Feeling like a teenager again
In February 1998 Young KCF was well into the spring term of her sophomore year. She was dating a senior, which to this day I’m not really sure why or how my parents allowed, but maybe because my family knew his family? We went to the same church… did my dad work with his? I can’t quite remember, but there were some green flags I guess? Me and ASG would go see a lot of movies, I loved it when he would drive me all the way out to Century Rio which was a haul from the NE Heights. We probably didn’t go see Titanic when it hit theaters in 1997 together, but maybe we did? I feel like that was the movie you went to several times to see on the big screen, anytime someone wanted to go see it, you went for the cultural experience.
And when the tin whistle instrumental notes hit my ear, I am instantly transported back to this era. “Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you…” If this isn’t teenage angst I don’t know what is. I transport myself back here often, because for those who don’t know, the Diva ballad belters of the 90s are my go to road trip soundtrack for when I need to stay awake on a long haul in the dark. I will put on Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, or Mariah Carey’s greatest hits and sing until my throat is dry as I stay between the white lines in the dark on the long road ahead. Truly, just the other day I did this! Driving back from Tucson to Albuquerque, I took the last leg to get us back home and was singing through all of Celine’s cinematic top hits. So, so satisfying. “They just don’t make music like this anymore” I mutter to myself as the last note of the song fades out. Tears meander down my cheeks while Vaimo softly snores in the passenger seat and I’m in awe of the power of love.
I’m sending this missive to you on the anniversary of “My Heart Will Go On” hitting number 1 on the Billboard charts. The song and Celine’s performance would go on to win an Oscar and I’m hard pressed to name another song so recognizably tied to a mainstream blockbuster beyond a musical production. Do you ever just marvel at how the stars align to bring us art that just hits at the right time in the right way? As a painter, I am not trying to catch this wave, but I do like imagining all it took to make Titanic, and for this song to be chosen, and for Celine to record it, and for this style of music to have broad appeal and and and. Titanic isn’t even my favorite film… but these artistic experiences do bring people together and connect us to universal human themes like love, acceptance, belonging. All the things we need as humans to thrive.
“Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on…”
Back to Present KCF, I’m finding myself struggling with my newsletter project in 2025. I know which newsletters I delete immediately upon seeing them in my inbox - you probably know the type too, the marketing emails that are like sign up for this class, buy my book, buy this, do that, hurry hurry only 30 minutes left to claim your spot… I don’t like this false urgency. I don’t like it that a day later they’ll say “extended for just one more day” because you know the product didn’t sell out. I don’t like the AI generated copy, the cut and paste format with just a few words changed here and there.
As a writer, I want to craft so that these words will be taken in, sat with, thought about, circulated. I hope the community I’m trying to build through this practice is one that looks forward to opening this newsletter to see what’s happening, what’s going on, to read all (if not, most) of the words here with purpose and full attention.
And so, that’s why I’m feeling like a teen again. Unsure if the steps I’m taking are the right ones. Launching the additional wing of the newsletter practice with a weekly reminder on where and how to support me as an artist in these times feels scary. I don’t want to be sending things instantly deletable. This shift in releasing what I’m lovingly calling my Freaky Friday weekly inspiration for your inbox is stretching me. I am largely a one-person operation (though I do have an active virtual studio assistant contract right now which is incredible- SO to my Hermana!) Time and energy are my largest resources I need to guard with my life.
And while writing is integral to my painting practice I am wanting (needing) to be painting more. I’ve already pretty much lost the audio podcast version to the wind. I never have enough time or capacity to record the letter, edit, finesse, post. I could do it if I pushed myself I suppose, but I’m desperately trying to not do that anymore. I don’t want to push, chase, or force, I want to flow, float, or move with ease.
I’ve been hemming and hawing about changes around here for a while now. Some changes have already happened through attrition, and the time constraints of this one-person operation and my hope of living the values (above) that I say I want in my life. Five years in, my needs and desire to use this space have shifted since launching this project in 2020. Do I need to spell things out or can I just do it? Teenage, first born, people pleaser KCF is afraid to do what they want. And Present KCF knows I need to build different systems to work for me now, which is a scary leap. But, I’m not a teenager anymore and I know that I’ve made much scarier leaps.
“Once more you open the door and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on…”
Don’t fret, I’m not saying goodbye or anything. The Art of KCF will still hit your inbox, it’s just going to be shorter, and weekly for the rest of 2025. I try my best to inspire you to open and read. There will be more painting sales forward content coming your way. I understand if that’s not for you. There will be plenty of other ways to connect. Like… did you hear? I’ve got a YouTube Channel I’m launching? Currently I have some shorts up, but I’m gearing up for some longer form content. Let’s consider this all a little experiment, and of course, if there are things you’d like to see here please let me know. I’m open to suggestions and, reserve the right to decide how I’m using my spaces. I’ll channel that teenage feeling of certainty and stubborness here when I’m scared.
Thanks for reading. Love to you and yours in these times,
-KCF (Present and Past, Celine Dion fan for the ages)