Best Relationships to Have With the Host of the Talk Show You're Appearing On
Congratulations on getting famous enough that you can appear on a talk show! Do you have a story? How about a backup story? Another backup story?
Since you're so famous, you are going to decide which talk show to appear on! There are several of them, and their hosts are all total freaks. So let's review the hosts and what the ideal relationship is to their guests:
Stephen Colbert (Late Show): His best interviews are with people who want to have lengthy conversations about the religious themes of dense texts. If you have something to say about Moby Dick, or East of Eden, or just The Bible, get ready for a web exclusive of your twenty minute conversation. It'll be the only time this week he seems engaged on his show at all.
Seth Meyers (Late Night): Were you on SNL with Seth Meyers, or ever? This is your show. You entered the Broadway Video Production Line right out of college and now it'll be the rest of your life so you may as well accept it. Get ready to name drop SNL writers from the 90s by their last names to an audience who have never heard of them, or of you.
Jimmy Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel): A great choice if you're in a Disney property (musicals, Marvel, Star Wars, Avatar, the Bachelor, Twilight, Buck Rogers, DC, Maestro, May/December, Happy Days, Leaving Las Vegas, Twelve Monkeys, etc). Lucky for you it's also mandatory! If you do 23andme before coming on and you turn out to be related to Jimmy, you're also eligible for a job on the show.
Jimmy Fallon (Tonight): If you have something to promote, why not?
Sean Evans (Hot Ones): Nobody on earth has a personal relationship with Sean Evans except possibly Steve-O, so let's focus on what you should plan for: If you can eat spicy food without reacting you'll go viral as a god. If you react at all to any spicy food, your best bet at virality is to get hostile to Sean and the crew. Threaten to kill him and them, swear a lot, and mention that the show films pretty early in the day considering how awful your bowel movements will be.
Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore): The sweet spot is to be someone who was nice to Drew 20-30 years ago but haven't seen her since. She'll cry when you arrive, you can cuddle one of the dogs that wanders freely around her set, and be ready for Ross Mathews to painstakingly drag everyone's attention away for his prepared questions.
The Daily Show: Maybe you can host for a week, who knows?
SCREEN TIME: SOME THOUGHTS ON AND RECOMMENDATIONS OF CHILDREN'S MEDIA
I love Bluey, like all of you, but it's a very normy show. There isn't much interest, it seems, in portraying any families or lifestyles that are too far from mainstream, and it's pretty rah-rah patriotic #supportthetroops. I think it probably reflects Joe Brumm's worldview on more than just childrearing, perhaps unintentionally.
WHAT'S NEW ON GH LATELY
Nina's secrets (she reported Drew and Carly to the SEC for insider trading then allowed Ned to take the "blame" for snitching because he got amnesia and couldn't remember that it was her, not him, who did it; also a small handful of related secrets) finally came out after she was blackmailed by THREE individuals over them. Her life is somewhat ashambles, which is a shame but also somewhat deserved.
Apparently Jason is coming back. He left the show because the actor, muscle powder seller, podcast and right-wing lunatic Steve Burton refused to get vaccinated. Now Disney doesn't care, so he can come back (in the interim, his wife left him and got pregnant so fast that they both needed to release public statements about how the baby wasn't his). I am not excited about this, and not just because I think Steve Burton is a dangerous schmuck: I wasn't watching GH back when Jason and Liz were a thing, or Jason and Sam were a thing, and I just do not get this guy's appeal! He is a boring actor on a show full of people turning in absolutely unhinged performances day after day. He doesn't wear a helmet when he rides his motorcycle and everyone in Port Charles agrees that even though he's literally a mob hitman, he has a code of ethics so he's okay in their book. Sorry, I'm not here for it and probably never will be (that said, someone in a forum suggested that he and Nina should get together, which would be so toxic and messy it could honestly bring me around on him).
TAGS
This broadcast's theme song is Do You Know What It Means To Miss New Orleans?, which served as the theme song for the short-lived show Frank's Place (I'm working on a thing about Frank's Place lately).
Last time I wrote here, I mentioned the series Naked City, and the sounds of cop shows. I don't have anything new to add about them but they're both things I've got on my mind still.
I might have more to say about it another time, but I appreciate that the Feud: Capote vs the Swans show exists. I don't know if, without Ryan Murphy, any network executive would say "We need a show about Truman Capote's friendships with wealthy middle aged socialites!" Ryan Murphy and I have different tastes but if I had his power in Hollywood I would want to make shows about the same subjects he does. Also, I wonder if deep down he really thinks of himself as the Nip/Tuck sicko, because that's how I'll always think of him.
I also suggested I was going to compare a Quibi series to a somewhat famous text. I still might.
I've been working on a book review for the past few months that will hopefully be done soon. Last year, I also wrote about Ernie Kovacs and where television disappears to for the Los Angeles Review of Books.
I'm very happy for Lisa Ann Walter on her recent Celebrity Jeopardy victory, not least of all because Mo Rocca was playing for what sounded like the stupidest charity ever (and I like Mo Rocca in general).
I also still plan to run a thing based on some interviews I conducted a long time ago. Don't give me grief about it please.
My friend Rebecca and I came up with a really good programming scheme for some major streamers but it might deserve a little more space than this, I'll tell you about it soon.
I've been rewatching UnREAL lately (in part to remind myself of shows about reality TV that I enjoyed more than The Curse) and season one really is terrific. I think season two is somewhat misguided but stronger than I remembered (it has the common problem of being about how white people look at antiracism while sidelining the experiences of Black people). I'm excited to return to the anarchy of the series's second half.
"'Take care of yourself and each other.' - Jerry Springer" - Harry Waksberg