When I prepped for my visit to Guam, a small, lush island with my then fiance in 2021, I pictured us drinking icy pina coladas, hiking under palm trees, floating in the salty sea and peacefully basking in the sun with nothing on our minds but which beach we should drive to next. I pictured ease, fun, and an overall delightful trip where I got to experience a part of my soon to be husband’s heritage while catching my breath after a jarring couple of pandemic years. 

I was wrong. 

Instead, I experienced one of the most painful vacations of my life. And let me be clear, it wasn’t Guam’s fault. Guam just happened to be the place that held me while I was blasted with the conflicts my soul was apparently needing at the time. To sum it up in a not so pretty bow, while I was on my trip, I was told by not one but two friends that I was selfish, dramatic and needed to become more self aware. At the time this felt like a slap to my sunburnt, chapped face. Me??? A spiritual guide and therapist, needs to be more self aware??? How dare you??? Lol my ego was loud AF. 

Guam had a different phone service than what I have on the main land so I couldn’t check my messages until I had wifi which was basically in the morning and at the very end of the day. So when I was out adventuring with my love, I was aching with anxiety, wondering what I would be accused of next or what gossip about me I would be made aware via another screenshot. Y’all I was SPINNING out. I was creating stories in my head that not only these two “friends” no longer wanted to be connected with me but that all my friends were not waking up to the fact that I was a bad person and no longer wanted to be in relationship with me. 

I couldn’t enjoy the pina colada, or the sun, or sea. I even had TWO massages that I could barely sit through because I was buzzing with fear. I fully recognize that these are privileged person problems. Anyway, I actually asked one of the massages to end early because I needed to go check my texts at home.  And my social media because paranoia had me convinced they had all posted horrible things about me in their instagram stories. You could say,  I chose not to enjoy it. I had a millions techniques and tools I could use to help this anxiety, to tell a new story that was more healthy and helpful but I chose to spin out. It resulted in me coming home more exhausted than when I left for the trip which is saying a lot because when I left for Guam, I was getting over a week long flu. 

Upon returning home, I faced one of my biggest fears.