1990: “Do You Sell Carbon Fiber Running Shoes?”
Remember when I said I wanted to live like the people in pharmaceutical commercials? I wasn’t being entirely truthful. In fact, I want to live like me, but 30 years ago.
How so? That earlier newsletter post got me thinking about my life purely from a product consumption perspective.
We recently had to replace some items around the house which, by all measures, are pretty dull:
water heater
water softener
garage door
And yet, for each of these mundane purchases, I threw myself into researching the best possible options as I used to with much more fun things like cars and electronics.
That led me to divvy up my life into “product eras.” That is, the coolest, most fun things acquired during each of these time periods:
0-10 years: Fisher-Price phone, Spider-Man comics, tricycle
11-20: G.I. Joe, bicycle, used car
21-30: new car, good stereo, bicycle
31-40: house, cell phone, bicycle
41-50: iPhone, GPS watch, bicycle
51-55: good snow tires, programmable thermostat, new garage door opener
56-59: hot water heater, water softener, new mattress
Next year: new heating system, new toilets, new implanted cardio defibrillator/pacemaker (the batteries in my current one will be ten years old and running out of oomph.)
Detect a pattern here? Age 0-50: cool shit; age 51-whatever: the dullest possible stuff in the world.
I kind of miss the version of me that scoured the latest issues of “Triathlete” and “Road & Track” magazines for my next wheeled vehicle purchase. Now, (as previously observed) magazines don’t exist and I’m scouring medical journals and medical device manufacturer web sites to see which cardiac implants are compatible with MRI machines so that I can someday get back surgery without my heart being accidentally ripped out of my chest by a giant magnet. (I don’t think my high-deductible health plan covers that.)
Thirty-year-old Bill wanted titanium bikes and powered sub-woofers. Now, I want titanium stents and a white noise generator loud enough to mask my snoring so that I don’t wake myself up 30x/night.
All that said, I also sort of like not caring about having the latest phone or car or running shoes. Which is great because I have my eye on a VERY sweet titanium artificial hip. And seriously thinking about upgrading to the Bluetooth model!
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A quick favor: If you enjoy this newsletter, share it with a friend. (If you hate it, share it with Marge in Purchasing who keeps losing your request for new pens after she got drunk and hit on you at last year’s office Christmas party.)
While I have no plans to monetize this publication, I hope to amass a large enough readership to have a “GoFundMe” capable of buying that wheelchair in the photo should the need ever arise. Or at least expand my audience beyond my mother, my friend Jeff and some guy named “George” who accidentally signed up when he thought he was registering for an OnlyFans account.
Thanks!