Life has been lifing lately… nothing too rough or bad to report from here. Just I think we’re all feeling it right? Heaviness, uncertainty, malaise.

Despite that, all in all, I’m ok all things considered.

Since my last dispatch, I can report that I’ve been feeling crunchy in my creativity practice.

What does crunchy creativity mean? Good question - I suppose it is not smooth. You know, like the peanut butter - JIF all the way (we are not a Skippy family) - the red label indicating all the peanuts are ground up, the blue, with a side of some crushed peanuts for your pleasure.

Or dismay… I know that is also quite the debate, to yay or nay on the crunch factor in a peanut butter. Oh what troubles to have if that’s the biggest hardship in one’s life suffering through the kind of peanut butter you don’t prefer.

Crunchy creativity, like a joint popping into place.

Crunchy creativity, like takes an extra hard bite to get through.

Crunchy creativity, like not much is going smoothly but it’s still going, and it’s ok.

Part of it I’m sure is having to navigate the current reality that is for me as a queer Latinx person residing in rural Minnesota during this political and ecological era.

There’s a lot happening out there folks! The volume is loud.

And, I’m still recovering from a mental health crisis/breakdown brought on by burnout that led me to a true reevaluation of the meaning of how I was living my life.

I’m happy to report I have more than just a sip in my cup now, though I’m not even to halfway yet. Phew (insert the emoji with the puff of air blowing out!)

And so, the fact that this small painting took me months to finish feels crunchy. I’m going to be ok with that, because what a painting for our times it is.

I have spent this month mostly following the creative whims however crunchy they may be, and for that I am quite proud of myself.

But what should I do with this painting? Where should it go? How should it do it’s work outside of Studio Utopia now that it’s birthed?

I’m finding it difficult to do the administrative work of being an artist. I’m tired of pleading with funders to “pick me” with each grant application. I am not finding joy in finalizing my taxes, updating the website, and the neverending bookkeeping! Not to mention the daily tasks of trying to live— get the new tires on Old Girl, YNAB, somehow get through the personal admin in addition to the business admin. Go to PT, go to the therapy, meditate, go to yoga… Phew, it’s enough to get tired all over again just writing this out.

And, of course, all I want to do is paint and go to my yoga studio. Could I just trust that doing the work could be the way forward, instead of chasing grants and fellowships?

A friend recently asked me that. And I’m still thinking on it.

What if (I keep having to ask myself) I could put painting first and everything else would simply have to fit around my painting practice?

Could I let the other admin stuff go a little? Why is it that painting seems to be the thing I most need and also the thing I am most willing to give up when time starts constricting?

I’m doing ok at noticing this more and more, and yet still improvements can be made.

So on that note, here I am at the astrological start of the year (Aries season) reminding myself of the rewards when I follow the energy and momentum of showing up to Studio Utopia and doing something, anything however crunchy or smooth it may be, is the way.

May whatever is the way for you be within your grasp and practices too.

PS: Please join me over on my Ko-Fi site where I give behind the scene peeks at works in progress. My Ko-Fi members have been seeing this painting come to life, and other studio behind the scenes that I don’t share elsewhere!