The "100-Word Review" Review
A while back, I tried to write 100-word reviews for things, but it neither took nor kept. For better or worse, here are all the ones I've written. Enjoy?
A long time ago, I was inspired by Tevin Thompson's 100-word video game reviews and thought "well I could do that for everything!"
And so I tried, for a while, to do just that. It was a nice exercise, and one I consider often about returning to, but ultimately who cares? I'm usually only ever writing to just humor myself, often with the thought that maybe only one other person might be amused, but it's never really for a greater benefit of any kind.
That said, here are all the 100-word reviews I've written over the years. Enjoy them! ... or don't.
Let the Right One In (2008)
Let the Right One In is set in cold, dark Stockholm - a locale where one can imagine a tale filled with vampiric terror taking place. This story, however, is less a terror than a tragedy.
The immortal Eli (eternally age 12), and the mortal 12-year old Oskar (eternally bullied), befriend each other over a Rubik’s Cube. They end up falling for and supporting each other through the darkest of thick-and-thins.
I love the subtle implication that Eli's been through this before. We needn’t know her past in order to understand it, nor her and Oskar’s future.
A definite must-see.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2011)
Recently, I learned how closely this movie sticks to the book, and I’m surprised, though I don’t know why. Fincher and co. worked hard to maintain the cold, dark, depressing atmosphere Stieg Larsson created, while keeping the characters true to their written selves, and they thoroughly succeeded! Sweden looks cold and feels dark, all while the characters and their situations remain depressing.
Daniel Craig is a spot-on Blomkvist, and Stellan Skarsgård makes an excellent Vanger, but the show belongs to Rooney Mara, who owns every scene in which she appears.
As it is with most Fincher films, it’s highly recommended.
Men in Black 3 (2012)
The introduction of time travel to the Men in Black franchise has done it a surprising favor: it brought the world Josh Brolin doing a spot-on impersonation of Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K.
It also ripped open a giant hole in the fabric of the series, however, and I’m still not sure what to make of it. Will Smith’s Agent J would have had to've been memory-flashy-thingied many times over throughout the course of his life so as to not be aware of Agent K, since K saved J as a kid, right?
Hole aside, Brolin makes the movie. Period.
Journery (2012)
Journey is beautiful to look at, listen to, and play. It’s peaceful, melancholic, joyous, and comforting.
Journey‘s multiplayer is the best. Make the trek with a stranger you randomly encounter, or go alone - either is fine. And seamless! And free of negativity since there’s no voice chat, just the sing-songy chirping of a button press, conveying… something… that someone else will, hopefully, interpret.
Journey gives one a sense that there’s something greater, either “out there” or “among us,” but it never aims to make one feel (completely) insignificant.
Journey is perfect, and I might have teared-up at the end.
The VVitch: A New-England Folktale (2015)
The VVitch is slow and the dialog is, at first, difficult to take in. Viewers can thank first-time writer/director Robert Eggers’ strict attention to detail and adherence to realism for that.
Taking place in the 1630’s, viewers follow a religiously pious family as they are shunned out of their new-world colony and forced to settle elsewhere. Their sanity slowly dissolves as an unknown force infiltrates their lives and they try to start anew; they suffer tragedies, experiencing loss of crop, family, and faith.
Never-ending gloom hangs in the air and, for 92 minutes, I'm absolutely enthralled.
This movie is perfection.
S’mores Oreo Sandwich Cookies (2015)
First, let me get this portmanteau-shaped bug out of my system: Why didn’t Nabisco call them “S’mOreos?” Were they referred to as such internally? We’ll never know.
Anyway, if the Cotton Candy Oreo cookies are the lowest end on the Limited Edition flavor ladder (and they really are), then the S’mores Oreo cookies hover around the top. Without the frosting being too thick, Nabisco has two layers of flavor in the middle - chocolate and marshmallow - and it seems to be a richer chocolate than is used in the reverse Oreos.
And that graham cracker cookie? Pretty damn good!
Jurassic World (2015)
I'm unable to, in my heart, give this movie a pass because the last 30 minutes are awesome (they are). The other 90 minutes are pretty boring, made worse by the fact that the two brothers, sent to the park by their folks to vacation with their too-busy-working-at-the-park aunt (Bryce Dallas Howard), are super-annoying.
Ignoring criticisms pitched at the film for failing to provide a realistic portrayal of a strong, independent woman, I found Bryce to be the best part of the film - even more bad-ass than the uncharacteristically uncharming Chris Pratt.
In conclusion: The movie is only just fine.
Ziggurat (2015)
Ziggurat is the best Heretic-esque, Binding of Isaac-ish, first-person roguelike I have ever played. It's also the only one , so maybe that's why.
The story is nonsense, taking backseat to the real reason to play: Leveling up while fighting through ridiculous baddies and bosses in randomly-generated catacombs.
There are seven floors to complete per playthrough, each more challenging than the last ; I can usually complete two before dying. The rooms of each floor treat you to upgrades, new weapons, or monster closets. Creatures range from floating skulls to deranged carrots; all present unique challenges.
I kinda love this stupid game.
Voodoo Doughnuts (Portland, OR) (2017)
Ever been to Dunkin’ Donuts and thought “I would love if this were topped with stale cereal,” “Crushed Oreos would make this better,” or “This’d look perfect if it was neon blue and pink?” If so, then there’s no reason not to go to Voodoo Doughnuts, a staple for probably most Portland tourists.
But that’s just it, the eyes see a lot of awesome looking treats, but the mouth just tastes a Dunkin’ Donut. With a twist, sure, but that twist doesn’t always work.
Regardless, I’d still recommend visiting Voodoo, just know that there’s a better Portland doughnuts destination.
Blue Star Donuts (Portland, OR) (2017)
I’d imagine that, when one visits Portland, they're told to check out Voodoo Doughnuts. While I don’t disagree that Voodoo is worth checking out (once, for kicks), Blue Star Donuts is the better of the two, possibly offering the best doughnuts I’ve ever had. The dough is light and airy, but the doughnuts are substantial.
And flavorful! Suggesting that the flavors are more complex or adult than Voodoo doesn’t mean that they’re any less fun/playful, but rather less gimmicky. Cereal and cookies aren’t necessary here, allowing the flavors to truly speak for themselves.
I’ll have another Meyer Lemon Lime, please.
The Beguiled (2017)
I haven’t seen the 70’s original, nor have I read the book, so I'm left wondering if Sofia Coppola’s take on The Beguiled might be better on subsequent viewings. Reason being is that the trailer led me to expect a paranoid, erotic psychological thriller period film. And I suppose the film is kinda that, but only in the very lightest of senses. Expectations had me waiting and left me wanting for something more.
What was on screen was still some great acting from the three female leads, and Colin Farrell being Irish. Not Coppola’s best, but not her worst either.