The Idiot Algorithms
I have posted in the past about how, for the time being, I am not at all worried about the computers and the robots gaining sentience and then rising up to enslave and kill their creators, a la “The Matrix” and “The Terminator.”
I base my optimism primarily on my robot vacuum cleaner that, despite being a pretty good model, from a very good company, consistently locks itself in my downstairs bathroom until the battery runs dead.
It happens all the time and gives me hope that one day I won’t wake up to a criminal homicidal conspiracy involving my toaster, my coffee maker, and the garage door opener.
And yet, another example of our dumbass computer algorithms just happened recently:
I bought a pair of shoes online. I quite like them. About two days after my purchase, I get an email from the company asking me if “I can do them a favor” and fill out a survey about my purchase of said shoes. I delete it. As you know, this is part of the deal in the ecommerce world we live in.
Two days after that, I get a second email, gently suggesting that I might not have seen the first email.
I delete that one.
Two days later, I get a third email, really, really, pathetically begging and imploring me to take time out of my day to tell this company how wonderful (or not) it and its products are.
Now I am annoyed. I check the sender’s address and see that it’s a legit customer support email, and not a DO NOT REPLY UNMANNED ADDRESS email, so I hit reply and type the following:
“I paid for my shoes.
If you want me to review, you can pay me for my time. I bill my time at $1,000/hour.*
I estimate your survey will take 15 minutes. That's $250. I can send you my PayPal or Venmo account. Upon receipt of the $250, I will submit my review. Otherwise, stop bothering your paying customers.”
The next day, I get a thoughtful response from a real live, earnest customer service intern named “Evelyn” who apologizes for the automated emails.
Fair enough. They have a system, it’s automated, but now the emails will stop.
But here’s the part that makes this story extra special and why, in the end, civilization may be doomed not by computers that are too smart, but by computers that are no smarter than, say, your neighbor’s cocker spaniel:
About two hours after I receive my apology email from Evelyn, I receive an automated email from the company asking me to rate Evelyn’s performance as a customer service rep.
I. Shit. You. Not.
It made my whole weekend in the “You-can’t-make-this-up-so-might-as-well-laugh-and-then-we-die” sort of way.
So, if we do wake up one morning to a post-nuclear war hellscape, with vacuum cleaners and video doorbells fighting each other for world domination, just remember that it’s not our fault. We did nothing wrong except naively accept that the Zuckerbergs and Musks of the world have it all figured out, when we’re really just one errant line of code away from Evelyn in Customer Service being declared “President of the World” by default.