Global Excl. US Top 20 Ranked (April Fools)
It's tradition!
Back at my old blog, I used to do this thing every April Fool’s where I surprised people by ranking the Top 20 on the Billboard Hot 100, but with a twist that completely derails the idea into a different ranking. It started in 2018 when I had the fun idea to rank the Top 20 of a completely different year instead of the one I was supposed to be focusing on. Then, I switched things up in 2019 where I made a Top 20 ranking, but put my order in reverse and actively shit-talked the songs I liked and praised the ones I hated. Finally, last year, I ranked the bottom 20 of that week instead of the top. Originally I just did it for fun, but over time I think it became more of an experiment to expand on the idea of “Top 20 Rankings” and have some fun with it without having to rely on a rotating chart cycle that forces me to be redundant about the songs I write about. I see this a lot with friends who regularly review the Top 20, and it was especially bad last year when several songs just stubbornly stuck around throughout the entire year. And because 2021 is such a slow year for music so far, that could easily happen again. Which is why I only do these once a year, but I try to have some fun with it and approach interesting angles that don’t make this feel like an obligation.
So this year, instead of ranking the Top 20 on the Hot 100, I’m gonna rank the Top 20 on the Global Hot 100. They released sometime last year and don’t get nearly enough attention from chart-watchers who are too attached to the Hot 100 to leave it behind. I’ve been growing frustrated with the Hot 100 anyway. Feels more and more transparent lately how much Billboard is allowing money to influence their charts, and I don’t even mean backdoor dealings or whatever. Radio should not be as intensely strong as it is now, and the only reason why is that streaming consumption is down due to a lack of major releases and the pandemic. Thus putting the influence of both platforms terribly out of balance. At least the Global charts don’t count airplay so that it’s more based on consumption and popularity rather than who’s getting the most spins. Plus, we get so much more variety on these charts than the Hot 100. No recurrency rules so we can see which songs are still going long after their runs ended, some international hits that maybe aren’t huge in the US but they are everywhere else, and a large enough pool that it’s not the same as the Hot 100’s pool. Although, because the American market has such an intense grasp on the music industry, most of the songs on the Global Hot 100 are American hits anyway. Which is why I elected to look at the charts that exclude US Hot 100 stats. Just to make things a little more interesting.
I also won’t be ranking this list. April Fool’s, I guess? I’m kind of sick of ranking things. I just wanna talk about the songs as they are. Doesn’t matter who’s better than who. I just love music!
1. Peaches by Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caeser & Giveon
This ended up lining up with the impact of Justin Bieber’s new album Justice on the charts, so we’re gonna see a bit more of him throughout this list. I have no interest in Justice, really. I know what it is. It’s a course correction to fix Bieber’s brand and refocus his attention towards a new audience that will eat up his “saved fallen angel” arc now that younger audiences have essentially abandoned him. This song going to #1 is more of a feat on the growing popularity of Giveon than anything to do with Justin Bieber. But that’s not entirely fair, is it? It’s not like Giveon and Daniel Caeser are guaranteed hitmakers. Hell, you’d think the song with Khalid or The Kid LAROI would be the ones to finally give Bieber another #1. Obviously, there’s more to the song than just the features.
I’m almost mad that this song tuned out so well. The timing is alarmingly perfect. A bright, shimmering beat that gives you the warmth and comfort of a summer day, Bieber’s chorus has been stuck in my head all week, Daniel Caeser and Giveon fit naturally within the song and its relaxed summer vibes, and getting big in April guarantees that “Peaches” is going to stick around for a while as we head towards the summer. It occasionally bothers me that Bieber has had so many hits this year because of incessant radio and finding an audience just big enough to keep him afloat. But in this case, I don’t mind it, because it’s a great song. Easily his best since “Sorry”. Although I will say it could have been way better if it was made by someone else. I’m sorry, I know that’s petty, but this style just doesn’t fully work with Bieber’s mediocre vocal talents. It’s a good vocal melody and cadence, but Bieber’s voice adlibbing this kind of slang so clearly borrowed from black artists sticks out like a sore thumb. If this chorus was done by Drake or Anderson .Paak, maybe a female vocalist like H.E.R. or Jhene Aiko (which I wrote BEFORE Mark made the same comment on Billboard Breakdown btw), it’d probably be a contender for song of the summer. But I also realize that’s just me wishing for a bit more, and what we got is still a pretty great song.
2. Save Your Tears by The Weeknd
This is probably the best time for late-album singles to thrive as hits. Not a lot of artists are confident in starting new eras before the vaccine becomes more widely available which is why you’re seeing a lot of them start pushing for deluxe editions or releasing singles really late into their album’s run. I guess I can deal with that from most of the big names, especially if it means “Save Your Tears” can get the run that “In Your Eyes” never got. This was always going to be the next single. It’s a fan favorite, very radio-friendly, and it’s also one of the best songs on an already fantastic album. It’s great getting to re-experience this song all over again in its flashy disco glory. It’s the middle ground between The Weeknd’s impulse to delve into bad habits and breaking out of that habit to actually be there for someone he cares about. It’s like walking through a house of mirrors. Every step you think you’re getting closer, but you keep seeing yourself end up in the same spot you were before. Constantly seeing that reflection of yourself and realizing you kind of hate what you are. Even if you try to escape it, there’s part of you that wants to come back over and over again just because it’s safe. That, or you fear that maybe this is the person you are all along.
3. drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo
This is one of the most brilliant songs of the year, and in retrospect, I’m not even a little bit surprised this became 2021’s first major hit. It’s brilliant in a way I’m not even sure Olivia Rodrigo planned it to be. On the surface, it’s a very easy song to explain. Olivia and her boyfriend planned to visit all sorts of places when she finally got her driver’s license, but when they broke up, Olivia is now burdened with the thought of all those memories they could have had together completely torn apart. Now she spends her days driving past his house, thinking about what could have been. The more I think about this concept and how it’s executed, I always feel more and more impressed. This is such a simple idea. This story has probably happened and been told thousands of times before. But the story Olivia tells still feels wholly unique. She lived through this. These emotions aren’t exaggerated or underplayed. They’re exactly how she feels. And it resonates so well because it’s populist enough to be universal, but personal enough to belong solely to Olivia. But she can still share her sadness with others who also need a shoulder to cry on. Who have their own houses to drive by and reflect on the lost memories that could have been. Their own blonde girl to confirm everything you feared about the person you thought you know. Again, all of this is so simple, and it works so, SO well!
Even the production makes me excited! Starting the song with the sounds of a car staring and smoothly transitioning it into the production? I love that! And it continues throughout the song in ways that are so subtle you barely notice them! This could have so easily been really corny and overdramatic, but it’s just the right amount of drama that you buy into it and sing along. My favorite part of the song is without a doubt the bridge. The production nails the swell into the multi-harmonic sea of voices, and Olivia reaching the breaking point where her sadness forms into anger is so spot on that it still throws me off. I’ve never seen an f-bomb dropped in an otherwise family-friendly song land so well on a song like this. It’s the moment where every emotion bubbling inside of you explodes at once, and you can’t help but let it all flow out. What a moment. What a song.
4. Astronaut In The Ocean by Masked Wolf
I’m gonna be honest, this one has completely blindsided. I have no idea where the fuck this song came from. Masked Wolf wasn’t on anyone’s radar until now, it’s not particularly tied to any current trend in hip-hop, and yet it’s becoming an unavoidable monster hit. This almost feels like a fluke. I guess recently there’s been an increase in popularity with rappers like NF and (*gag*) Tom Macdonald that seems to be a hit with the older crowd looking for a bit more “““substance””” in their hip-hop (plus a lot of religious imagery but that’s too much to unpack). But even then, what makes this one stand out above all of them and cross over to everyone? I guess I kind of get it if we look at this song solely through its sound. I will admit the beat is very, very good. The pluck of the dirty guitars against the rushing trap beat and rumbling bass does pack quite a punch. Catch me on a good day and I’ll probably jam along to this chorus. Where I hit a roadblock with the song is Masked Wolf himself. He reminds me a lot of Joyner Lucas (who is probably kicking himself for not having a song as big as this one right now), mainly in his voice and aggressive delivery that leads to some admittedly impressive and fast flows. Problem is, he has the same problem as Logic and Eminem where despite having some really solid flows, the actual words being said aren’t all that impressive. Or mean anything, really. Everyone makes fun of the “I believe in G.O.D./Don’t believe in no T.H.O.T.” line (rightfully so), but the whole song has these bizarre lines that are clearly meant to keep up the rhyme pattern but end up sounding really unnatural and strange. Take this passage for instance.
Put what on a frame? The song? Your skills? Who are we blaming? Or rather, who are we not blaming? Who are you talking about? Everything that you say? You say I’m deflating? In what way? What are you elevating? When did you ever imply you were pranking us? Walking on a plank? Like pirates? Are you saying you’ll make me walk the plank like a pirate? And afterward, you’ll… sing? And suddenly we’re onto talking about God, and praying???
Do you see what I mean? I just don’t get what the fuck is going on in this song. I can’t tell if he’s just flexing, or trying to offer some blessings for his come up, or if this is about his devotion to God or anything. It feels directionless. Rhyming for the sake of rhyming and not because you’re actually skilled as a songwriter. I dunno, I don’t think I dislike the song, but I’m definitely not impressed by it. I can see this souring on me pretty hard by the end of the year.
5. Dynamite by BTS
Well… I still like the song. It’s only still here because the Army is relentless, but eh. I’m over it.
6. Wellerman by Nathan Evans
I joked earlier this year that the Tik Tok sea shanty was one of the best hit songs of 2021 so far. Though part of me wasn’t entirely joking. Not because I expected it to be a Hot 100 hit or anything, but because I did think “Wellerman” counts as a hit song for the year regardless of its Billboard performance. Hilariously, “Wellerman” ended up becoming a huge hit overseas (HA) once it was released officially and given a dance remix, so really, the joke’s on me. Honestly, I wish I was more enthused about the official “Wellerman” release than I actually am. I think it’s mostly because the novelty of the original Tik Tok has worn off at this point so extending its life doesn’t have the same spark as before. Plus, the official release has a couple of things that I just don’t like as much as the Tik Tok version (namely the addition of “huh”! in between the chorus and verses, and the bass just isn’t as thick as I’d want it to be). Still, I did greatly enjoy the trend at its peak and the sea shanty still makes me while whenever I hear it. Godspeed, lads.
7. Hold On by Justin Bieber
Back to Bieber for a moment, and I am once again in the position of liking the damn song. Look, I’ll be honest, for as little interest I have in Justice, its singles honestly aren’t that bad. They’re pretty safe and unassuming, but I guess having Jon Bellion become the Jack Antanof to your Taylor Swift will do that for you. Though, it kinda just makes me wish Jon Bellion made the song for themselves. I like “Hold On” a lot though because it feels like it’s the most within Bieber’s wheelhouse. His energy matches the punchy bass beat, the synth that sounds like a bright green laser is great, I like the danger within the song’s atmosphere, the hook’s really good, it’s a really solid song! Not quite among Bieber’s best, but still one that kept my interest all the way through and reminded me that for as annoying and privileged as Bieber is, he still has an undeniable talent.
8. Leave The Door Open by Silk Sonic
I remember the night I learned that Bruno Mars and Anderson .Paak formed a retro R&B duo called Silk Sonic, and I was overwhelmed by what an incredible concept it was. Bruno Mars and Anderson .Paak. How did I never consider this??? What a brilliant meeting of the minds! Both are incredible performers with a bit of cheese in their music but they have enough natural cool to make every song they make infectious and lovable. Though Bruno is more of the showman while Andy is the smooth talker. God, seriously, what an inspired collaboration! Their first venture as a duo is everything I ever wanted out of it. The clean, authentic production that calls directly back to old-school Motown with all the glitz and glamor you get from the 60s era of funk and soul. It’s so blatant in its pastiche that pointing it out is redundant. You’d think that would distract from the song fitting into modern trends, but the truth is it doesn’t need to. Bruno has always been a master of taking nostalgic sounds and throwbacks and making them so good that they defy modern trends. “Leave The Door Open” is just his latest example, with a monster of a hook and absolutely mesmerizing harmonies that build into one of the greatest moments in music this year, the bridge and outro. Seriously, that’s the moment when the song goes from great to legendary. Anderson .Paak is just as good on the song, adding that bit of slick cool where he takes command of the room. Everyone’s eyes are on him and his undeniable charisma. To the point where he can outright tell you to shut your mouth and you still swoon. But I think what I love most about this song is you can tell how much fun everyone had with it. There’s a spark of joy that bursts through the song’s shimmering gold coat, and every moment feels like they’re ready to take the world by storm. Arguably, they’re already there.
9. Blinding Lights by The Weeknd
You’re still here? It’s over! Go home! Go!
10. The Business by Tiesto
“Roses” seems to have begun a renaissance of club songs that feature pitched vocals, thrumming bass, and smokey atmospheres crawling all over the charts. There’s another (much worse) example later down the line, so evidently, this is not a fluke. In fact, it’s the revival EDM has needed for years now. So good for them! Electronic music is relevant again! Shame “The Business” sucks. I’ll give it credit for a sticky hook and an admittedly tight bassline, but the song itself is lacking a lot. The pitched-down vocals from James “Yami” Bell feel really lacking in any sort of emotion, least of all sex. The whole song sounds so dour and low energy. It dwells in its murkier atmosphere a little too much, and I find it hard to really dance to this song or feel the sensual energy I felt with “Ride It”. Aside from the vocal melody on the chorus, it’s just not catchy. This bassline deserved a better hook and a better vocalist.
11. telepatia by Kali Uchis
This was a wonderful surprise I didn’t expect out of this year! I listened to Sin Miedo (del Amor y Otros Pesamientos) earlier this year as part of my 2020 catchup, and I mostly liked it, if felt it was a little unmemorable. Listening to it, the song I singled out as the album standout was “telepatia”. I didn’t expect that it would suddenly become a massive streaming hit and one of the most unexpected sleeper hits of the year thus far! That’s awesome! I already thought the song was excellent, and I’m thrilled to see everyone else agrees! This grabbed me so much because of how soothing this song is. Kali Uchis’ voice is like butter against the shiny synths and the sparkling chorus. Plus, the way she goes back and forth between English and Spanish singing is so natural you barely even notice that it happened. Although, maybe it’s because you’re caught up in the blissful, lovestruck atmosphere. It really does feel like you’re levitating in a haze of pink and white. Speaking of which…
12. Levitating by Dua Lipa ft. Dababy
Now that I’ve let this remix sit with me for half a year, I can definitively say I cannot imagine this song without Dababy anymore. In just one verse, one intro and a few adlibs, he breathed new life into “Levitating” and reminded me of what a phenomenal song it is. Honestly, it’s made me consider that maybe I put the song too low on my songs list last year. But then again, it feels like a different song with Dababy on board. Its best elements are still intact, but Dababy is such a perfect fit for the song’s groove and celebratory vibe that we might as well consider him the successor to Pitbull. We didn’t appreciate Pitbull enough at his peak, so I’m going to appreciate Dababy’s ridiculous verses enhancing the song as much as I can.
13. On The Ground by ROSÉ
I’m not quite familiar enough with BLACKPINK to have a favorite member. Even if I did, I’m not sure it’d be ROSÉ. Not that I dislike her, she just doesn’t stand out to me as much when I listen back to my favorite BLACKPINK songs. “On The Ground” doesn’t really change my mind. It’s not bad, ROSÉ is a good singer, and the melody has a decent foundation. I’m just not in love with the production, which is really clunky and heavy in a way that overshadows the melody and doesn’t bring enough force to make that drop hit as hard as it should. It doesn’t help that the drop itself is really scratchy and not all that memorable. If they wanted to make the song really imposing or dramatic, they kinda dropped the ball on it. Sorry.
14. Bandido by Myke Towers x Juhn
Myke Towers has quietly become the biggest name in Latin pop and reggaeton. Though that’s mostly because the guy ends up on so many songs that pretty much every big Latin song on the verge of crossing over involves him somehow. So far he’s been kind of hit and miss for me. He’s appeared in enough songs I like that I don’t outright dislike him, but I can’t find that much of a personality or force behind him to make me convinced he’s worth this incredible push. Hell, even on this song, I found Juhn to be the more distinct of the two, and he just sounds like the reggaeton Jeremih. I don’t have much to say on “Bandido” honestly. I’ve learned to stop assuming every reggaeton hit sounds the same just because of the drum rhythm, but at the same time, this doesn’t really do anything to blow me away or find that right melody and texture to make the song stand out to me. It’s fine, but I also don’t really care about it.
15. Dakiti by Bad Bunny x Jhay Cortez
By contrast, “Dakiti” does a lot more to stand out and work for me. I was always fascinated by the song’s very dark, sour beat. It has those same danceable rhythms, but something still feels off. The bass rumbles like thunder, and the theremin-like synth gives you the impression that we’re dancing for the wrong reasons. Bad Bunny and Jhay Cortez work wonderfully with each other. The way they bounce their verses back and forth with each other as they express the heartbreak that’s tearing them apart makes for one of the darkest, but still oddly cathartic break-up songs in recent memory. That’s before I even get to the outro, where the bass gets even more rumbly and the synths seem to swell into this nightmare of lightning and dark clouds. I wish I appreciated this more at its peak. Better late than never I suppose.
16. Heartbreak Anniversary by Giveon
I remember once in 2018 I predicted that there was going to be an R&B renaissance hitting the charts soon. I was seeing some songs like “Boo’d Up” and “Best Part” start to gain traction, and it made me feel like we were going to start seeing a lot more R&B on the charts. It’s not that it never happened or anything, I just think it was delayed three years? Maybe it’s the rise of melodic, personal trap that’s become very popular in recent memory, but it feels like now we’re getting that big R&B revival. Everyone’s sad, moody, maybe freshly heartbroken after the pandemic tore apart their relationships. It’s only natural that this genre would see a big revival in the mainstream. At the front of the pack is Giveon, once just a feature on a pretty solid Drake song, now a rising star gaining a ton of traction and attention and officially getting a #1 hit thanks to being recruited by Justin Bieber for “Peaches”. This guy has a ton of potential. His voice is strange, but he has so much passion and love pouring out of it that you get used to it very quickly. Not to mention the way he taps into those deep feelings of heartbreak and desire that make his heartbreak songs more compelling than others in his lane.
I just want to say that half the reason I love this song is that I’m always floored by what a brilliant song title this is. “Heartbreak Anniversary”. In just two words, you can fill in the story that the title suggests. The day when one year ago today, they broke your heart, and you haven’t fully recovered. Giveon nails the melancholy of remembering the day your heart split in half. The memories that still linger in your mind as you try to shake off the overwhelming sadness this day brings to you. All you’re left with is the desperate desire that maybe they miss you too. That they also think about today and everything that came before it. Still, it’s implied in the song that she might not, as she’s already moved on to bigger, and better things. And yet, you’re stuck here. Holding on to a relationship that has long since ended and can’t recover. That fucking sucks. Even if you may be in a better spot and a better person than you were in that relationship, you know those memories, and remembering their smile is enough to wallow in, even if just for a single day. It’s got a big sing-along hook that I never fail to bellow along with and reminisce on my own “heartbreak anniversary”. Hell, maybe the reason that title strikes me so much is because I do have one of those. And even after all these years, when that day rolls around, I still think about it.
17. Friday by Riton x Nightcrawlers ft. Mufasa & Hypeman
I have GOT to stop reading this artist’s name as “Rixton”. They don’t even go by that name anymore! Look, I gotta be real, I don’t think I like this one. It’s a remix of another remix recontextualized to be a modern club jam with a catchy partytime chorus and a bouncy synth. Could be a fun time, but I mostly found it annoying. Doesn’t help that the Nightcrawlers remix this builds off of is the same once sampled in “Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull. That was a surprise to find out midway through my first listen. It feels like there’s too much going on in the song. Too many instruments, too many melodies, too many hooks, a bunch of artists who I’m not even sure are actually in the song, it’s kind of an overstuffed mess. It is a club jam, so I imagine this sounds better inside of a big, flashy nightclub instead of alone in my room at midnight, but I don’t think I’d lose my mind to this song if I really was in a big, flashy nightclub anyway.
18. Goosebumps by HVME & Travis Scott
This is stupid. I have no idea where this mediocre remake of “goosebumps” by Travis Scott came from where they give it the whole pitch-shifted, bass-heavy dance beat treatment came from, and alarmingly this isn’t the only time they’ve done it to an already big mainstream song. If you go into Lithuania’s Youtube channel, you’ll find countless weird club remixes of random songs with the same style and the vocals re-recorded by some white person we’ll never find out the name of. For a while, this remix of Goosebumps was just some random white dude singing it until Travis Scott himself gave them permission to use his vocals on official releases. It’s not a bad idea on paper, I guess, but I just don’t understand what you gain from a remix like this. It’s too slow to really excite people at the club, it doesn’t give the song a fresh new take so much as it just makes it part of another genre, it strips the unique, monstrous identity that has kept the song consistently popular long after its chart run, I just don’t get why anyone would choose to listen to this remix over the original. There are better bass-heavy club bangers to choose from. Of all the songs on this Top 20, this might be my least favorite. I just don’t understand the point of its existence.
19. Mood by 24kGoldn & Iann Dior
I didn’t talk about El Dorado in my upcoming quarterly album review. It’s good, I had a lot of fun with it, but it also met my expectations so exactly it pretty much left no surprises for me. Look, 24kGoldn is a talented guy, and he knows how to pull off a phenomenal hook. But I worried that his debut was going to consist of throwing singles at the wall and seeing what sticks. Try as he may, I’m not sure he’s gonna surpass this song anytime soon. That said if the label wanted to eradicate the possibility of him being a one-hit-wonder, “Love Or Lust” is waiting for that pop and alternative radio push… Any day now.
20. Anyone by Justin Bieber
And thus, we end on Jon Bellion’s newest single, “Anyone”. Okay, that’s petty, but I did say that a lot of what I heard from this album feels like it's being driven entirely by Jon Bellion’s songwriting. “Anyone” is the most blatant one, as it wouldn’t sound out of place on The Human Condition or Glory Sound Prep if they just replaced the vocalist. But you know what? Who said that had to be a bad thing? Bieber is already drained of most of his personality. If he needs Bellion’s touch to deliver on a really solid love song, who’s to stop him? It’s not a top tier song by Bellion standards, admittedly, but I do like how he actually takes the themes of dedicating himself to his wife and how she may be the only person in his corner and puts it to a pretty anthemic, explosive song with a good hook and some really nice harmonies on his vocals! It’s a good song! Kind of annoying I ended up liking all the Bieber songs I covered on this list, though. Makes me wonder if I should give that album a chance. Eh, maybe not. Not exactly excited to hear a duet between Bieber and The Kid LAROI.