Terrible Arthuriana
Still working on the X-Men watch through, but this week’s reviews also include an utterly terrible Arthuriana movie that made me cringe at all kinds of levels, especially when they referred to him as “King of England” at one point. Oops.
X-Men 1.7 “Slave Island”
Still packing it in. Hello, Cable, what are you doing here?
Genosha is enslaving mutants with control collars (originally invented by Moira McTaggart) and using them to…build a dam quickly. With the promise they’ll be freed afterwards, but we all know how much Nazi promises mean.
Storm, Gambit, and Jubilee are now enslaved, but that’s a big mistake on Genosha’s part. A huge one. They should have tricked them into thinking Genosha was safe and used them to recruit more mutants. Always love it when the bad guys are fools.
Gambit is a total ass in this one, by the way, but this is Gambit we’re talking about.
And when they get back, the school has been destroyed! Cliffhanger!
X-Men 1.8 “The Unstoppable Juggernaut”
Yeah, guess who destroyed the school…although we do have a brief digression into thinking it was Colossus. Nice voice acting on the big guy.
Also nice to see Juggernaut not portrayed as a little bit dim.
Xavier’s on a journey. The viewer knows he’s most likely on Muir Island and simply oblivious to what’s going on, but of course they think he’s in real trouble somewhere.
Maybe he is, but I bet he’s on Muir Island with Moira.
He’ll be back in a couple of episodes to deal with Apocalypse anyway.
They really are packing the X-Men stuff into a small package. I’d sort of like to slow down.
The Ark 2.12 “Fortunate”
“We’re very fortunate to be here” is going to be creepy now. Maddox has brainwashed the entire Trappist colony to be her happy slaves…and is about to do the same to the crew of Ark One.
And yeah, guess who tried to kill Truss.
The story is slightly truncated, but actually pretty good…this show has gotten so much better since it abandoned the attempt to be hard SF and accepted its true place as space opera in the tradition of Star Trek.
I did wish somebody had remembered that a different planet would smell different from Earth, though. Or maybe Earth was so screwed up when they left…
In any case, this is the season 2 finale, and we have cancellation chicken once more. The Ark leaving to go find more survivors would be a fine ending from which to continue or not, but they had to drop in dual cliffhangers on both the ship and the planet.
And physically separate Angus and Alicia, which got a “Nooooo” from me. They’re. Too. Cute. Together.
With the cliffhangers, it definitely crosses into cancellation chicken, though, and I’m still mad about Echoes…sorry, guys.
X-Men 1.9 “The Cure”
Let’s add even more stuff.
Dr. Adler has a “cure” for mutations. Rogue wants it…for about ten minutes before she remembers how much good she can do.
Of course, Dr. Adler is dead, the cure is a trap set by Apocalypse, and Mystique is involved. Working for Apocalypse.
Boy is Apocalypse ugly.
(Cable’s trying to kill Dr. Adler for his role in the Genosha thing).
So, now we have Apocalypse. And it’s not even the season finale.
X-Men 1.10 “Come the Apocalypse”
Just one episode for Apocalypse? Well, two, but…still…doesn’t he deserve half a season?
Poor Warren. Poor Rogue, too.
Apocalypse gets away to probably come back next season, but it still feels as if we’re packing in years of comics into 13 episodes here. I want to tell the writers room to slow down and give their plots more space. Especially as the episodes are only 20 minutes each.
We didn’t need all of this in the first season, and the last three episodes are Days of Future Past. I would have spun out the Apocalypse plot and saved that for season two.
Were they sure they wouldn’t be renewed?
X-Men 1.11 “Days Of Future Past – Part 1”
Yup, it’s the standard plotline, except without Cable because they did something else with him. Bishop comes back from the future to stop an assassination that was apparently committed by an X-Man.
But his mind is time-scrambled and he can’t remember which one, so he attacks the mansion.
We get to see Nimrod. And Bishop can’t stay in this time, likely. We do not get Kitty yet. DOFP without Kitty feels wrong.
Is it really Gambit?
The logical conclusion I can’t help but come to is that it’s Mystique disguised as an X-Man. Kind of thing she’d do.
X-Men 1.12 “Days of Future Past – Part 2”
Called it! It was, of course, Mystique.
We discover Rogue and Mystique’s relationship. The future is still bad, because now Magneto has kidnapped poor Kelly.
I mean, he’s a fascist, but he’s also having a very bad week.
Bishop is back in the future, but Forge can send him back again.
We cliffhanger on the Magneto thing, despite the next episode not being part 3. I’m a little irritated by the hidden two parter thing that seems socommon in cartoons in the 1990s and 2000s. Why? Why not just tell us up front?
X-Men 1.13 “The Final Decision”
Kelly abducted by Magneto. And the AI built to speed up Sentinel production works out mutants are humans and goes rogue…determined to replace world leaders by, well, scooping out their brains and putting AI in there.
To save humans from themselves.
Yeah, your AI is smarter and less bigoted than you are. Alas, your AI found a different way to be a Nazi.
This is a pretty decent season finale, although they probably knew they were renewed. I hope season two isn’t quite as packed together/busy. We already know it starts with the arrival of Sinister, though…
X-Men 2.1 “Til Death Do Us Part – Part 1”
Jean and Scott are married. Wolverine is so upset he storms out and spends the time “killing” Scott in the Danger Room.
With them on honeymoon, somebody lures Xavier to Antarctica and proceeds to set up the X-Men to fight each other, to look bad dealing with the Friends of Humanity.
It’s Morph. Knew he wasn’t dead. X-Men don’t die…or at least don’t stay dead. It’s not his fault, he’s been brainwashed.
But it’s not looking good for our heroes…
(Well except the oblivious Jean and Scott)
Superman & Lois 4.1 “Superman Is Dead”
I was hoping this show was building up to Reign, but with the remaining space I don’t know they can do it justice. Their awful excuse for a Lex doesn’t help.
I don’t entirely blame the actor, although I don’t feel he looks the part. I mostly blame the writers for not understanding who Lex is.
Their Lex is thuggish, bent on vengeance, and really should just put on a purple suit…except that would mean doing his own dirty work instead of having a woman do it for him. He’s cruel bordering on sadistic.
The Lex I want to see is a shining example of humanity with a blind spot, somebody who cares about Earth and itrs future, but has a very narrow idea of what that means. He wants his vision as the only right one.
In other words: Lex is a fascist. He’s a fascist who cares about all humanity not just one group of them, but that’s still what this is.
This Lex? He’s a common criminal.
Half of the episode is the extended fight between Superman and Bizarro/Doomsday. The other half is flashbacks. I’m not sure it worked.
Fortunately, we still have Elizabeth Tulloch to enjoy. She remains the perfect, powerful Lois Lane.
Also, Lex?
Don’t. Do. Death. Traps. Supervillain 101!
Yes, at the end of this, Superman is “dead.” And it’s night. So I wonder if they’re going to go where the original comics did…just take him to the Fortress and let him soak up some sun, Jordan.
If Jordan thinks of it. He’s smarter than most versions of Superboy, but he’s still Superboy.
Oh, who am I kidding. If anyone thinks of it, it’ll be Jon.
X-Men 2.2 “Til Death Do Us Part – Part 2”
Morph has gone full trickster. Scott and Jean get captured by Sinister, who wants to combine their genetic material to make a superior mutant. (Why not just let them get on with it and try to steal the kid?)
Sinister, of course, makes a few mistakes.
1. Don’t monologue your entire plan to the trapped heroes.
2. Maybe the explosive collars? Then again, he did really want them alive.
3. Very strong bonds that Cyke can just break without his powers.
Supervillains. Gotta love them.
We end on another cliffhanger…Xavier and Magneto have been lured to Antarctica and Sinister tries to take them out with an avalanche, because of course he does.
They’re at least giving this a bit more space.
X-Men 2.3 “Whatever It Takes”
Never mind, we’re back to “how much can we do in 20 minutes.” Storm and Rogue have to deal with the Shadow King after he possesses Storm’s godson. The entire Shadow King saga is in the past, but he broke out of the astral plane.
Meanwhile, Xavier and Magneto are in the Savage Land, sans powers. And we’re apparently just going to cliffhanger on them almost dying every episode now. It’s a thing.
Wolverine, who should know better is trying to get Morph to come back. Come on, Logan, you’re the king of needing to go off on your own and fix your own problems, let him be.
Cinema Disaster: Sword of Lancelot
CW: Animal abuse. Specifically, use of 1960s fall/tripwire technique for horse falls that were really not necessary. Also some of the worst riding I’ve ever seen on screen, with multiple people hanging on by the reins, one guy almost fell off. I want to see the blooper reel. Everyone in this production is lucky movie horses are basically saints.
On to the actual movie. This movie is weird. It starts out as a pretty classic Ren Faire movie, with cheap costuming, Styrofoam brick sets, etc. Then suddenly it turns into an accurate, if overwritten, rendering of Le Morte d’Arthur. As written by a 15-year-old who just did three semesters of Shakespeare, which included Romeo & Juliet, which they misunderstood as an actual love story.
The actors deliver this purple prose with lots of bite marks in the scenery, but honestly, there was a not terrible movie in there once they stopped being quite so Ren Fairey.
One blooper. At one point Arthur is referred to as King of England. Given they got it right everywhere else I think this was a genuine word choice error.
I don’t think I could watch this again, though. I think animals may have been harmed in the making of this movie. Or at least thoroughly pissed off…
X-Men 2.4 “Red Dawn”
Xavier is still trapped in the Savage Land. Piotr and Illyana aren’t Russian in this version, but from an unspecified small Eastern European republic. For some reason my brain wants to make them Latvian.
Poor Illyana. She’s an innocent little blonde Russian girl and if you don’t know what happens to her…
This episode is pretty much just “Go to Eastern Europe and beat up Communists.” Including Omega Red, who is ultimately defeated…but not, of course, killed.
Morph’s still out there too.
But mostly “Communism Bad!”
X-Men 2.5 “Repo Man.”
Wolverine is fighting…the entire of Alpha Flight. Seems he left without permission. Of course, it’s pretty clear why. Wolverine is definitely one of those people who if you order him to stay, he’ll leave. Xavier has worked out how to handle him.
These clowns haven’t.
It’s mostly an excuse for a big fight scene but also to show something of Logan’s past. Poor Logan. He’s been through so much it’s not a surprise he’s a bit…off sometimes.
And often even the other X-Men don’t understand him. Except maybe Jubilee.
X-Men 2.6 “X-Ternally Yours”
Bella Donna kidnaps Gambit’s brother to lure him back. Yeah, his ex. Who still carries a torch for him, but he’s not interested in her.
She’s quite willing to force him into marriage…and also engage in a scheme to destroy the Thieves’ Guild.
We get to explore Gambit’s past some here. And introduce the X-Ternals, although only as a kind of deus ex machina. The character doesn’t even come over as a person.
Bella Donna does and I would feel sorry for her but consent, girl, consent.
X-Men 2.7 “Time Fugitives Part 1”
I am just about able to handle pandemic stuff now. A genetically engineered plague is being blamed on mutants. This plague is, of course, the techno-organic virus.
Bishop travels back in time to stop it, but this dooms mutantkind in the long term, and now Cable is going to travel back in time to make it happen.
Delightful.
Of course Hank will come up with another solution. Like the fact that the stabilizing factor they need from the plague is in Cable’s blood, perhaps?
Bishop is even more hot headed than Wolverine, if that’s possible.