Overpacking is Art

Delta sent me an email welcoming me back into the air since the pandemic began. I was charmed in the way that one can be charmed by a corporation that wants loyal customers and slightly concerned - like how did they know it was my first flight back in the air since January of 2020 when I accompanied Vaimo to Puerto Rico as she conferenced and I “yoga-ed” beachside? I’m sure my Delta Skymiles card gave me away, but given it was legitimately my first flight in one and a half years it was kind of momentous. I think it was probably the longest I’d stayed grounded in my adult life. When I left New Mexico for college in Kansas flying became routine, zipping from MCI to ABQ on holidays, or other family meet-ups. When you choose to move away from your family, flying becomes a necessary means of travel especially when you don’t have a car or when driving across this vast geography takes longer than the amount of time you can enjoy a visit with your loved ones. While I was grounded the last year and a half I worked a lot on my flight anxiety. I know my anxiety stems from claustrophobia and not being in control, but if you’ve ever had a panic attack in the air I assure you it’s worse than one on the ground. It becomes particularly torturous to panic in the air, because one of the ways suggested for calming one’s body and mind is grounding, placing your feet on the ground, making contact with the solid earth below. And when I found myself longing for travel in all those days that we couldn’t, I vowed if I got to take a trip again I wouldn’t freak out in the sky and instead replace that fear with wonder like I had in my youth. And that mostly worked (alongside my other methods of calming before takeoff) on that fateful first flight back in the air, but in all that time longing to take to the friendly skies I did absolutely nothing to address my overpacking problems.

I realized I’d overpacked for a recent trip to visit my bestie soulmate when I was wheeling fighting the mid-size roller suitcase from the parking lot to the terminal, while it held my overstuffed carryon precariously, as I carried a bubble-wrapped painting in a separate tote. I had already agreed with myself that I’m too old to be carting a roller bag through MSP on my layover, and my Skymiles card comes with a "perk" of a free checked bag with travel. I assured myself, well at least it’s not “packed to the gills” as they say. I was pumped it came in at only 28 pounds when I placed it on the scale at FAR. But, I still thought, why must I take all of this with me? Why can’t I leave my house without 28 pounds of clothes, shoes, purses, and assorted toiletries? What sense of comfort does this feeling of having everything (and more) of what I “need” for a five day trip? What discomfort do I bring upon myself when I arrive to my destination rolling this larger than average suitcase, and my stuffed totes? My carryon included my laptop and case and assorted accessories. My sketch book, my Passion Planner, a book to read, two magazines, my embroidery (I was not going to check any of these things in case they got lost), my second pair of eyeglasses, a reusable water bottle to pretend I’m offsetting this carbon expulsion in my wake. Three snacks, my writing and sketching implements including several pens, my favorite writing utensil, the specific pens I only use in my PP, my colored pencils, the pencil sharpener. Are you bored yet? I am bored by myself. And still wondering, what is the point of all of this?

On the first flight back when I flew to Kansas, I didn’t bring my embroidery with me and bemoaned my mistake on Twitter the morning of my Grandpa’s celebration of life service. I had found myself with a few hours before convening with my hermanitas and that time I could have been stitching gave me a deep sense of regret for having not overpacked for once in my life. That trip I travelled with a small crossbody purse and a backpack. Carrying my clothes on my back for an overnight trip that would end with a 12hour drive on the other side. I was liberated and conscious of actually carrying all of my belongings on my back, had decided to pare back to just three outfits and pajamas for the short trip. There’s a tip I guess, if you have to carry it instead of wheel it, maybe you’ll take less than 28 pounds for three nights away from home.

I am a lover of things, of the material world. I always have been. I am a descendant of a grandparent with a shopping addiction that has manifested into a hoarding problem. Things bring me more comfort than not when I’m surrounded by them. I will always go for a physical copy of a book because I love the way they feel in my hand. For me, the sensory experience of turning a page is so much more satisfying than scrolling or clicking through on an e-reader or the computer. I love seeing the beauty of object in their rightful places or even not where they’re supposed to be, the collection of perfumes I barely wear, my clothes hanging in the closet. This love shines through in my paintings because I spend a lot of time looking at things, at knowing things, as trying to understand the purpose and value of things. I aim for that detail, that level of knowing to come through in the reflections of my representation of things. The challenge of trying to imbue the essence of things draws me toward still life and interiors because I want to make sense of these things in paint. Not to mention I think a lot about the many and varied cultural differences concerning the things we buy, the things we desire, the value things bring us (materially, economically, and socially) are rich places to mine when I try to capture the current moment through paint.

My art is another form of overpacking. Editing has always been a least favorite aspect of any process, whether we are talking about writing, painting, or packing. I know it must be done, otherwise chaos truly ensues. But I am so committed to my ideas, my images, my amalgamation of outfits in one suitcase that I often have a problem parting with any of them. I’m not one to "kill my darlings." If anything, the mere thought of having to kill one through the cutting floor process makes me hold on tighter! I have such challenges with letting go. Letting go of things I said to others decades ago, letting go of the choices and actions that have already created the current trajectory of my life that keeps barreling forward. These things that cannot be changed but I keep showing up to revisit, rework, remember, re-shame myself for what I could have said/done differently. Art of any form is really a process of balance, of just enough, not too much, not too little, true equanimity. Is it any wonder if I can’t take a five day trip without more than I need that I would bring that same attitude whenever I meet my canvas, or whenever my writerly self shows up? There’s just so much to share! So much context to consider. So much history to contend with, if I'm not overpacking am I even working at all? Am I alive?

I envy the folks who stroll through the airport unencumbered by belongings. Announcements from the crews on the ground share that there’s not enough room on the plane for everyone’s carry-on. "Let us take your bag, it's complementary, it will meet you at the carousel at your final destination." Planes are heavier because of people and the increased weight of suitcases with which we travel. Clearly, I’m not the only one overpacking. In the before times I would often take advantage of this, feeling like I was winning because I wasn’t paying to check my bag, and the freedom of going down the jet bridge without having to carry my belongings on my back or squeeze my bag in between the narrow aisle of the plane, true bliss! What if overpacking isn’t something I need to solve or fix? Instead it could be something I simply know about myself and account for somehow? Might there be a lesson here for my work? I am not a minimalist, I love maximalism, and I also want to be conscious on how my excesses impact others. My consumption, my hoarding, my inability to let go, my desire to fill every area of my composition with paint, the way I must work to give breathing room to my objects and my compositions is a testament that we can transform I suppose. I’m working on a new series of work that uses paint, cross-stitch, embroidery and relief printing because I can, and because it’s what I want to do. I don’t want to part with any of these processes because I’m into the overpacked lifestyle. I guess now, all I have to do is make peace with the consequences of that decision. Sure, you can buy what you forgot on the way, but why not instead, plan for everything? And then maybe one day I will have that free and light feeling of unloading my arms of the overstuffed baggage I bring with me. Until then, I will muscle through it, carrying my overpacked baggage while still finding joy in the journey.

What I’m Reading

 ¡Hola Papi! How to come out in a Walmart parking lot and other life lessons by John Paul Brammer

I listened to this book, read by the author which ended up feeling like an episodic podcast where each chapter tackles a reader letter’s question. I liked this approach which includes JP Brammer's interweaving of his story amongst the advice he gives to the reader that feels more like he's really talking to himself. As a fan of using the self (experiences, contentious/shifting identities, family, natal chart placements etc.) as a launching off point, I appreciate Brammer’s writerly style. As he came to broader knowledge through his advice column Hola Papi it shouldn’t be a surprise that he uses the advice column structure as the frame for this book. Though a narrative through-line may be missing, the collection makes up for this by delving into the navigation of coming into one’s sexuality as a mixed Chicano growing up in Oklahoma. Relatable content for me, and for those who may not come from that experience, the book provides a vulnerable glimpse into a world of growing up we don’t often have access to whether that be because of the geographic or representational focus.

Artist Offerings

• A lot of food for thought on the aesthetics of gentrification 
• Love this review of how tapestries can be used to centering women’s experiences of trauma
• Speaking of feminist content this review of the show Born in Flames: Feminist Futures makes me want to take to the skies toward the NYC Burroughs
• Preparing for another trip to Kansas and someone helped connect me with the current Poet Laureate of Kansas Hauscar Medina - I love his mission to challenge assumptions related to poetry
• I really dug this interview between Venus Williams and Adam Pendleton

Creative Ritual

Since my last correspondence I successfully delivered a community lecture on cultural appropriation - good conversations were had about the topic. I spent five days in LA soaking up the California sunshine and vacationing, a much needed break from my work which apparently can only happen if I leave my studio behind. I’ve been sketching a lot and diving into drawing learning to enhance my sketchbook journaling experience. I was trying super hard to finish a painting my Tía commissioned from me that will be the beginning of a series I am thinking through so I could bring it to her when I leave again in a few days. Unfortunately time was against me, but I’m letting go and will bring it to her in October when I will find myself in Kansas again. It will be easier to travel with a painting in Fall anyways. I am gearing up for my first ever Artist Residency which will be 10 days of me living in the Tallgrass Prairie of the Flint Hills of Kansas. I’ll be at residency from the 6th through the 16th of July with a couple of extra days on the front end to see my mama and my family in Kansas so I’m unsure if I will have a newsletter coming to you mid-July. I guess we shall see. Perhaps it will take a different form. Or, if you don’t hear from me until the end of the month, you know why! I'm looking forward to 10 days of connecting with one of my homelands (the place of my birth) and what will come of that experience in the form of two large-scale narrative paintings. I've prepped the stretchers for these paintings to happen when I return home and as part of what I will be working on during the Advanced Painting Masterclass I'll be in through the end of the month. On second thought, you all may not hear from me until August and if that is what happens, that will be okay. (Live look at me attempting to "let go"!) 

Questions to Ponder

What is overpacked in your life?
How are you thinking about your relationship to things and what you carry with you?
What are you letting go, or having trouble letting go?
Where are you seeking breathing room currently?

Thanks for journeying with me. I hope, as always, that you take what you need and leave the rest for someone else, or for another time. 

-KCF

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