone…although I yelled “She’s not dead” at the screen several times because come on, there’s no body and it’s a comic book. If there’s a season four…
What this episode is trying to say is that you can’t just sit back and watch, you should do something.
The problem with that is how you know you’re doing the right thing…and I have to admit I’m worried that the other Watchers won’t have that knowledge…because they’ve never tried.