Programming note: Hello chosen ones. This is the first premium-only newsletter. You should feel proud and handsome. But also, please forward this to your friends and encourage them to subscribe so that they can be as special as you.

WOAH BREAKING NEWS: Racing eventually happened Wednesday and wunderkind Wout van Aert won. But first, we just heard that Julian Alaphilippe is no longer in the yellow jersey after being docked 20 seconds by race commissaires because he took a water bottle from a staff member with 17 kilometers left in the race. Rules state that no feeding can take place within the last 20k.

This raises several important questions: 1) Why is this a rule? 2) 20 seconds, really? 3) Was this the staff member's screw-up for even offering a bottle so close to the finish line in the first place? 4) Seriously Julian, you couldn't wait 20 minutes when the stage would be over? And 5) Why is this sport like this?

Adam Yates is leading the Tour de France now. I guess. OK, on with what is now an extremely weird recap.

Wout van Aert won a drag-race sprint with Cees Bol by half a wheel for his second career individual Tour stage victory. Sam Bennett made a game effort from deep position to take third ahead of Peter Sagan and become the new green jersey bearer.

The sprint capped a nervy final 10 kilometers. Ineos -- sensing crosswinds and some tricky roundabouts -- attempted to catch the peloton napping and create a split by suddenly taking over the front of the race and ratcheting up the tempo. Jumbo-Visma responded quickly, however, forming a second train of riders next to Ineos', and briefly creating a drag race between two sets of dozens of riders.

It was fun to watch for a bit, but Ineos' plan to sow chaos ultimately failed, leading to a relatively straightforward sprint. Sunweb had an excellent leadout set up for Bol to go solo in the last 300 meters. He had the inside of the bend to the finish line, too, but a teammate-less Van Aert seemingly had no problem with going the long way around.

That makes two wins in two days for Jumbo-Visma, with Stage 6 potentially suiting them as well. Fun.

Before the last 10 kilometers, Stage 5 was dull as rocks. I spent my time writing Haikus about it.

Sometimes racing stirs

Sometimes it lazes about

Not doing its job

Old castle on high

You having fun up there? Or

Could you use a break?

Cher Alaphilippe

Your smile cannot save us

From this doldrum day

Fifty-four KM

To go. Now, there is Fifty-

Three KM to go

Who will win the stage?

Ask me in two hours when

I will be asleep

Hungry cyclists scarf

Energy bars like crackers

Into bird bellies

Cosnefroy takes hills

For polka-dot dreams linger

At least someone dreams

Sam Bennett took the

Intermediate sprint point

Just thought you should know

Thibaut Pinot is hurt

Wait no, actually he's fine

His goats were worried

SEPP KUSS CRASHED OH NO

SEEMS FINE EVERYONE CALM DOWN

OUR DEAR BOY RIDES ON

Jumbo has the reins

Will this be a masterpiece?

A work of (Van) Aert?

[ED NOTE: nailed it]

Didi the Devil

Is on camera again

Everybody drink

At 10k, Ineos

Goes. Is this a real bike race?

Crosswinds too? Oh my!

POST-NONSENSE HAIKUS

Jumbo-Visma wins

Again, but oh well. At least

It's not Ineos

Oh Alaphilippe

Why are you so thirsty? 'Tis

We who thirst for you

A day that will live in infamy, via Le Tour:

A day without an adventurer is rare on the Tour. Since at least 2008, except for several exceptions on the Champs-Élysées (in 2012, 2013 and 2016), all the stages, excluding time-trials obviously, have witnessed a breakaway for a distance of more than ten kilometres. It has not been the case so far today, with Kasper Asgreen and Thomas De Gendt attacking only for several hundred metres each. Two similar occurrences took place in the 1990’s. The 16th stage on the Tour in 1995, between Tarbes and Pau, was neutralised in homage to Fabio Casartelli, who died the day before. Also, the 17th stage on the Tour in 1998, between Albertville and Aix-les-Bains, witnessed a strike by the riders.

Was that fun?

Sometimes you've got to make your own, something Tour commissaires understand well.

Japanese television filled the dead air with hard rock guest stars.

SBS in Australia started a game of bingo. (That wasn't regulation, but who am I to judge after writing bad haiku).

Bora riders just dinked around.

Adam Yates didn't understand why he was in the yellow jersey, either.

A screengrab of the Alaphilippe's dastardly sip of water.

The standings

STAGE 5

1. Wout van Aert (Jumbo-Visma) - 4hr 21min 22sec
2. Cees Bol (Sunweb) - “
3. Sam Bennett (Deceuninck-Quick Step) - “
4. Peter Sagan (Bora-Hansgrohe) - “
5. Jasper Stuyven (Trek-Segafredo) - “
6. Luka Mezgec (Mitchelton-Scott) - “
7. Bryan Coquard (B&B Hotels-Vital Concept) - “
8. Caleb Ewan (Lotto Soudal) - “
9. Clement Venturini (AG2R La Mondiale) - “
10. Hugo Hofstetter (Israel Start-Up Nation) - “

GENERAL CLASSIFICATION

1. Adam Yates (Mitchelton-Scott) — 22hr 28min 30sec
2. Primoz Roglic (Jumbo-Visma) — +3sec
3. Tadej Pogacar (UAE Team Emirates) — +7sec
4. Guillaume Martin (Cofidis) — +9sec
5. Egan Bernal (Ineos) — +13sec
6. Tom Dumoulin (Jumbo-Visma) — “
7. Nairo Quintana (Arkea-Samsic) — “
8. Esteban Chaves (Mitchelton-Scott) — “
9. Miguel Angel Lopez (Astana) — “
10. Romain Bardet (AG2R La Mondiale) --

GREEN JERSEY

1. Sam Bennett (Deceuninck-Quick-Step) — 123 points
2. Peter Sagan (Bora-Hansgrohe) — 114
3. Alexander Kristoff (UAE Team Emirates) — 93
4. Caleb Ewan (Lotto Soudal) — 75
5. Matteo Trentin (CCC) — 70

POLKA DOT JERSEY

1. Benoit Cosnefroy (AG2R La Mondiale) — 23 points
2. Michael Gogl (NTT) — 12
3. Primoz Roglic (Jumbo-Visma) – 10
4. Tadej Pogacar (UAE Team Emirates) — 8
5. Quentin Pacher (B&B Hotels-Vital Concept) - 6

Stage 6 preview -- 191km from Le Teil to Mont Aigoual

Stage 6 will begin at 12:10 p.m. local, 6:10 a.m. ET. For those watching from the United States, coverage will begin at 6:30 a.m. on NBCSN. (Here’s NBC’s complete broadcast schedule).

Don’t get that channel? You’ll need to pay, sadly. I really like the NBC Sports Gold Cycling Pass, which gives you a commercial-free stream as well as some handy race-tracking whatzits. The much cheaper option, however, is Peacock Premium, which costs $4.99 per month and will reportedly get you access to live coverage of every stage, though presumably with ads and without the whatzits.

If you can’t watch live and want access to replays, it appears Gold is your only way to go.

Stage 6 will be more exciting than whatever that was, though it may be another slog until the real action starts. The profile is almost stark flat until the final 35 kilometers, when the gradient kicks up for Category 3 and Category 1 climbs, just before an uncategorized but decidedly uphill finish.

So yeah, barring acts of nature, you shouldn't expect much action for the first four hours or so. And the Mont Aigoual forecast suggests cool, cloudy and not-too-windy conditions for the stage.

That last hour of racing has potential, however. The slopes start far enough away from the finish that Jumbo-Visma will have to work hard to maintain the same control they imposed on Stage 3. And a sharp ramp of over 10 percent gradient near the summit of the Cat 1 Col des Mourèzes is a good spot for a brave solo attack.

It's the sort of profile I called out as Julian Alaphilippe fodder in my watchability guide. Sadly, I think Tuesday confirmed that he doesn't have the legs he had last year (which, how many riders can say they are "disappointed" with fifth place on a Cat 1 finish?) Given how good Jumbo-Visma have looked, might as well pull the winner from their ranks.

Can Wout van Aert do it again on a very different stage? I'll be bold and say why the hell not. If the peloton hasn't been winnowed down at the top of the Col des Mourèzes (and so far, riders in this year's Tour have been fine with cruising in bunches), it could set up a puncheur sprint, and there's no one I'd rather have in that scenario that Van Aert. If it is a select group, however, then Primoz Roglic is a great bet to take his second stage, as is Tadej Pogacar.

Mont Aigoual's culinary offerings are relatively simple, and make a great picnic spread: cheese, chestnuts, apples, honey, mushrooms. Perfect for a satiating snack of a stage before the entrees come.