The Shame Spectre
This is Finish Your Monsters, a weekly newsletter about the creative process. I'm sharing adventures in art and life as well as setting CLIFFHANGER goals for myself, so--
DID I MAKE MY GOAL?
Last week, I perhaps foolishly committed to two goals:
1) a rough draft of a 5 page short film script
2) sending a minimum of 3 scary emails about booking a show
And I absolutely did both...mostly. I wrote the short film. Hooray! But on the scary emails front, I stumbled. I wrote the drafts, but I didn't hit send. I realized I didn't have the time or emotional bandwidth to actually deal with the responses. I call emails "scary" as a joke, but here's what I mean: they're subjects I care a lot about and not sending them gives me an illusion of control. And yes, you can absolutely control things by never engaging with people. But it is a sad life to sit around TOTALLY IN CONTROL OF NOTHING. So on we go! By the time you're reading this, I'll be slamming the send button on those emails.
ADVENTURES OF THE WEEK--
I got distracted this week by some great news--our short horror film, The Nightmare Adorable, got into two more festivals--including one here in Los Angeles. (More details to come!) I'm, of course, thrilled about this! But in the interest of honesty, I also got three rejections this week. The acceptances or rejections mostly come via a site called Film Freeway. They send emails with the deeply ominous title JUDGING STATUS HAS CHANGED. Over the last several months, I've opened a JUDGING STATUS HAS CHANGED email and been turned down in three different Barnes & Noble stores. I vow to keep making and submitting films until I'm accepted in a Barnes & Noble.
My other main adventure was working on the 5 page script. For the most part, it went smoothly. I had done good WANDER WORK (coming up with ideas while walking, brushing my teeth, getting rejected in a Barnes & Noble, etc) so I knew the key idea. I set aside a chunk of time to knock out the draft.
But as I got started on the actual scripting, one element went sideways. One of the characters' perspectives wasn't working the way I planned. And, suddenly, I was visited by THE SHAME SPECTER.
I believe many of us have a shame specter--a sudden hot flash about the neck that we are doing something WRONG. My shame specter is a shadow that creeps out of my brain and pounds on a gong to let the neighbors know we've got a problem guy over here. It's a horrible amalgamation of parental figures, a nun who was mean to me once, screenwriting books I've read, and the person on twitter who corrected me when I accidentally misspelled "Wookiee" about 12 years ago.
Here's the specific thing that unleashed the shame. I thought I had PLANNED. But then the plan didn't work and the beast pounced. I don't even believe you have to plan everything before you sit down and write. I was just tired, trying to write fast, and I let the spiral start.
It's like if you're running, having a great time, feeling the breeze in your hair, then you look down and notice your shoelace is untied and you are mortified. You haven't even tripped yet, but the fear of tripping grips you.
Which when you're sitting on your couch writing a script has a very easy solution: just let your damn shoelace flop around.
I took a break and then let myself PLAY. I love making discoveries while I'm literally sitting and typing. But I have to be able to let go of the more rigid, planning side of my personality to do that. I kept typing and just followed the instinct of where the character should go. The character was still MAD about the same thing, but a different reason for the anger emerged. And that character's truth suddenly spoke to other ideas and made the whole short film click into place.
It's great that we have so many advice resources--friends and family, how-to articles and videos, random people on TikTok giving stern lectures about retirement planning while juggling plates, etc. But all those "shoulds" and "musts" can clog up your brain and empower the ol' shame specter.
Overall, my specter was vanquished quickly this time. A good reminder that the best creative advice is always whatever works best for you on the specific day you're being creative.
MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK--
I'm going to give myself a break from completing something. Instead, this week's goal is to just get started. Specifically, I'm going to get started on the pitch deck for my feature film. I'm getting closer to the funding part of the process, but to make that happen I need short and long descriptions of the film, some other movies to compare it to, some sketches of the monsters, and much more. I'm not trying to get it all done this week, just break ground. Break ground on my monster.
YOUR GOAL FOR WEEK--
I'd love to encourage folks to tackle their goals. Hopefully, Buttondown will add a comments section soon, but until then feel free to reach out to me on social media and let me know what projects you’re working on this week.
LIGHT PLUGS--
This Friday, Feb 2nd is BANDCAMP FRIDAY. A day where artists get all the proceeds from purchases. I've got several comedy albums up on Bandcamp and a very spooky 45 minute cosmic horror story called THE BEAST THAT ATE THE DAWN. If you're interested, Bandcamp Friday is a great day to pick them up!
You can also check out Strange Path t-shirts and wall art on Threadless. And get early access to films and other rewards on my Patreon. All goes toward my production company, Strange Path, so we can keep producing things!
A LITTLE SKETCH--
This week, I intended to sketch myself hard at work on my computer, but it turned into an ambiguous picture in which I may or may not be getting pulled into the computer for all eternity. Thanks, muse! And thank you for joining me. I look forward to next week. Will I make my goal/s? Will you make yours? Will I sketch a bat sending emails? Only the FUTURE KNOWS
