The Four Horsemen of Relationships
Volume 23, Chapter IV, Number 017
Hello!
This Week’s One Great Thing: The Four Horsemen of Relationships
I first learned about Dr. John Gottman's research on the four horsemen of relationships in the book BLINK (by Malcolm Gladwell). As someone who has experienced the ups and downs of relationships, and have helped couples navigate their own relationships, I found the research fascinating and insightful.
Gottman had studied thousands of couples and thin-sliced one hour each of a random conversation between the two. The study’s findings were startling: by studying that thin-slice of conversation you can predict with a 95% accuracy who was going to breakup and divorce or not within five years of marriage!
Gottman did this by extricating patterns of behavior–verbal and non-verbal cues, facial expression, heart rates, and fidget counts (how often and to what extent one or both of the couples fidget in their chair). He found out that what happens in just that hour of conversation is sacramental of where the whole relationship is and is predictive of where the relationship is going.
By looking at these verbal and nonverbal cues, behaviors, ticks, he found out that there are four main predictors of couple separation. The Four Horsemen are four negative communication patterns that are toxic to relationships and can lead to their downfall. These are the tell-tale signs that the couple will not last, the Four Horsemen of Relationships:
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Criticism
- Contempt
Predicting Relationship Outcomes
The four horsemen of relationships that Gottman identified as predictive of divorce are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He found that when these four factors appear in a relationship, it is a strong indication that the relationship is doomed to fail.
Criticism
Criticism in relationships refers to the act of attacking your partner's character, rather than addressing a specific behaviour that has upset you. This type of communication is destructive and undermines the foundation of the relationship.
For example, saying "You never listen to me" is a criticism, whereas saying "I feel ignored when you don't respond to me" is a complaint about a specific behaviour.
Criticism can be harmful because it can lead to feelings of defensiveness and resentment. It also tends to escalate conflict and can create a hostile environment.
Contempt
Contempt is the second horseman and it is considered to be the greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt is a combination of anger, disgust, and disrespect. Examples of contempt include eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, or mocking. Contempt is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen, and it can be extremely damaging to relationships.
It conveys a sense of superiority over one’s partner. When contempt is present in a relationship, it becomes difficult for partners to see any value in each other, and they begin to see each other as enemies rather than allies.
Contempt can be harmful because it undermines the relationship's foundation of mutual respect and can lead to feelings of shame, anger, or sadness.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the unhealthy reaction to unhealthy criticism. It refers to the act of putting up a defense or counter-attack when your partner is giving you feedback or making a complaint. When we become defensive, we are not listening to our partner’s perspective, and we are not taking responsibility for our part in the conflict. This behaviour can leave our partner feeling unheard and invalidated. …
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down and withdraws from the conversation, essentially putting up a wall between themselves and their partner. This can occur when a partner is feeling overwhelmed, flooded, or emotionally disconnected. Stonewalling can be extremely damaging to a relationship because it shuts down the communication that is necessary for resolving conflicts and maintaining intimacy.
An example about how these four horsemen is operative in an argument is this:
Sarah is upset because her partner, John, forgot their anniversary. She approaches John and says, "You never remember anything important. You're so selfish!" John responds defensively, "I can't believe you're attacking me like this. I didn't do it on purpose." Sarah responds with contempt, "Typical. You never care about anyone but yourself." John then stonewalls, refusing to engage in the conversation any further.
In this example, we can see how all Four Horsemen are present. Sarah criticizes John's character, John responds defensively, Sarah shows contempt towards John, and John stonewalls.
Another example: Alex is upset because his partner, Maria, spends too much time on her phone when they're together. He approaches her and says, "You're always on your phone. You don't even care about spending time with me." Maria responds defensively, "I'm just checking my emails. It's not a big deal." Alex responds with contempt, "Yeah, right. You're addicted to your phone." Maria stonewalls and puts her phone away, but the tension between them remains.
In this example, we can see how Criticism and Defensiveness are present, with Alex attacking Maria's behaviour and Maria defending herself. Alex then shows Contempt towards Maria, and Maria stonewalls, refusing to engage in the conversation.
These examples illustrate how the Four Horsemen can lead to negative communication patterns and escalate conflict in relationships. However, the good news is that these patterns can be recognized and addressed with practice and awareness.
Repairing Relationships
While the four horsemen are incredibly destructive to relationships, there are ways to repair the damage and create positive change. Gottman's research also identified a number of techniques that can help couples rebuild trust, improve communication, and foster deeper intimacy.
Softening Start-Up
One technique is called "softening start-up," which involves approaching your partner in a way that is gentle and nonthreatening. This can help to prevent defensiveness and create a more open and productive conversation. By starting a conversation with “I feel _ when _,” instead of attacking your partner's character, you can express your concerns while still maintaining respect for your partner.
Building a Culture of Appreciation
Another technique is building a culture of appreciation. When partners feel appreciated and valued, they are more likely to approach conflicts with a positive mindset. This technique involves expressing gratitude, recognising your partner’s accomplishments, and focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship.
Practicing Repairs
Practicing repairs is also a key technique in repairing relationships. When conflicts arise, it is important to take responsibility for your part in the conflict and make amends. This can involve apologising, expressing empathy, and offering reassurance to your partner. By practicing these repairs, couples can build trust and strengthen their bond.
Take Breaks
Finally, it's important to take breaks during heated discussions and return to the conversation when both partners are calm and centered. This can prevent stonewalling and allow for more productive communication.
Therapy
It's also important to seek help if the Four Horsemen have taken over your relationship. This can involve couples therapy or individual therapy to work through underlying issues and develop healthier communication patterns.
Conclusion
Understanding the four horsemen of relationships is an important tool for maintaining healthy and happy partnerships. By identifying and avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, couples can foster deeper intimacy, stronger communication, and a greater sense of connection. Additionally, by practicing techniques like softening start-up, building a culture of appreciation, practicing repairs, and taking breaks, couples can repair damage that has already been done and create positive change in their relationships. For more info on how to build a positive relationship between you and your significant other, visit The Gottman Institute. This is the official website of The Gottman Institute, which is a research-based organization that provides resources and training to help couples and individuals improve their relationships. The institute was founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who are world-renowned relationship experts and researchers. The website offers a variety of resources, including articles, videos, and online courses, that are designed to help couples and individuals build stronger, healthier relationships. The Gottman Institute is known for its evidence-based approach to relationship counselling and has helped thousands of couples and individuals improve their relationships over the years.
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More Great Stuff:
- This is a short and sweet (and thought provoking) article by Shawn Blanc.
History of Ctrl - Alt - Delete
- The article explores the history of the "Ctrl+Alt+Delete" command, which is used to access system functions on personal computers. The command was first created by David Bradley, an engineer at IBM, in the early days of personal computing. Originally intended as a way to reboot the computer, the command eventually evolved into a way to access system functions such as task manager and log out.
- The article also discusses the various interpretations and critiques of the command. Some have criticized it as an awkward and unintuitive combination of keys, while others have praised its simplicity and effectiveness. The article also explores the role of the command in pop culture and its continued relevance in the modern age of computing.
- Overall, the article provides an interesting glimpse into the history and significance of a command that has become an integral part of the personal computing experience. From its humble beginnings as a simple reboot command to its current status as a powerful system function shortcut, "Ctrl+Alt+Delete" has had a lasting impact on the way we interact with our computers.
Ok! Now pause, get yourself to a window, look up to the sky, smile, and have a great day! Look forward to send you another letter next week!
☕ eric santillan