Learning to Say No: Setting Boundaries
Volume 23, Chapter VII, Number 030
Hello!
This Week’s One Great Thing: Learning to Say No: Setting Boundaries
The journey from being a “YES Man” to learning to say NO is more tricky than you think. It sounds fairly easy: JUST SAY NO, right? However, in practice, it can be quite challenging. Saying no involves setting boundaries and prioritising your own needs over the needs of others, usually people you love, or people you respect. This is harder than you think because our society and upbringing has oftentimes prioritised other people’s feelings over one’s own. In the Philippines, where I grew up, we were always taught that about how we should act in a certain way because it is embarrassing to our neighbours (the term is “nakakahiya sa kapitbahay”). These neighbours are not part of our family, are not part of our inner circle, they’re not even friends of my parents!
Saying NO requires assertiveness and the ability to communicate your limits effectively without anger and unnecessary emotion and over-explanation. You say NO, just because, you don’t need to over-explain yourself, because people just need to be told NO, and they don’t need your explanation.
And that whole cycle happen internally first — a growth area that is starts from within, before we become truly confident to practice it externally.
Growth is an inside job.
The Psychology Behind Saying Yes all the Time
I start with this premise: while saying yes may provide temporary satisfaction, learning to say no can lead to greater self-care and improved well-being.
It is good to understand the "why" behind our automatic 'yes.' — the psychology behind why we tend to say yes all the time.
Often, it's tied to our desire for approval or fear of rejection. We want to be seen as reliable, helpful, and kind. But when our kindness becomes a compulsive need to please others at our own expense, it's no longer healthy. It drains our energy and leaves us with little time for our own growth, be it productive or spiritual.
Another usual reason is the fear of missing out or the fear of disappointing others. We often want to be liked and accepted, so we say yes to please others. Additionally, saying yes can also stem from a lack of boundaries and low self-esteem. We may feel guilty or unworthy if we say no. We may even feel we have failed because we don’t say Yes.
It could also be a habit we learned in our family as we were growing up (as my introductory paragraph showed). As children, we may have been taught that saying yes is the right thing to do, regardless of our own needs and desires. We were praised for being obedient and accommodating. However, as adults, it is important to recognise that constantly saying yes can have negative consequences for our well-being.
Why Do We Need to Learn to Say NO?
Self-Preservation: Continually saying "YES" can lead to burnout. Our energy, time, and resources are limited. If we commit to every opportunity or request that comes our way, we can quickly find ourselves overwhelmed, stressed, and stretched too thin.
Maintaining Integrity: Agreeing to things you don’t want to do or don’t believe in can compromise your values and integrity. Saying "NO" allows you to stay true to your beliefs and standards.
Ensuring Quality: By continually saying "YES," the quality of your work might suffer. Spreading yourself too thin can lead to mediocre results in multiple areas rather than excellence in a few chosen endeavours.
Mental Well-being: Continually giving in to the desires of others, especially at the expense of your needs, can breed resentment. Over time, this can adversely affect your mental health, leading to feelings of being undervalued or used.
Empowerment: Saying "NO" can be empowering. It means you're taking control of your time and decisions rather than letting others dictate how you should spend your life.
Encouraging Self-reflection: Before responding to a request, taking the time to reflect on whether it aligns with your goals or values can provide clarity on what truly matters to you.
Prioritising: Life is full of choices, and not everything that comes our way is worth our time and energy. Saying "NO" allows you to prioritise the tasks and relationships that truly matter.
Setting Boundaries: Clearly established boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships, both personally and professionally. Saying "NO" helps set these boundaries, ensuring that others respect your time, energy, and needs.
Teaches Others Respect: By standing up for yourself and your time, you teach others to respect you. Over time, they'll come to understand that your time is valuable and that you won't say "YES" to everything.
Personal Growth: Each time you say "NO" to something that doesn’t align with your goals or values, you’re saying "YES" to yourself, your growth, and the things that truly matter to you.
In a world that often glorifies busyness, it's crucial to recognize that our worth isn't determined by how much we do, but by the quality and intention behind our actions. By managing our tendency to say "YES" all the time, we can lead a more balanced, fulfilling, and authentic life.
Practical Strategies for Saying No
Here are some practical strategies to help you say no effectively:
One technique I found effective was a simple pause. When a request or opportunity comes your way, resist the urge to respond immediately. Take a moment to reflect: Does this align with my current goals? Do I have the capacity to take this on without sacrificing my well-being or other commitments?
Start small: Begin by saying no to smaller requests before tackling bigger ones.
Practice mindful and honest communication when saying no. Being honest and respectful goes a long way. You might say, "I appreciate your offer, but I currently have other commitments that need my attention" or "I value our relationship, and I don't want to commit to something I can't fully engage in."
Offer alternatives: Instead of a flat-out no, suggest alternative solutions or compromises.
Learn to say no gracefully: Develop polite and respectful ways to decline requests. Use phrases such as "I appreciate your offer, but I'm unable to commit at this time" or "I'm sorry, but I have other obligations." Remember, you don'tYes to more work, yes to helping others even when I was stretched thin, yes to social events that I had no energy for. In my relentless pursuit of growth, productivity, and spirituality, I had neglected one critical element - setting boundaries.
Seek support: Reach out to a trusted friend or therapist for guidance and support as you navigate the process of setting boundaries and saying no.
Practice assertiveness: Use clear and direct language when saying no. Set boundaries: Identify your limits and communicate them to others.
Prioritise self-care: Put your own needs first and don't feel guilty about it.
Use "I" statements: Express your feelings and needs using statements like "I feel" or "I need."
Practice self-compassion: Understand that saying no is a form of self-respect and self-care.
Be consistent: Stick to your boundaries and say no consistently to avoid sending mixed messages.
Remember, learning to say no is a skill that takes time and practice. It's okay to make mistakes and feel uncomfortable at first. But as you continue to prioritize your own well-being and establish healthy boundaries, you'll find that saying no becomes easier and more natural.
Learning to set boundaries is an ongoing journey. It’s not about building walls, but about knowing your limits and respecting your needs. By saying no to what doesn't serve our growth, we're saying yes to a more balanced, productive, and spiritually fulfilling life. Remember, every 'no' is a 'yes' to something else - your health, your peace of mind, your spiritual growth, your personal joy. And isn't that worth it?
So keep working on it, and remember that you are deserving of respect and self-care. Saying no is not only a way to protect your own needs, but it also allows you to show up as your best self in all areas of your life.
The Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh puts it this way,
"The practice of saying no is the practice of freedom."
So, here's to freedom - the freedom to choose, to grow, and to nurture our authentic selves. Because at the end of the day, growth isn't about saying 'yes' to everything, but about saying 'yes' to the right things.
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Ok! Now pause, get yourself to a window, look up to the sky, smile, and have a great day! Look forward to send you another letter next week!
☕ eric santillan