Just the Old Ones
I love a good fascination, an obsession I can’t shake. Throw me down the rabbit hole, all this red string is bound to lead me back. Or, actually, it’s quite a nice colour, maybe I could make a hammock from it while you talk.
In fact, I might just pause here and focus in on the hammock, but I am still really interested in the scandal and the scam and the skill and the technique and spending some time really learning, knowing all about that thing that I started, but also, it’s not quite, well, this is really giving excitement, and that was really, wow, just a great challenge and fun and I wanted to, I still want to do the thing, but, and it’s not that anything changed, really, but the fascination has turned to polite interest and I’m just not getting the same buzz. Oh sure, I could let myself experience something different, play around in the feelings, relax into the pattern of development, continue through the less immediately stimulating aspects and bear with, just bear with, for a while longer.
Holding on while a challenge becomes a habit, ooh boy. Doesn’t feel great. The rush of starting something else while still getting the weight of guilt from abandoning the old? Now THAT’S a combo I can get behind. I love filling my whole self with intense emotions that have little to no substance behind them. Let’s worry about completing a self-imposed task with a self-imposed timer! Let’s join the rollercoaster of a financial scandal being unearthed (no, you don’t need to read court documents or reddit threads - just let the creators bring you on the journey)! Let’s think about how these pieces fit in, or how to squish this fluff, or sweat these vegetables, soak these beans, but not for function, not just to relax or create or eat, oh no! - do it for hours! Do it so that when someone offers you a hot drink, it takes you too long to respond, and when you look up, your eyes need a while to refocus! Let’s put some ideas down because you have that tingle of excitement, but you’re not sure of your stamina, so decide to put one thing down before you go to the toilet and then you do really need to go to the toilet, but that’s kind of the same as really having a great idea, right, the excitement? The feeling? Tension in the loins, thoughts like dandelion seeds, only, no, they need to be gathered up, for fear of falling in infertile ground, a great expression said aloud or sent in a text and then let to die. Let’s catch these floating ideas, these seeds of weeds that you’ve decided it would actually be a great idea to rush and collect now, though if you were just in a habit of breaking of the heads when they were yellow, or drying them to make tea, or uprooting them according to the season, well, then we wouldn’t need to rush now.
But the rush has been the point for so long.
No new challenges. Just the old ones without the rush.
