Capacity On

I’ve been asked to serve as a reviewer of an academic article which is teaching lessons to my former academic self. That version of KCF would have been filled with a variety of feelings cycling through annoyance, distress, dread, or anger as I waited impatiently for reviewer one or two to provide their verdict to me. All the feelings involved for waiting for words back so I could get my words out and onto my C.V. for my tenure file. For those not in the habit of submitting scholarly journal articles to edited journals, this is a process that can take anywhere from nine months on the quick end of things from submission to publication (though unheard of in my experience) to up to three years. So when I say cycling through the emotions this isn’t just happening in the span of a couple of weeks, but rather, this one is quite a drawn out process that is well out of one’s control. A true lesson in waiting. I have chosen to step outside of this system as author but still retain the credentials to provide feedback to other scholars about their work. This has been a true delight because it was one of the more fun-filled aspects of my job (which surprise surprise didn’t count for much for my tenure file) but none-the-less brought me joy, purpose and satisfaction.

So, back to present KCF. This version of me has been giving myself a bit of grace because I was asked to step in as Reviewer Two after someone who had been previously asked declined. But that means for the author of the work I’m reviewing that they are likely cycling through the emotions Past KCF once knew very up close and personally as they are waiting and waiting and waiting for the feedback to come in on their article. At least I have been a responsible Reviewer Two, constantly in communication with the Journal Editors to let them know of my estimated timeline on when I will be able to get word back to them about the submission, so I have not been like some reviewers who just ghost the journal. The Journal Editor has issued me an extension on my review twice now. And has been totally generous and respectful of my time.

“I plan on getting to it in this upcoming week or the next by the latest” I shared in the electronic communication of the professional class quickly beating back the tide of emails piling up in my inbox. And she, likely going through untold emotional states herself, emailed me back that she appreciated the update. I truly do plan to get to it this upcoming week or by the next at the latest, but I have had that intention the last couple of weeks and wasn’t able to do it. I won’t bore you with the details and minutia of my schedule though I will say that I have largely been beyond my capacity. Ha! I just looked at my calendar and it turns out I’m three weeks in past where I thought I would have had the capacity to sit down and really do the job right. So, this is all to say I am at my limit.

I have a tendency to believe a limit does not apply to me. This is really great for goal setting and envisioning the world in which I want to live, but maybe not so great in the fact that this version of reality smacks me in the face with the harsh reminders about my true capacity to hold all of what is asked of me and what I ask of myself. I’m also noticing right now, that perhaps my ability to expand myself energetically to hold a lot of tasks, goals, and commitments is either aligning differently with my physical capabilities of my body because of aging or, I have mentally shifted my priorities that take into calculation the consequences of the risks related to expanding beyond what I know is a better capacity for myself. Or maybe both, or some of each, or something I haven’t even quite come to be identify yet, is at play here. Either way, I’m pretty proud of myself that I am listening to the signs my body gives me when I’m past capacity and have shifted toward a state of being at capacity but not beyond! Small victories. Hence my delay in getting the review completed, I didn’t have it in me, so I didn’t do it.

Past KCF would have completed the task when the original due date was negotiated at great cost to Past KCF. Past KCF would have not taken anything off their plate and instead would have expanded beyond capacity to get this review done by they said it would be handled. So in that regard I am very proud of Present KCF. She is doing great! Only handling what she can handle, while also acknowledging that this is currently too much to hold at this pace! Seriously, the last two months have been quite the whirlwind, that is continuing to twist and turn and whirl as I’ve been misleading myself it will slow down and falsely projecting to others that my life is actually slowing down.

I’m hoping I’m at the end of that sprint and that I don’t work myself into any unforeseen races I somehow didn’t account for in the next three months of this calendar year. I am itching to get back to painting and my studio life that takes place in the container of my studio. And, I have some big things in the works for that contained studio time, coming soon in the form of a big reveal - that is projecting into 2024. And all of this is to say, I have grown such deep compassion for the past reviewers who were all likely beyond capacity attempting to get back to that task day after day and not being able to, while also holding the guilt of not getting to something they said they would. It turns out we all (I) do in fact have limits and it’s sometimes good to be reminded of where the limit is, and where that limit might have shifted. It’s ok to change the capacity calculation. Actually, even more so than that, it might be necessary and required work of us in these times. So much of the reality of our lives is a constant reckoning with the forces at work of capital, of patriarchy, of white settler colonialism that demands and takes at will for profit, power, and dominance. And we (by this I am truly talking to KCF here) would be better off recognizing the consequences of operating in the zone beyond our capacity for long periods of time. It is a lesson I seem to be needing to continually relearn, and so I’m trying in a new way, publicly, in a community of folks likely struggling with similar challenges. And for those of you in my circle who don’t struggle with capacity issues, please teach me your ways. My newest commitment to Present KCF is that whenever I add something into the mix I have to take something out. I’m trying y’all!

And I will get to that article review this week. I will.

What I’m Reading

Saving Time: Discovering a Life Beyond the Clock by Jenny Odell

I reviewed Jenny Odell’s first book How to Do Nothing in a 2020 newsletter and I am happy to be back in her orbit through accessing her words in her new book Saving Time. Odell’s meditation on time is expansive and simultaneously grounded in the questions of our day around how time has been constructed by colonial interests and how this form of clock time shapes and impacts our realities. I’m currently listening to her words and in awe of the myriad connections she makes between our different experiences of time and the timeliness (pun intended) of thinking differently about it. As someone who spends a lot of time thinking about time this really hits my intellectual curiosities in a good way. For those also looking for ways to remain hopeful about our environmental times, Odell provides glimmers of other ways of approaching our apocalyptic doom cycles when it comes to our future forecasts. 
 

Creative Ritual

Since my last correspondence I have sent a painting off to Not Your Mother’s Quilt show that will open October 12 and run through November 15 at the Kavanagh Gallery located in the Fine Line Creative Arts Center in St. Charles, IL. As I write this, I’m wondering if I should zip over there for the artist reception on October 13th? Ha! It’s only an 8 hour drive for me… should I? Anyways, for cost purposes I am usually dropping off all my large paintings via vehicle delivery so to make a box and ship it out was a delight! I also deinstalled my show that was up at CLUES with the help of mi Hermana who is also serving as studio and ChicFinn assistant for a couple of weeks as a true lifesaver. I spent a day in a photagraphy session with an amazing photographer to create some new images for my socials and web-presence which was so much fun. I cannot wait to share images from the sessions with Ashley. I’ve been doing a ton of consulting work for artists which has been fun and meaningful and helps with the budget, but also doesn’t exactly result in completed paintings. Hoping the next fifteen days I will be logging more purposeful painting hours in the studio!

Upcoming Events and ways to connect with me!

• Tune in around 1:10pm Thursday October 5th on Facebook Live through MAHUBE-OTWA Community Action Partnership where I and another community member will be having a facilitated conversation about Latinx culture in our region and our relationships to Latinx Heritage Month
• Monday October 16 5:30-8:00pm I'll be facilitating the Work of Art Series Workshop on Pricing in New London MN - if you're in southwest MN consider attending, it's free. Also check out the other Springboard zoom or in-person opportunities
• Ongoing - shop the Art of KCF small works collection! I have candy portraits and tiny tequilas which would make perfect gifts for yourself or others for Halloween and Día de los Muertos holidays coming up soon. We are just days away from Scorpio season! 
• Ongoing - book a consultation with me! I've been having so much fun working with other artists to problem-solve, and more importantly dream big for their artist careers. Ask me how you can get on my books or another cool ACC's calendar. 
• Ongoing - become a supporting sustainer of the Art of KCF creative visioning, all monthly sustainers receive a delightful handmade print and special behind the scenes pics from my sketchbook that don't show up elsewhere in the internets! Join the other seven other super fans today! 

Questions to ponder

How do you gage your capacity for what you can handle? 
In what ways can you adjust your goals and your daily life to be below your absolute limit?
How are you preparing and adjusting your creative goals for the rest of this calendar year?
In what ways might you have compassion for a different version of yourself?

Thanks for journeying with me. I hope, as always, that you take what you need and leave the rest for someone else, or for another time. 

-KCF

The Art of KCF Newsletter is a fiscal year 2023 recipient of a Creative Support for Individuals grant from the Minnesota State Arts Board. This activity is made possible by the voters of Minnesota through a grant from the Minnesota State Arts Board, thanks to a legislative appropriation from the arts and cultural heritage fund.