The Joy of Missing Out
Volume 23, Chapter I, Number 005
Hello!
This Week’s One Great Thing: The Joy of Missing Out
Happy New Year everyone!
Today as we start this new year, I want to add to new year reflections that are probably at the forefront of your mind. Here in Casa Santillan (our home, not this newsletter!), we are using this time to start the year “right” and for us that means utilising our time in a mindful and intentional way.
To go against this New Year rush getting to us, and instead of letting the fear of not experiencing or trying out something new control us, we are embracing the idea of choosing a few experiences and dedicating time and effort to them. As a society we tend to live our lives in a hurry and try to fit as much into our days as we can in order to have a sense of accomplishment. I suggest we use this new year to focus on a few key activities, experiences and goals that we can truly enjoy and experience deeply.
And so I start this year by (aptly) looking deeper at two concepts: the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and the Joy of Missing Out (JOMO).
History of FOMO
The word FOMO was added to the Oxford dictionary in 2013 where it was defined as the “anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on social media.” The term was originally coined by Patrick J. McGinnis while studying at Harvard Business School. For many people, FOMO becomes a recurrent concern that they might miss an opportunity, a social interaction, a profitable investment, or other satisfying things because they’re doing something else, or they’re not doing enough.
While several research has found that FOMO at its core is caused by low life satisfaction, which brings low mood and the feeling that your needs aren’t met, there are some specific factors that have a direct correlation to experiencing FOMO:
Social media. There is a high correlation between a person’s usage of social media and FOMO. Social media allows people to see all the fun things their friends have done, causing envy and an often subconscious expectation to self and FOMO to set in. The fear is intensified because people tend to share a more polished version of their lives on social media — a virtual highlight reel focused on their social activities and fun experiences.
Loneliness. It’s good to understand the difference between loneliness and solitude here to understand the correlation between loneliness and FOMO: SOLITUDE is a conscious choice, LONELINESS is not. Solitude can be beneficial. Loneliness, research has shown, has been associated with depression, suicide, and cardiovascular disease. You’ll then see why it’s linked to FOMO: being alone hurts when you don’t want to be alone, and when people you know seem to be enjoying themselves together.
Anxiety. This state of inner turmoil, which often comes with nervous behaviour, is also an underlying cause of FOMO. This is magnified by social media as it is often used as a coping strategy by people who suffer from anxiety via “doom scrolling” — mindless scrolling that makes you fall into deep and morbid rabbit holes that cause more anxiety and rid you of sleep. Researchers have seen this vicious cycle of anxiety - social media use - FOMO - anxiety play out and cause mental health problems. The deeper problem is that you may even end up joining people for activities you don’t actually care about, just for fear of missing out. Ultimately, it’s your life you’re missing out on.
The Antidote to FOMO is JOMO
The “joy of missing out”, or JOMO, is the antithesis of FOMO. The phrase was first used by Anil Dash in 2012, and has since become a popular hashtag on social media (although not yet as popular as FOMO). The Joy of Missing Out is the idea that rather than feeling anxious about what other people are doing, you delight in enjoying the moment, cherishing your time, and doing the things that bring you joy. JOMO is consciously choosing what makes you happy and being intentional about how you spend your time. It’s being fully present without worrying that you are missing out on something or how it will look on social media. It is analogous to the DANCING LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING movement.
In his book The Joy of Missing Out, Danish psychology professor Svend Brinkmann urges us to go back to the old fashioned ideas of restraint and moderation. “Opting out and saying no”, he writes, are skills we lack “both as individuals and as a society.” By doing these, cultivating self-restraint, and celebrating moderation, we can develop a more fulfilling way of living that enriches ourselves as well as our fellow humans, and with the added bonus of protecting the planet we all share.
When experiencing JOMO, people are more - Present and in the moment - Grateful for what they have - Willing to take risks - More socially active - Able to better connect with their own purpose
JOMO can also help us to create healthier digital habits that bring balance to our real-life activities and interests. With JOMO, we can start to make better use of our time, reconnect with our true passions, set healthy boundaries with technology, and be mindful about our decisions.
How To Embrace JOMO. Or “My Alternative New Year’s Resolution:”
It is important to create personal “systems” by redesigning the rules around your home, workplace, school (or your kid’s school), and social media to help cultivate a culture that celebrates JOMO over FOMO, and allow people to tune out and disconnect in a healthy way whenever they need to.
JOMO is an exercise of drawing boundaries, but that’s counter intuitive in a culture that demands all or nothing and sees restraint or absence as a weakness (remember for example how the person who is absent during parties become the topic of conversation). In that sense, the pandemic offered a reset button. In a Washington Post article, one author observed that it has shown people— somewhat forcefully— the value of focusing on the self. Some people have picked up new skills, others have attuned themselves to their mental health, while still others have seen the value of making space for empathy in their jam-packed lives.
That is the gift of JOMO in our lives: it can help us be who we really are, instead of acting based on external pressures that may give us short-term satisfaction but long-term regrets. It is not just about missing out, it’s missing out intentionally so that you can make time for more important things. It gives us the space to practice and teach ourselves when, why, and how to say no to social pressure, work demands, our own sub-conscious expectations of ourselves, and difficult responsibilities that we take on without thought. It is the difference between finally acting on your own intentional agenda or the agenda of other people. I suggest five simple ways to bring more JOMO into your life this 2023:
- Spend quality time with yourself. Appreciate the power of being alone and enjoy moments of solitude. Learn to make connections with yourself and explore your inner world. Journaling is a great way to get clarity and ensure that you spend your time on things that makes sense to you based on your long-term priorities. Remember to schedule and ritualise this. If this is not in your calendar, it probably will not happen.
- Rediscover your hobbies and passions. Spend time exploring new interests or revisiting old ones to give yourself a healthy break from overworking and digital stimulation. Embrace offline time because as discussed earlier, social media is one of the leading causes of FOMO. Take the time to turn off your phone and then do something that will physically take you away from your laptop. Once you do this, take some time to contemplate how you are spending your time and how it makes you feel: are you doing things because they bring you joy or because you worry about missing out?
- Practice positive self-talk and soul care. Be kind and understanding to yourself, make intentional connections with your community and understand that everything takes time. Reconnect both with yourself and with the people you care about and who bring positive energy in your life. Make your time your priority. Spending time in a meaningful way will help you stop worrying about how others spend their time.
- Reconnect with people who spark joy in you. Relationships are critical to our happiness so prioritise the people that make you feel great. Remember: we are the average of the five people closest to us. How’s your average nowadays?
- Practice saying NO.An obvious one but one that is difficult for many people. Learn to say no to things without fear or guilt. Consciously choose only what is necessary or brings you joy.
In essence, JOMO is a way to live an intentional life. It’s realising that FOMO is distracting you from your life’s purpose, and that you don’t need more time. You just need to use your time in a way that allows you to act on your personal agenda, such as creative projects or spending time with the people you care about the most.
By doing this not only will you create more meaningful experiences, but you will also be able to use your energy in a more efficient and mindful way. So, this new year let us all be intentional and mindful with how we use our time and energy, let's make sure we don't succumb to FOMO and instead enjoy and experience what we have chosen for ourselves. Hope 2023 becomes a year of JOMO for all of us!
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“Tell Me More” — or “can you give me more details?” — are magic words to keep you from reacting. It allows you to listen, makes people think things through and better, and keeps you from jumping into the fray instead of flying above it.
Ok! Now pause, get yourself to a window, look up to the sky, smile, and have a great day! I look forward to send you another letter next week!
☕ eric santillan