Married to Art
Married to Art
In a different timeline I can imagine my life just like the “dream” of this country’s supposed promise: a suburban home, the white picket fence, a one-income household, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a husband named Art. He’d have picked up that nickname in college, but he’d go by Arthur at work. More professional, you know? I’d be running a household like it was my job, because it was my job. Think Wandavision, but fewer superpowers, more gratitude for electric washing machines. It’s easy to do this imaginary exercise because I, like you, was raised in a world ruled by compulsory heterosexuality - the idea that we’re all straight until we’re not. But it’s not particularly fun for me to do so. I’m very grateful I’m on my current timeline.
So, let me introduce you to my partner, Art. They’re nonmonog, they get around. I share them with a lot of other people (artists, have you heard of ‘em?) It’s funny, only because it’s true. A friend recently shared that she had made a commitment to her painting and that in doing so it had enabled her to approach the work with a different mindset. And I’ve got marriage on my mind because Vaimo and I are hosting Hermanita’s wedding here, at our home, in exactly one week. Vaimo and I are also heading into celebrating our eight year wedding anniversary in early October, which more or less we will celebrate at my first in-person art show since I committed to Art. Which, has been defined by a global pandemic, that also seems like a nightmare from which none of us can wake. At least I’ve had Vaimo and Art by my side through it all.
What does it mean to be married to your art? Married to your work? Married to your partners? Marriage fundamentally is a contract agreement, historically a property exchange of women from father to new male caretaker. A truly sexist institution at its core. One that made my young feminist heart decry, “I shall never be married!” I used to have nightmares of being in a huge fluffy white dress, walking down the aisle of a Catholic Church, waking up in a sweat and breaking out in stress hives because of it. But, I’ve never felt that level of panic in my working life, even when it might have been stressful, even as I navigate waking panic attacks. Because while work is a stressor, it’s also my number one coping mechanism for my chronic anxiety. Which makes me really question, do I love work? Or do I love how work distracts my nervous system enough so that I can function in the world? And while I can rationally step back and examine my working habits that always default to “doing way too much,” I do think I really love it. I don’t know of a better high than getting something done. The challenge is that the good feeling of achieving is so fleeting. As soon as it’s over, there’s really not enough time to revel in the accomplishment. Because the high is no longer a high, because you’re not doing it. Of course here, the universal you just means me. I finish something and cycle through feeling accomplished in about 30 seconds and ask, what’s next (or consult my list). But marriage, marriage is a process, a practice, a commitment, an ongoing relationship bound up with the law (at worst), enveloped by community (at its best).
“Work can’t love you back” the old adage says. And it’s true, toiling away at work cannot give you what an intimate relationship with another human (romantic or otherwise can). Though, I do know paintings speak to us. Maybe, they do love us back in their own way. Painters know. I know I like being around paintings, that I feel different in their presence. I consider my paintings friends, or mirrors, or portals. So powerful these creations become. The interaction between our hand, the brush, our medium and the surface we adorn is not one-directional. It’s a relationship of a different kind. Probably all art is, though I spend most of my time with my Art partner, who typically takes the shape of stretched canvas across boards I’ve cut and screwed. What do you need, Art? And Art tells me, if I’m willing to listen beyond my ears. Like any good relationship, it’s mostly about being present in the agreed upon terms. The legal contract doesn’t matter so much to Art, I suppose. The piece of paper I need to validate my relationship with Vaimo as her person in the eyes of the state and other institutions is not necessary for Art. But there needs to be some agreement. Some disclosure of intimacy, that involves stating intentions and following through with them. Maybe there are witnesses, that was one of the best part of my and Vaimo’s wedding, sharing it with others, and feeling like they are a part of our marriage journey. Our Minister is my Bestie, who, is also the Minister of my relationship with Art as an artist himself.
If marriage is a difficult analogy for you (I know it is for me) perhaps a simple commitment ceremony will do. Maybe there is a dress, or dancing, or a group sauna, but most of the time it’s the feeling of knowing you are held as you discuss what to make for dinner again. And sometimes that’s an adventure, but most of the time it’s simply comforting. At the end of the day, I’ve found the best part about being married to Vaimo is that she and I are our fullest selves with each other through the good and the bad. Art pushes me to stay there, as my fullest (dare I say best self), and on a good day if I can catch a fraction of that effort through that relationship, I'd call it a win. In my Summer Arts class I took, one of our assignments was to make a list of 10 Studio Rules in the spirit of Sister Corita Kent’s Rules for Creatives, an agreement of sorts. In fact, one of my classmates started her list with the words “I agree…” and what powerful vows they are. Perhaps, a list of 10 best practices, or guiding principles, or vows are in your future? I’m revisiting mine as I juggle a lot. Working on a catering menu, cleaning our house, preparing for visitors, praying for good weather... For goddess sake, please send good weather our way for the fall equinox wedding happening outside in West Central Minnesota in seven days. A sunny, calm day is our request. Whatever you choose to vow today, may there be sun in your studio for your (re)commitment ceremony to Art, or with whomever you choose to spend your time.
What I’m Reading
The Secret to Super Human Strength by Alison Bechdel
I took most of July and August off from reading books which I didn’t realize was such an issue for me until I treated myself to a trip to the library and checked out five books when I told myself the limit was three and quickly devoured three of them in two days. I guess it turns out reading is one of my pillars of my self-care and I had been inadvertently depriving myself of one of my coping mechanisms for emotional self-regulation while the pace of my life forced me into other pursuits. And while this might feel like a complete aside for the portion of the newsletter dedicated to reviewing others’ words, I will be so bold as to assert that Alison Bechdel probably wouldn’t mind the detour into my psyche and my desire for my own version of transcendence as the lead in to the review of her third graphic memoir The Secret to Super Human Strength. For fans of the MacArthur Genius’ work, the third graphic memoir feels like a perfect blend of her first two efforts, Fun Home and Are you My Mother in that we have so much more focus on Bechdel’s history of exercise throughout her life while she also threads in asides of other writer/artists from those of the era of the Romantics to Jack Kerouac who were searching for something as most of us creative types are. I loved the organizational style of the decades of her life and the various ways Bechdel tries to find her truth through tiring out her body in such relatable ways for those unapologetic workaholics amongst us. Ultimately, Bechdel’s fascination with the self as both psychological/spiritual and material via the body is a worthy read that I would like to visit again through purchasing a copy for my home library.
Artist Offerings
- I really enjoyed this Femme Art Review write up on Dani Lopez’s work that focuses on queer textiles
- Speaking of textiles, I’m obsessed with reading more about the Pattern and Decoration Movement, send me recommendations if you have them for me!
- As a Xicanx artist, I, as well as many other owe so much to the work and legacy of Yolanda López who transitioned to the spirit realm on September 3, 2021. ¡Presente!
- Speaking of Xicanas finally getting their long overdue broader circulation in the Art World I want to see this much deserved Judy Baca retrospective
- Super into these interior paintings by Hilary Pecis, the colors, the scale!
Creative Ritual
I successfully submitted a fellowship application that I have committed to releasing my ego from attachment about the outcome, a great practice for me! I’ve been sneaking 20 minutes to two hour blocks of time on two large paintings I’m working on that I will travel with to a show in Kansas the first weekend of October. I’m making slow and steady progress which will become fast and furious progress next week following Hermanita’s big event at our household. For those who would like to see the work of my class I took this summer, there is a video of our presentation you can see here my section starts at 6:02 and you can see images of two of the four paintings that will be up at the aforementioned show. I’ve got a lot going on outside of my relationship with Art and thankfully have planned for this respite, but I'm really eager to be back in my studio full time again soon.
Questions to Ponder
Have you met Art?
What are you vowing to do these days?
How will you celebrate your union with your creative practice?
Who witnesses your relationship with Art?
Thanks for journeying with me. I hope, as always, that you take what you need and leave the rest for someone else, or for another time.
-KCF
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