The other night, I had a disconcerting dream.

Well, not a dream exactly. It happened in the space between sleeps, when, despite my best efforts, I find myself lying awake waiting for rest to find me once more. It was three, four in the morning, and there were fifty people watching me.

Somehow, I awoke in the middle of the night to discover a door in the back of my head, and dozens of people were peering through. They all had very strong opinions on how I should sleep: wear this, take this position, do not use that blanket. If I wanted to fall asleep again, they clamored, I would have to follow their every instruction.

I, ever the nighttime contrarian, did the exact opposite. I (having fallen asleep in my clothes after a hectic night of watching other people play Vintage Story at a LAN party) changed into my normal sleepwear, assumed my normal sleeping position,¹ and did use that blanket thank you very much. The watchers did not approve of this! And so I stubbornly laid there, ignoring the tut-tutting of my sudden audience, until I realized they were right. Somehow it was more comfortable to wear this, take this position, and kick off that blanket.

My watchers observed this turn of events, congratulated me on my good sense, and let me sleep. They were gone by morning.

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In times when I get tired of being Heather Flowers, I sometimes wish that someone else could be Heather Flowers for a while. It’s a pretty fun time! You get to be microfamous, and make games that people find some combination of funny and concerning.²

If I had a Being John Malkovich type door in the back of my head, and people could step through and be Heather Flowers for a while (or simply offer judgement on my sleep habits, as is apparently the case), they might see all kinds of things! Just going off what I’m experiencing right now, they might be:

• Writing this newsletter

• Writing this newsletter

• Writing this newsletter

Hm. Okay, bad example.

But imagine! Your very own niche internet microcelebrity life. You could look through my cabinets, scuttle under my bed, say weird things in my voice, get hit by a car, post to my blog, etc. Most of those you could actually do without being me, I suppose, but they would require a certain level of stealth.

I’ve been Heather Flowers for over nine years now, and I’ve been Heather Flowers for most of that time. (Not in the Charlie Kaufman sense.) It’s really weird suddenly becoming a brand when you just figured out five minutes ago that you’re a person! A lot of people suddenly had very strong opinions about what kind of entity I was, and how one could “correctly” be me! Longtime fans might remember when I exclusively posted in all caps. I eventually stopped doing that because whenever I posted something not in all caps, I’d get a few “helpful reminders” from fans letting me know that I forgot the caps lock on that post. Very blood-boiling! As if I needed tooltips on how to be me!

Except, of course, it wasn’t me. It was Heather Flowers. That being which I sometimes inhabit, but which other people have strong preconceived notions about which can override my own existence. If ten thousand people think of you one way, and you think of yourself as another, can you convince them?

So I kinda disassociated myself from Heather Flowers for a couple years.³ Worked on other, more private projects. Had a lot of fun! But eventually I returned to the siren song of Heather Flowers because, well, that’s my name. I like making Heather Flowers type games, and Heather Flowers type posts, and Heather Flowers type newsletters. It’s a good gig, being Heather Flowers! People like you for some reason!⁴

Anyways, I’m off social media again because someone reminded me that there’s a difference between being Heather Flowers and being Heather Flowers. I don’t like what social media does to my brain, and part of what it does is make me feel like I’m wearing a mascot shaped like myself.

So now, instead of stepping away from Heather Flowers, I’ve pulled her back with me. This is Heather Flowers now. These games, this newsletter. I engage with being Heather Flowers at my own pace, in my own space, and nobody can define her but me. It feels better!

I’m still making Heather Flowers type games (but slightly more slowly), and Heather Flowers type posts (with my mouth, at the unfortunate people around me), and Heather Flowers type newsletters (like this one)! I look forward to being Heather Flowers for the rest of my life, even if I’m not always Heather Flowers.

Question of the Week: You know what, in service of this newsletter’s talk of inverted roles, how about YOU ask the questions this week? Ask whatever, and I’ll do my best to answer.⁵

Best,
Heather Flowers

P.S. I’ve slept a couple more times since that crowd watched me sleep, and it hasn’t happened again. As much as I love having an audience, I’m grateful to rest unobserved.