A Much Needed Scrub

When the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2021 Vaimo and I were deep into our first REM cycle. Having long given up on any fantasy that we would be up to ring in the new year I had no regrets as we fell asleep around 10pm the night before the calendar changed to a new year. I’ve always appreciated the difficulties of the new year. By that I mean the amount of time it takes to get used to writing out the new year we’re catapulted into on checks, and term papers, memos, and in one’s new year goal mapping. Lately it seems, over the length of my life, and in the context of this current pandemic, these opportunities seem fewer and farther between now. I think I've only written 2021 out a handful of times so far this year. I’ve long given up that youthful optimism that the turning of that last page of my planner and the start of my new one will fundamentally change the realities in which we are currently situated. That being said, I also thoroughly enjoy the energy of get it done, Capricorn season that spans late December and much of January.

This get it done energy has inspired me to waste no time in planning and beginning to tackle the long list of house renovation and redesign projects hanging over our heads (residing under the floorboards?) at the ChicFinn Cottage. Part of this energy is a result of having the privilege of working from home throughout this last year which led to the renovation of a former doll room (ask me about that later) into my home art studio, and a junk room formerly collecting clutter into Vaimo’s new work from home office. The other catalyst for this energy has been the recent announcement of hermanita’s nuptials, and her excitement about hosting her wedding ceremony here at the ChicFinn Cottage grounds in September of this new year. We are of course excited to host her, her fiancé, and a small intimate gathering of nearest and dearest to the couple here in just a few seasons. And, as you know, the homeowner opportunities for settling in to one’s home is a lifelong project.

Cleaning is my favorite procrastinaction activity. It wasn't surprising to me that I sought solace in procrastinating from finalizing a report I was contracted to compete by vigorously scrubbing the grout of the tiles that welcome guests through our front door and into the entryway as I ushered in 2021. Given the former owners’ affinity for stick on linoleum, the fact that these are authentic ceramic tiles with grout was a pleasing decor note to me when we toured the house in 2016. Moving in to the place in mid-February of 2017 meant plopping all of our collected goods into the house and hoping for the best for finding their new permanent places in our home. These trips were seventy-five minute one-way drives from our former Moorhead house reminding us with achy sore hauling muscles of the realities of accumulation. Vaimo would “swing by” on her way to work in Detroit Lakes, driving that many hours out of the way just to catch a glimpse of the beautiful view of the lake we live on through the living room windows. The view is the first thing one sees after making into the tiled entryway. She’d hit the road again after dropping off a few boxes and weirdly shaped things we had managed to load into her car the night below. She was off to the office, back when those things were the way we worked. 

That entryway has welcomed many guests to our home, and has served as my first point of distress about how much dirt can travel into your home when your driveway is made of it. It’s been a true lesson in how the threshold between the outside and inside is so thin. Countless people have walked over these tiles to remove their shoes and come into the beauty of the natural landscape which makes living in rural so fantastic. The outside is inside, the inside is shaped by the outside. And scrubbing the grout surprisingly had not made my list of deep cleaning items necessary to complete before anything could be moved in like the scrubbing down of cabinet interiors and exteriors in the kitchen. I cannot know at what point the grout has been scrubbed beyond my recent commitment to it; I can share it’s never been scrubbed since we moved in. Given the amount of grime I have exhumed from the area I would venture to guess the previous owners too, had never scrubbed it after install. I shudder to think about what as taken root there. And as I applied my baking soda paste to the grout and scrubbed with my fullest strength and purpose with the assistance of the specialty hard bristled skinny brush made for such cleaning jobs it allowed me a respite from the 24-hour news cycle of unprecedented deaths from Covid and domestic adversaries threatening the foundation of our democracy. Always one to cope with anxiety through distraction, scrubbing grout and cleaning baseboards of the entryway after repainting the walls the vibrant yellow paint to match the walls of my interior painting “Monarch’s Return” has brought me a sense of purpose and required me to stay in the present moment to complete this refresh. My active imagination, anxiety and mostly unfounded (let’s hope) paranoia of “what if the armed insurrectionists head here next” is quieted when I remind myself that all that matters is another coat of paint on this wall. My existential dread that likes to visit the deep hole of “does any of this really matter” is temporary quelled as grout changes from a low key grey to a bright white. The physical transformation reminds me that the only constant is change.

Octavia Butler wrote about this concept through her main character Lauren in Parable of the Sower. The only constant is change is a good mantra to hold onto these days. There are so many valuable lessons in that book, a work that shifts and molds to the meanings needed in whatever time its read. A prescient tale that makes one wonder how they too might access the creative genius that Butler unleashed with that work. And of course, its forward looking wisdoms are only possible because of our understanding of the histories that shape our future realities. As someone obsessed with the earthly, material realities around us, particularly my home space and the project of domesticity, I have been thinking about some related histories in those layers of dirt and grime in my grout. The problem with history of course is that one can only be in the present moment when trying to make sense of it. The past was the present when we were there. Revisiting the past can only happen in the present. And, history is subject to the same structures and systems we co-create as humans in terms of what is valued, whose stories are worthy of being remembered, whose labors are honored, and what becomes important enough to archive beyond the intangible?

Oh if this grout could talk!

As I am inclined in this most recent series of newsletters to link these topics as metaphors for the social injustices of our time the dirty grout has been a useful place for me to think through our current change in Presidential calendars so to speak. With an upcoming inauguration, just like the flip of the calendar page to a new month, ushering in (let’s hope with no more violence) a newly elected President in place of the former will not magically change the conditions in which we find ourselves. Our democracy has always required, but now especially requires, our full participation as our utmost civic duty if we care to continue to have one. The cleaning of the grime and dirt from my grout does not erase the past steps that once worn it. The history that shaped this grout will continue to inform its newest iteration as freshly scrubbed. And simply placing my new rug on top of these tiles will never in and of itself prevent the grime build up again. Here grime can take many faces - hate, bigotry, destruction, erosion, white supremacy, antisemitism - all things we can choose to agree we will no longer tolerate. Though the mountain of dirt that will enter my house will be a problem I am going to face for the duration of my time in this home, these challenges will not result in me giving up. Instead I’m choosing the hardest path forward as a sign that I’m willing to keep fighting. My new entryway rug is a colorful choice that will likely be easily stained by mud and the elements. And still, I will allow that door to be used, because that’s what life is. A messy, glorious, challenging set of circumstances. And no matter what, I will choose beauty as utility for the sake of my joy. I’m sending warm wishes to my fellow grout scrubbers - we’ve got this. We must.

What I’m Reading

A family history

Priestdaddy by Patricia Lockwood

Last year I read one of Lockwood’s poetry collections and was really drawn to her turn of phrase, her voice is unique yet accessible, vulnerable yet strong. Based on that review of her collection a few of my newsletter readers recommended I look into her memoir Priestdaddy, which had been gifted to Vaimo by hermanita. A win win, that it was on my bookshelf and ready for an eager reader all this time! This was my first read of 2021 and I am glad I started off with a richly written and complex memoir. As someone who grew up Catholic I did not realize that it was possible for Catholic priests to be married and have children, which is the somewhat unique case with Lockwood’s family as her father converted to Catholicism from a different Christian denomination which had previously allowed him to marry and have children. The memoir is as much a family story as it is Lockwood’s coming of age tale of leaving her family home and then returning to it a decade later. I laughed so hard at certain parts of the book that Vaimo would ask me if I was ok, and then would be moved to tears by the next chapter. It felt like the first memoir in a while that was a true marvel, that there was no way I could have anticipated what was coming next, and that in my book is a gift for a reader who finds themselves rarely surprised.

A Latina in journalism history

Once I was You: A Memoir of Love and Hate in a Torn America by Maria Hinojosa

When a book has you crying at the end of the first chapter, you know you’re in for an emotional ride. Hinojosa’s reflections spanning her immigration story, to her long career in journalism, to Latin American history, to her family story is a wonder. While some may feel pulled in a lot of different directions with the book in terms of the subject matter, I found the juxtaposition between these subjects brought a richness and realness to the art of memoir. I listened to this book read by Maria Hinojosa and her voice in both the ways she puts words together and her voice as she narrates are incredibly powerful. I am glad to be on the earth with such an amazing chingona and I hope that our paths will cross again some time soon. This book will teach you a lot about the immigration system, how privatized detention facilities continue to harm people, and the role of and need for independent journalists to continue to speak truth to power.

What I’m Watching 

The Die Hard Series 

Never pegged me for an action film buff eh? Well… there is something deeply satisfying about the resolution of a stressful scenario by a hero. And isn’t John McClane just the epitome of the flawed hero that is complicated yet admired all at the same time? In our search to develop new family traditions Vaimo and I watched Die Hard in the context of it being defined as a Christmas movie given it takes place at an office building where a company is hosting their annual Christmas party. Well… Vaimo and I have now been working our way through the entire collection of John McClane’s adventures over the last few weeks. Last weekend we watched the fourth Die Hard (Live Free or Die Hard) with hopes of finishing out the fifth installation (A Good Day to Die Hard) sometime soon. I’m struck in our current moment about how so much of John McClane’s actions of investigation and tenacious sisu could be a masterclass for people who study leadership. He’s always leading wherever he is in the org chart (sometimes against orders), is deeply committed to the mission of punishing bad guys, and is not willing to put up with bureaucratic bullshit. On the flip side, intense manifestations of American exceptionalism as embodied by this white, able-bodied, buff dude feels particularly troubling given the ways guns and muscles do not inherently represent “good.” Further, the audience is made to see John McClane as a “cowboy” without offering and historical context to the history of that masculine construction. Anyways, in spite of all this I can’t seem to look away.
(Image of a wall tapestry designed by Florian Rodarte) 

Artist Offerings

• A friend sent me this link to a round up really interesting short documentary films only available for the next 72 hours (through Jan 18th) organized by One Billion Rising to share stories of hope and of women’s relationship to nature in a theme of films they’re characterizing as Cosmic Connections.
• This virtual exhibit sponsored by Self Help Graphics and Art called Intersections highlights race, class and gender through the work of three recent MFA grads in LA.
• A new blue pigment is hitting the scene!
• In the context of building new archives I’ve been interested in learning more about the Feminist Art Coalition.

Creative Ritual

What a wild first couple of weeks of the year! Feels a lot like the chaotic 2020 we all sighed in relief to leave behind. My creative ritual has been mostly in the realm of cleaning and clearing. I cleaned up and organized my studio space after the whirlwind of getting a show off to a gallery. Clearing room for new work, I set up my space with a new tabletop easel hermanita gifted me for Christmas. I framed and matted a print that I dropped off for a show that will be up soon at the Kaddatz called Hindsight 2020. It should surprise no one that the piece is a print where I reflect on the connection between humans throughout history making art no matter the circumstances. I will be doing a zoom artist talk for my Interior Intimacies show if all goes well on January 20th at 6pm and I will be interviewed about the show on KAXE radio Monday morning of this upcoming week. I am looking forward to the second half of this month bringing a wave of productive painting sessions!

Questions to Ponder

What grout needs to be scrubbed in your house?
How is elbow grease an important part of your rituals?
What lessons does a deep clean bring for you?
What does democracy mean to you? How are you working to shape it toward broader, new visions?

Thanks for journeying with me. I hope, as always, that you take what you need and leave the rest for someone else, or for another time. 

-KCF
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