Paging Mr. Kozak Redux: Never Mind
Remember when I was crowing about how tech savvy I was by repairing my own laptop and making my seventh-grade shop teacher proud?
Yeah, well, never mind.
For years, I have been a bit of a “tech guy” in that I like liked being an early adopter of everything from online services (I was a Prodigy Service beta tester) to Palm Pilots (I still have the very first one) to car GPS units (my first one cost $900 and last I checked the dog was using it as a chew toy.)
As I have gotten older and crankier, my willingness to buy the latest bleeding-edge gadget and then debug it for free for the manufacturer has faded to almost zero. These days, I am more inclined to squeeze every last bit of juice out of the rotten, desiccated technological lemon I currently own, rather than buy a new one. (See: aforementioned 12-year-old laptop.)
So, when my current iPhone’s (a 2020 iPhone 12 mini) battery life got really bad, I had to make a decision: buy a new iPhone or replace the battery in my two-year-old model, which I like just fine, but the battery was becoming a big issue.
Now, I should tell you that I have replaced batteries in previous iPhones at least three times. With each successive model, it got more difficult, but each one was a success and extended the useful life of my phone for at least another year, for less than $50.
It is not for the faint-of-heart. You need a couple of special, tiny screwdrivers for the special tiny screws that Apple uses to put the things together. Also, as you can imagine, you are working on a pretty complex device, the innards of which are exquisitely small and fragile. One false move of a few micrometers and your dog has a new chew toy.
Knowing all this, I devised a plan. I ordered a battery for my iPhone mini, thinking I could do the job, but knowing that it was likely going to be harder than last time, three-plus years ago. I also ordered a new iPhone 14, just in case I screwed up the battery install. If I was successful, I would return the iPhone 14, unopened, and beat my chest like an alpha mountain gorilla who had just changed the battery in his iPhone.
The replacement battery arrived on the same day as the new iPhone. I backed up my old phone to my computer so I could restore all my data and settings to the new phone if necessary.
Then, I begin.
One of the reasons that iPhones have gotten harder to open and repair over the years is the waterproofing. Apple attaches the display assembly to the body of the phone with an adhesive that could easily be used to attach thermal tiles to the Space Shuttle if the Space Shuttle still existed. This is same adhesive that makes it possible to drop your phone in the toilet, pull it out, make sure it still works and then sell it to your brother-in-law without him being any the wiser.
But it also makes it damn near impossible to separate the display from the phone, which is step two - 2! - in the 40-something-step process of disassembling and then reassembling the phone.
The company that sells the replacement battery has step-by-step instructions on its web site and it advises you to use a hair dryer to heat the bottom of the phone to help melt the glue and break the seal.
You’re then supposed to attach a suction cup tool to the display and pull to create a gap between the display and the body of the phone, in which you then insert a plastic pick (looks exactly like a guitar pick) to slowly work your way around the edge of the phone to cut the adhesive.
Note: If you were born with two or three extra arms and hands, it would be IMMENSELY helpful in this process. For the rest of us, it is a nightmare of grabbing, holding, prying, squinting, grunting, cursing and headaches.
I worked on this step for 90 minutes and finally – FINALLY – created a gap big enough to slip the pick into and start the cutting of the adhesive.
Except…
This would be a good time to get into some critical minutiae about the iPhone display assembly. There are two parts to it: the glass that you touch and a thin, metal frame that is attached to that glass, which then attaches the whole thing to the body of the phone.
I slowly worked my way around the phone, carefully prying up the display from the phone frame. I was almost completely done when I realized…
… wait for it…
…take a guess:
I managed to separate the GLASS from the thin display frame instead of separating the entire display frame from the body of the phone.
Bear in mind, I am 1 hour 45 minutes into this, it’s step two, and I’m pretty sure I have successfully destroyed my phone.
I went through the rest of the steps and upon reassembly, sure enough, the screen was dead. Black as coal. Black as a moonless night and as my soul at that precise moment.
The unopened new iPhone 14 seemed to simultaneously grin at and mock me from across the room. I unboxed the new phone, restored it from my backup and ported my number over to it. (That’s a whole separate story as the new iPhones don’t have physical SIM cards and my budget phone carrier hadn’t quite worked out the kinks of the eSim process.)
So, after showering in the warm glow of techno-glory and having songs and poems written about me after my faulty fan affair on the trusty old laptop, I have now managed to ruin a perfectly good phone and drag my family’s name through the mud of ignominy and shame.
Except…
As I was about to smash the old phone with a hammer before burying the pieces in a shallow, unmarked grave in an undisclosed location (for data security…), I heard a noise. It was strong, and loud and proud. It was the noise a new phone would make. Except that this noise was coming from… the old iPhone mini.
One of the apps I use is a medicine tracker to remind me and help keep track of the daily fistful of pills I take to keep my heart beating in a semiregular fashion.
It makes a noise like a bottle of pills being shaken when it’s time for me to take something. It was telling me to take my evening meds!
What a loyal pal! My old iPhone was reaching out from the afterlife to say “I’m not dead yet!” It was functioning perfectly, except for the whole “no-screen-so-no-way-to-do-absolutely-anything” issue.
So, now I am left with the decision: Do I buy a replacement screen assembly for about $160 in order to have a “back up” phone? (I have always kept my previous phone just in case something happens to the current one.)
Or, do I just throw in the towel, put the iPhone 12 on a canoe, cast it out to sea and set it afire with a well-aimed flaming arrow?
As Thomas Paine so eloquently stated when he was trying to decide whether to buy the latest quill pen technology: “These are the times that try men’s souls.”
In the end, he made the right decision and went on to help birth a new nation.
I hope to be as worthy, and honor him, my family and Mr. Kozak.
Stay tuned.