My Will Not Do List for 2023
Volume 23, Chapter I, Number 006
Hello!
This Week’s One Great Thing: My Will Not Do List for 2023
I reflected on the Joy of Missing Out last week, and I wanted to concretise this idea of missing out by adding the dimension of INTENTIONALITY into the Joy of Missing Out. So I propose we concretise our missing out by by writing out an I WILL NOT DO LIST for 2023. We’re familiar with creating a to-do list, in fact I have made a living by coaching people the intricacies of to do lists since University. But by doing this other WILL NOT DO list, we become more conscious about what to avoid, and channel our energy into things that we REALLY want to do, which is really the deeper meaning of productivity.
“An unintentional life accepts everything and does nothing. An intentional life embraces only the things that will add to the mission of significance.” (John Maxwell)
Your will not do list for 2023 will clarify who you are and what you really desire in life. When you make that list, you are setting your personal agenda, which means not being pressured by the agenda of other people, your family, or your social group. This is important because in the culture where I come from, there are at least two things that keep us from doing ::what we really want::: (1) an embarrassment that keeps us from pushing our personal agenda (because we have been told that our personal agenda is selfish) and (2) the fear of standing out. Embarrassment comes in what other people say (even the unnamed neighbour that we have not met!), but it is the fear of standing out that is more insidious. In my culture, we are ambitious, but we are afraid to not be at par with our ambition or not be good enough. And instead of trying out and risk failure, we sit back and stay in our comfort zone.
In that sense, there is no middle ground — you either do not stand out for fear of embarrassment, or you become very outstanding. The middle ground — that ground of experimentation — is ridiculed. We have a term for people who pull those who are moving up: CRAB MENTALITY. But it is this middle ground that creates the space for new things in our lives and allow us to grow.
So I propose a list of things that I will not do. It’s a Marie Kondo in psychological and spiritual form — an uncluttering exercise that helps set you up for the rest of this year. This list can be anything: it can include things that will probably not result in the most money or the most fame or the most recognition. It can be something as simple as not joining a certain club or group, not going to certain parties, or not talking to certain people. It can be a promise not to be afraid and to take risks, set boundaries, and also a reminder to give yourself a break. It is when we strip away the fear of standing out and the pressure to do more, that we can really focus on what really matters — on being ourselves and doing things that we truly love and care about.
As a start, I can see that the following areas are a good way to start a WILL NOT DO LIST:
- Areas that you want to say no to but somehow can’t.
- Everything that’s considered a distraction from living a full day or week or month or life.
- All the tasks that you can delete, delegate (or outsource), or delay to a much later date
- Other people’s responsibilities
- Small projects that are in the way of bigger ones
- All the tasks that emotionally drain you
- The bad habits you want to eliminate
- Stuff that simply doesn’t need to be done
- Things that are out of your control
Come to think of it, this “Will Not Do List” may actually be the ultimate “To-Do List” — a reminder to remember why we started this journey in the first place and why it is important not to be afraid of the unknown. I’m sharing mine here, and hopefully it encourages you to make your own WILL NOT DO list for this year.
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I will not bring my phone into my bedroom. My circumstances this year have changed and I will need to wake up very early in the morning every week day. There is science that shows how blue light from phones, tablets and laptops are notorious in keeping us awake: they can suppress melatonin levels and delay sleepiness. Because of this necessity to sleep early so I can wake up early, I will not bring my phone into my bedroom. Instead, I’m going to focus on analog activities like reading a book, journaling, or meditating just before going sleeping.
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I will no longer delay LIFE Projects. I have some projects that I’ve always wanted to start — like this Letters from Casa Santillan. But there are others — a podcast I’ve been planning for a long time, an Organisational Development course I’ve long been procrastinating because I seem to not have the time or I don’t feel confident enough. But these “life projects” will not happen if I do not stop from my daily busy work and decide to do it. This year, I will no longer delay them and work on them even if they’re not perfect.
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I will not be scared to make mistakes. This is connected to the above. I delayed life projects because I was scared to make mistakes or have become a perfectionist with my work. But I realised that I cannot go on the path of change if I’m scared to make mistakes and become too hard on myself. I remember Conan O’Brien once said, “It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. If you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention.” Doing something–anything–and probably getting it wrong is at least ten times more creative (i.e. able to CREATE something new in us that will one day grow into something else) than doing nothing at all. Connected to this is the idea that you miss 100% of the shots you do not take. This was all too real for me last year (but that’s a topic of another letter).
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I will not check my e-mail first and the last thing every day. Part of this is that I will not have my email open while I’m working. I’ll just open when it’s time to check email (twice a day). I will also not reply to every single email since not all emails require a reply (i.e. when there’s a question that needs to be answered for example, or if the email is actionable.
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I will not spend time with zombies and emotional vampires. I have gradually honed this skill of shutting people out who do not add joy to my life over the years. That is part of my super power as an introvert. But this one is tricky for most people so I add it here as a reminder. On the one hand, we may feel like we’re abandoning people we think need us; on the other hand, life is just too precious to spend it with people who suck the happiness out of us and overlook our worth. As the show SUITS puts it: some of our friends are anchors. We have to cut them from our lives so we can fly. And “The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
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I will not spend too much time on social media. This should be almost a no brainer for us nowadays if we read up on the science behind FOMO and the negative effects of social media on our mental health. Quickly checking your friend’s vacation pictures on Instagram or the latest updates from industry experts on Twitter could be harmless, but we often find ourselves endlessly doomscrolling, which can impact both our productivity and our mental health. I personally set up a timer when browsing social media and track how much time I spend on it daily, because what you don’t measure, you cannot manage.
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I will no longer forget my spirituality.The last year was a very busy year for me work wise, and it became even busier with the birth of our 3rd child. And as the rest of the world recovered from COVID, my spirituality took a back seat. But spirituality, as my wife would always remind me, is a deep and essential part of my life. And when I forget spirituality in my life, I feel hollow, like there’s an emptiness that I fill up with work. This 2023, I will give focus back on my spirituality.
“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. Innovation is saying no to 1.000 things.” - Steve Jobs
How about you? What should be on your not-to-do list? Take a piece of paper and a pen and start creating your own, then send me that letter, from your house to mine.
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More Great Stuff:
From Dr. Jennifer Crocker:
”Contingencies of self-worth represent specific domains on which people stake their self-esteem. Individuals differ in the domains on which they base their self-worth and in the degree to which they derive worth and value from a given domain. Contingent self-worth is an ineffective source of motivation; although boosts to self-esteem feel good, they can become addictive, requiring ever greater success to avoid feelings of worthlessness.”
- Dr. Jennifer Crocker is a professor and Ohio Eminent Scholar in Social Psychology at Ohio State University. She is also a former president of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology. Her publications are on the subject of self-esteem and the contingencies and interpersonal goals that individuals have that are a clear reflection of their level of self-esteem.
- We equate our self-worth and self-esteem on things we DO, not on who we are. That is because WHO WE ARE is much more difficult to uncover. It takes years (and age or maturity) to uncover that and know who we really are. In fact, knowing who we really are is the whole point of our growth and spiritual journey. And so for lack of knowing who we are, we subconsciously (but eventually mistakenly) just focus on what we DO.
- Whatever is in the forefront of our minds expands in our life. If we always think of darkness, that expands. If we entertain and ruminate about negative things, that expands. Our thoughts become who we are.
- “What we tell ourselves ultimately becomes an extension of us if left unchecked. It’s important to understand that negative thoughts and words alone cannot negatively affect us if we realize them for what they are – innate responses without merit. But when we start believing those negative thoughts or words, they can become an extension of our character. To this end, it’s important to refrain from using words or thoughts of scarcity when possible. For example, “I’m not smart enough”, “I don’t have enough money”, “I can’t do this”, or “I’ll have to go without”. Instead, start using words of abundance: “I can handle this”, “I can always make more money”, “My mind is a powerful”, and “I’ll always have enough”.”
Ok! Now pause, get yourself to a window, look up to the sky, smile, and have a great day! Look forward to send you another letter next week!
☕ eric santillan