02/02/24: Ups and downs
For awhile now, I've been reading some accounts from people who were diagnosed autistic late in life. In thinking about what they were saying, many of their experiences seem to mirror my own growing up.
Trouble relating emotionally to other people
Difficulty recognizing my own emotions in the moment
Being considered "serious" and "grown up" for my age
Being the weird kid that my peers made fun of because I wasn't really able to recognize what they were doing
I feel like there were others, but I'm not remembering them.
But am I actually autistic or was something else going on?
I've talked to a few friends about it and they say, "of course you're not autistic." But that's the nature of masking. I've spent 51 years learning to pretend I'm normal. Or, hell, maybe I'm just normal. I don't know.
To find out, I asked for an evaluation to find out for sure but, when they got back to me, it turns out that it would cost around $4000. I don't know if it's worth it.
In other news, I recently reconnected with an old friend from Ithaca. We'd lost contact because I lost all my phone numbers in my last cellphone migration so it was a pleasant surprise when I got a text from them.
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Recently I finished These Burning Stars by Bethany Jacobs. Once I got past the first chapter, I enjoyed the book quite a bit. (The POV character in that first chapter is rather odious.) It's an SF story set in a theocratic space empire with politics, intrigue, and revenge.
Currently I'm reading Fuzz by Mary Roach. It's about how humans try to regulate animals and the dangers of human-animal relations when humans encroach on nature and don't respect animal behavior. It's quite good so far.