2019, a Review In Tweets

                November 11, 2020

            2019, a Review In Tweets

            Late last year, I started doing a compilation of some of my best (mostly humorous) tweets that I made in 2019. For one reason or another, I never actually sent it. Possibly because Substack gives me an error message saying it’s “too long for email” and I’m not sure what will actually happen when I publish it, but seeing as I’m currently tweetsona non grata (six more days!), I thought I might as well dust it off and see if it will let me put it through.

It’s interesting reading this and being reminded of events from The Before Times, back before so much of the world ground to a halt and so much of the rest of it went completely off the rails. Don’t know if anyone else will find it interesting, but, eh. There’s definitely some gems in here.

January

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinBUSTED!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez claimed to be only 17 years old when she was in high school, well below the Constitutional age requirement to be in Congress. So now she *SUDDENLY* claims she's 29. 

Which is it, "Sandy"?January 3rd 2019
48 Retweets490 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin"Did Mackenzie Bezos REALLY do half the work to make that 120 billion dollars?"

Do you think Jeff Bezos did half the work? You get a lot of Amazon orders lovingly packed by Jeff lately?January 10th 2019
738 Retweets3,452 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
One Punch Man is an anime about a guy who never gets a free latte or sandwich or yogurt because he can never keep track of his cards. He's got a whole shoebox full of reward cards he found doing his laundry, all of them with just a single punch. He never puts them in his wallet.January 13th 2019
128 Retweets867 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinJ.R.R. Tolkien: Clive, centaurs and fauns are Hellenic. Dwarves are Germanic. You can't just take creatures from different mythoi and stick them together in a secondary world!

C.S. Lewis: *slowly slides draft of book 2 where Jesus and Bacchus party together out of view*January 15th 2019
287 Retweets1,336 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinTwitter's all a-buzz with news of Ariana Grande's new single, 7 Rings.

But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made...January 18th 2019
4,798 Retweets17,983 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Imagine if fast food workers got to go into work, clock in, and then spend fifteen-thirty minutes gathering their thoughts, telling the supervisor "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee", scroll their email, and then hang around the soda fountain until they felt like working.January 24th 2019
715 Retweets2,849 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Screw your courage to the sticking place. January 26th 2019
2 Retweets340 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I will not be accepting feedback. January 28th 2019
157 Retweets563 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Herds of Prey: The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Bo Peep Toy Story 4 @toystory
See Bo Peep in #ToyStory4 in theatres June 21. https://t.co/BihW5pkAoT
January 28th 2019
160 Retweets1,108 Likes

February

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
If Punxsutawney Plato sees his shadow, it means six more weeks in a cave with no true knowledge of reality.February 2nd 2019
208 Retweets752 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I love all the people who are "If Ruth Bader Ginsburg were alive and well then why haven't we seen photos of her?" like the newspapers and magazines are normally just full of glossy photos of Supreme Court Justices out and about.February 6th 2019
46 Retweets387 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinman in line behind me at the liquor store: Are you having a party?

me: I'm a writer...

him: Still seems a little over par.

me: ...covering the State of the Union.

him: Cheers.February 6th 2019
67 Retweets750 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Meanwhile, Vidal Sassoon was a knife-carrying, Nazi-punching anti-fascist streetfighter who went and broke up anti-Semitic groups in postwar London. Jennifer Laughran @literaticat
Listen, I love fashion, and I have a particular nostalgic soft spot for the aesthetic of Chanel, despite myself. But honestly... given that the woman was a Nazi collaborator and noted anti-Semite, can we please stop making *children’s picture books* about her? Enough already.
February 8th 2019
297 Retweets935 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I can't believe the National Enquirer guy thought Jeff Bezos would fear the threat of public shame. Adam Conover @adamconover
When you "tip" an Amazon driver, the driver doesn't receive that money as a bonus. Instead, Amazon uses it to pay them the base wage they were already promised. This is an unfair and misleading practice that doesn't match anyone's understanding of a tip. https://t.co/65BsGoTNyh
February 9th 2019
192 Retweets594 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I'm of the opinion that the best way to translate "hwæt" into modern English is to not translate "hwæt" into modern English because modern English needs to learn how to sit with words in their fullness when it's not sure what to do with them.February 11th 2019
44 Retweets371 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
On my way to steal your brunch. February 17th 2019
7 Retweets317 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin"People are so offended these days that I'm afraid to say anything."

The fear is because you're in unknown territory, dealing with consequences for speech. If you process that fear and get through it, you'll find yourself in a new place: one where you think about what you say.February 22nd 2019
996 Retweets2,911 Likes

March

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I just saw someone (admittedly mildly) critiquing #CaptainMarvel by saying "Brie starts very cold but actually came around by the end" and it's like dudes, you are describing part of the plot. It's not Brie being cold, it's Brie playing a character who experiences an arc.March 9th 2019
43 Retweets376 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin*frog icon voice*

Captain Marvel is only opening big because moviegoers are LITERALLY PAYING MONEY to theater chains to gain tickets for admission to a movie they want to see.

*gamergate intensifies*

This collusion is illegal. It's called payola and it's against the law.March 10th 2019
160 Retweets830 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
It's a shame they didn't use more lube, or something might have made it in. Complex Pop Culture @ComplexPop
J.K. Rowling reveals Dumbledore and Grindelwald had an ‘intense' sexual relationship. https://t.co/cgs6LmUWXJ https://t.co/EGUjnJHptE
March 17th 2019
79 Retweets317 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinMy thought on women covering their hair is exactly the same as my thought on anyone covering their backside: if they don't want you to see it, that's their business.

It is a question of privacy and autonomy even if you don't care about free exercise of religion.March 17th 2019
77 Retweets386 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I just had a vivid childhood flashback to my little brother insisting on selling his favorite toys at a garage sale for money, my parents letting him after trying to make sure he understood he wouldn't have them anymore, and then him crying later when he realized they were gone. The Associated Press @AP
Facebook says its effort to provide users with local news is being hindered by a lack of original reporting. U.S. newsroom employment has declined by 45 percent as the industry struggles with a broken business model partly caused by Facebook's success. https://t.co/xFZUjOPVGM
March 18th 2019
88 Retweets346 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
The best way to talk to women wearing headphones is to have an interesting podcast, or narrate audiobooks.March 22nd 2019
148 Retweets569 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Free idea for news media: I think a really compelling narrative for the 2020 race would be that all the candidates have these different positions, and what the positions are.March 25th 2019
315 Retweets1,523 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
🎵🎶🎵TRANSGENDERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE�gaROIJNewsweek @Newsweek
Laura Ingraham guest says trans people will "destroy" gender norms to create "new species"—"Human and part machine" https://t.co/YP5xpgwNhm https://t.co/hUZ4ItuQ8s
March 28th 2019
161 Retweets533 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin100% gender neutral terms our server has used to collectively address us at this meal:

- cuties
- darlings
- buddies
- beautifulsMarch 30th 2019
58 Retweets535 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I love when someone says "I don't have pronouns just call me MY NAME" or "My pronouns are MALE/MAN", it's okay, you can admit you're confused about a topic instead of covering it with anger.March 31st 2019
34 Retweets404 Likes

April

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinMore gender neutral group terms of address:
- me hearties
- mateys
- ye swabs
- bilge rats
- yon great galloping host of horrorsApril 2nd 2019
679 Retweets2,078 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Doctor Doom's origin involves him fighting Nazis and corrupt nobility, then trying to rescue his mother from the devil. Reed Richards occasionally forgets he has children when he teleports his entire building into another dimension.April 3rd 2019
96 Retweets337 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
People arguing that one of the Joker's origin stories is "canon" are like people who are super sure that they know which state the Simpsons live in.April 3rd 2019
77 Retweets526 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin*at a job interview*

I graduated from the SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS. My experience is LIFE. My references are PAIN and HEARTBREAK. In five years I see myself AGED TEN YEARS. My desired salary is KNIVES. My greatest weakness is EVERYTHING. My question for you is COME AT ME BRO.April 8th 2019
71 Retweets608 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Funny how financially stable socialists are seen as an indictment of socialism when broke and starving capitalists aren't seen as an indictment of capitalism.April 9th 2019
204 Retweets723 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Imagine if Julian Assange believed the work he was doing was important enough to not risk imperiling his freedom to do it by raping women.April 11th 2019
247 Retweets889 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinDM: Everybody roll initiative!

Fighter: *rolls 1d20 + Dex mod*
Rogue: *rolls 1d20 + Dex mod*
Wizard: *rolls 1d20 + Dex mod*
Cleric: *rolls 1d20 + Wis mod*

Fighter, Rogue, Wizard: ?????

Cleric: ...you've never heard of a faith-based initiative?April 21st 2019
194 Retweets843 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
A fun thing about Twitter's ambiguous font choices is that #HeIsRisen and #HelsRisen are visually indistinguishable.

"Are you Jesus, Son of Hammers?" April 21st 2019
89 Retweets367 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Since we have the capability to land things on Pluto's surface, we could end the planet/not planet argument for ever by sending two pieces of bread to the opposite poles and defining it as a sandwich. Thanks for coming to Ted Talk.April 27th 2019
149 Retweets489 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinSo, fun with etymology.

I just read a portion of a review of a sex doll which noted that the doll does not "pass mustard", which, I have to say is probably a desirable trait in a sex doll, in most cases.April 28th 2019
167 Retweets994 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Same dudes who call every female character who gets a spotlight "Mary Sue" are the ones who complain anytime someone writes Batman or Luke Skywalker or Nick Fury having an off day.April 29th 2019
117 Retweets517 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
What do we say to the God of Getting Literally Anything Done?April 30th 2019
340 Retweets1,088 Likes

May

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Escape routes. Educated Savage 😈 @SaWdAKiNg
Ladies, what’s the first thing you notice when a man approaches you?
May 2nd 2019
126 Retweets429 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Donald Trump discussing his legal strategy with Vladimir Putin while denying that there was any cooperation between the two of them is peak Donald Trump.May 3rd 2019
242 Retweets651 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Actually, the creators pronounce it "Endjame".May 5th 2019
154 Retweets704 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
It's building up to the reveal that this is actually post-apocalyptic earth. "House Stark" got their name from a STARbucKs sign with most of the letters fallen off. zane @zane
my favorite show in the entire world forgot a STARBUCKS COFFEE CUP ON THE TABLE WHILE FILMING https://t.co/60z3pOCfg9
May 6th 2019
128 Retweets652 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinSteak should be safe, legal, and rare.

Abortion should be available without judgment or stigma.May 11th 2019
194 Retweets765 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
The only man allowed to refer to his wife as his "ball and chain" is Gomez Addams.  don't make the rules, sorry.May 12th 2019
62 Retweets321 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I am not watching GoT but the discourse is giving me a story seed: someone finds a text in the ruins of an oracular temple and thinks they are following a prophecy, but it's actually the fan fic written by an ancient monk bored of endlessly copying the same book of prophecy.May 13th 2019
215 Retweets1,647 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin"But I don't want to go among presidential candidates," Alice remarked.

”Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all running here. I'm running. You're running."

"How do you know I'm running?” said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." ABC News @ABC
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio will release a video on YouTube announcing his campaign for president on Thursday morning followed by an appearance on @GMA. https://t.co/SxteBmAq2E
May 15th 2019
246 Retweets861 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinThe detective hands me a cup of coffee.

”Take your time. Make sure you're sure. We get this right, or he walks."

"Okay."

"No pressure."

”I'm ready."

”A little louder, for the tape.”

”I'M READY," I repeat.

"Now," the detective says, "who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"May 28th 2019
164 Retweets790 Likes

June

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
His mouth says no, but his eyes say "My father shall hear of this, Potter." Axios @axios
Jared Kushner deflects when asked if he disapproves of Donald Trump's promotion of birtherism, saying he wasn't involved with it. @dctvny @hbodocs https://t.co/D2wINVHLIx
June 3rd 2019
126 Retweets851 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Every Catholic Church has at least one prominent depiction of a bare-chested man. If you can't stand the sight of a woman's shoulders, you are not fit to shepherd the faithful. Fr. Kevin M. Cusick, LCDR (Ret.)🇻🇦 @IntroiboAdAltar
Ladies, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. Please help the priest to protect the purity of the men at holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved. Thank you.
June 3rd 2019
66 Retweets383 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinI don't know who needs to hear this, but if you ordee an amazing salad and you start getting full, you can eat around the roughage. It's just filler. Eat those candied pecans. Eat those artichoke hearts. Go for the bacon, the shrimp, the salmon.

Eat the money, leave the lettuce.June 6th 2019
75 Retweets594 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin"Hi, my name is Joseph. You can call me Joe."

"Nice to meet you, Joe."

"Hi, I'm Frank."

"Nice to meet you, Joe."

"...but I'm Frank."

"WHAT? I THOUGHT THE RULE WAS WE CALL PEOPLE JOE, I JUST LEARNED IT, NOW IT'S CHANGED, THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED, I'M OUT!" jesuschristgetouttathisplace @SOYS55889817
@ChaoticThey I find it amusing that the rules/definitions for sex/gender have become so numerous and convoluted that people who would be considered allies claw at each other over perceived slights for stuff that makes no sense in the first place.  The “phobes” don’t even need to do anything!
June 8th 2019
108 Retweets424 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinLiterally everyone thinks political correctness has gone too far, right up until they figure out the gag.

"Political correctness" is just a label to slap on whatever social niceties and considerations you don't care about. It's too far for you, by definition. The Hill @thehill
Bill Maher: "Vast majority of liberals" think political correctness has gone too far https://t.co/zJfXTa1fw1 https://t.co/9kU3kzbB8N
June 11th 2019
253 Retweets754 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
No human being is illegal. No person is illegal. People who want to outlaw other human beings go "Oh, they broke the law, what does that make them?" Not illegal. We have laws against actions, not against people.June 18th 2019
150 Retweets414 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Panel idea: It's Hard Out Here For A White Man.  Four to five people discuss the problems that white men face in the industry and life. None of them are white men.June 20th 2019
83 Retweets390 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinSome people think that when I say "abolish ICE" I don't mean it literally. They're right. Some people think I'm being hyperbolic. They're wrong.

I'm actually being hypobolic. "Abolish ICE" is an understatement, standing in for "Abolish the entire Department of Homeland Security" https://t.co/Kq1VjqtBntJune 22nd 2019
288 Retweets677 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Hear me out: if you become Bruce Lee High School, your mascot can be dragons. Myles Udland @MylesUdland
Schools named after Robert E. Lee are picking new Lee's to be named after to avoid costly signage changes. https://t.co/v6w1k6yyjx
June 24th 2019
277 Retweets1,448 Likes

’

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinme before trailer: I have no interest in a reboot of Charlie's Angels.

me after trailer: I have no interest in anything that isn't a reboot of Charlie's Angels. Charlie's Angels @CharliesAngels
Don’t judge a girl by her cover. Watch the #CharliesAngels trailer now - only in theaters November. 🎥🎶 https://t.co/EmUnrEUwtJ
June 27th 2019
204 Retweets675 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I believe in the rule of law but that includes innocent until proven guilty, which has been explained to me by right-wingers many time. According to them, we can't say Andy Ngo was assaulted or battered or even attacked unless someone is convicted in a court of law.June 30th 2019
134 Retweets436 Likes

July

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinyou: Prose should be invisible and unadorned.

me, an intellectual: C.S. Lewis stopping the entire story to say BY THE WAY, NEVER SHUT YOURSELF INSIDE A WARDROBE whenever anyone got near one in his book about Magic Wardrobe Land undoubtedly saved lives while letting him write it.July 7th 2019
53 Retweets372 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I don't know who needs to hear this, but the naming of cats is a difficult matter, it isn’t just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter when I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.July 18th 2019
92 Retweets640 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin"Gene Roddenberry said earth didn't have any religion in the time of Star Trek."

Yeah, he also said there was no more money or military, and yet *gestures at entire franchise*

Heck, the fact that humanity falsely prided itself on having outgrown nationalism was a RUNNING JOKE.July 23rd 2019
55 Retweets420 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErintherapist: And what do we do when we feel sad?

me: Go see the famous clown, Pagliacci?

therapist: ...what.July 26th 2019
224 Retweets1,059 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Nothing makes me worried that Marianne Williamson is going to become a serious contender like people going "Calm down, there's no way she's going to be a serious contender."July 31st 2019
95 Retweets472 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Whoa. Huge if true. July 31st 2019
137 Retweets620 Likes

August

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Since a megayacht tweet is making the rounds, I'll share my most specific writing tip: if you are having trouble designing a character's [flying/submersible/outer space] headquarters because you're bad at visualizing spatial relations, study luxury yacht listings and floorplans.August 3rd 2019
98 Retweets321 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
If Smashmouth thinks they've had the last word against Neil DeGrasse Tyson, just wait till he finishes his scientific analysis of their debut single "Walkin' On The Sun" because hoo boy does he have some things to say about its premise.August 5th 2019
61 Retweets460 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Neil DeGrasse Tyson voice: Actually, 30-50 feral hogs would result in a net total of -20 feral hogs, more than eliminating the problem before they even arrive in your yard.August 5th 2019
899 Retweets5,025 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
And the 30-50 hogs I admired the most -- the bacon, ribs, and the shoulder roast -- they took the last train to the coast...August 6th 2019
179 Retweets962 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul. August 6th 2019
176 Retweets524 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinI 100% support this endeavor so long as they conspicuously refer to it as "the live action" version and refuse to explain or elaborate.

When asked how this differs from the previous film, just say "Well, this one is live action." Nerdist @nerdist
Disney is working on a #HomeAlone remake. https://t.co/6RET6oaoNr https://t.co/Y4m395bcih
August 7th 2019
61 Retweets374 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErintherapist: And what do we do when we are sad?

me: Describe my maladaptive behavior in a whimsically elaborate yet detached way in hopes of validation I know isn't coming?

therapist: No.August 8th 2019
92 Retweets724 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinYou can tell fast food workers are braver than cops because fast food workers don't need special rules that say they can murder someone if they feel unsafe in order to do their jobs.

Fast food workers are also actually required to serve the public.August 12th 2019
154 Retweets664 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Just randomly remembered back when I had a subscription to Mad Magazine and they sent it in a protective cover that read "HERE IS THE PORNOGRAPHY YOU ORDERED IN A BROWN PAPER COVER".August 13th 2019
119 Retweets798 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin*a clown walks into a proctology lab*

"Butt doctor, I am Pagliacci."August 14th 2019
112 Retweets456 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinThe only thing more cowardly than the way right-wing climate deniers go after Greta Thunberg is the way they collapse into a pile of warm jelly when someone points it out.

"M-me? I? B-bully a child? Q-quarrel, sir? No, sir. I do bite my thumb but I do not bite my thumb at her."August 15th 2019
51 Retweets372 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
If you think cowboys were only or mainly white, ask yourself why they weren't called cowmen.August 19th 2019
94 Retweets407 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
What kind of weird local water table did Jack and Jill have that they had to climb a steep hill to get a pail of water? Hydrologically speaking, it is not impossible but nevertheless I remain dubious.August 20th 2019
207 Retweets1,186 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Ben Shapiro possibly more than anyone embodies the horrible truth of the current crop of conservative intellectuals: their job is to very carefully misunderstand things.August 24th 2019
477 Retweets2,147 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
One thing about calling Bret Stephens a bedbug is that he may be a censorious authoritarian windbag, he may be a vociferous supporter of rape and rapists, he may be opposed to free speech and freedom of the press, and he may be a vicious racist, but he is also a bedbug.August 27th 2019
124 Retweets689 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
"Ashtray" is just "trash" in pig latin. Really makes you think.August 29th 2019
64 Retweets340 Likes

September

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinmy doctor: Well, you must be doing something right because you lost 135 pounds.

me, here because I was bisected down the middle in a freak elevator accident: Should I be worried about this or...?

doctor: With a BMI like that, I'd say you're... all right.September 4th 2019
63 Retweets579 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
In trying to figure out  a gender neutral address a cleric would use towards others in place of "brother" or "sister" I skipped "friend" for sounding phony/vaguely threatening and landed on "neighbor" and now I have genderfluid Fred Rogers as a fantasy cleric in this story.September 5th 2019
91 Retweets1,042 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
If I can read news articles about Nicolas Cage that don't insistently refer to him as "born Nicolas Coppola", the media can get this right for trans people, too. The Chris Mosier @TheChrisMosierJOURNALISTS: when you're writing a piece about a transgender person, it is unnecessary to use their former name (if they changed their name). That's called "dead-naming."

"Dead-naming" is when someone says or publishes the name a transperson used prior to transition. 1/13
September 6th 2019
1,073 Retweets3,195 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Great work, everyone! The Daily Dot @dailydot
Howard Schultz says he won't run for president because people were mean online: https://t.co/JSTVNKJbio https://t.co/Aqj6Rc3Ojb
September 7th 2019
127 Retweets999 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Attention PewDiePie fans: all criticism of him is a heated moment that you have no right to judge us for. Stop being so PC and trying to restrict our speech. "Felix is anti-Semitic enough to not mind exploiting bigotry for bucks" is just a special phrase we say in frustration.September 12th 2019
520 Retweets2,458 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
No one uses the word "literally" to *mean* "figuratively*, you just don't understand intensifiers.September 16th 2019
91 Retweets388 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinMilo Yiannopoulos deciding he's a furry is giving me flashbacks to when he suddenly decided he was a gamer after a lifetime of making fun of them.

If you're wondering if gamers or furries are smarter... far fewer furries are falling for it.September 16th 2019
279 Retweets1,455 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinBen Shapiro: Those wokescolds will never trick me into using a made-up word!

Superman: Those what, Ben?

Ben Shapiro, fading back into the 5th dimension: CURSE YOU, MAN OF STEEL!September 18th 2019
134 Retweets779 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin"What did the president know, and when d..."

Giuliani: "He knew everything. Right away. He came up with it. Is that wrong? Is it a crime to break the law? Is it against the law to commit crimes? He shot a goldfish. He signed an executive order making executive orders illegal."September 25th 2019
378 Retweets2,164 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinright-wingers: A secret elite clique of Democrats and celebrities traffic in children in plain sight by using code words like "I'd like to order a pizza."

also right-wingers: If he didn't say "you smear Biden for me and I give you money, quid pro quo", then where's the crime?September 25th 2019
180 Retweets555 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
A public domain recording of a public domain composition which I used for editorial purposes of commenting on the song itself in strict accordance with the principles of fair use, sir. DatPiff @DatPiff
Name a song that you downloaded from LimeWire. https://t.co/tdSRAmDKGe
September 25th 2019
78 Retweets449 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinAm I In Love With This Young Woman I Saw Once For Five Minutes Or Is She Just Blonde: A Memoir of a Young Man in a Musical

Am I In Love This Young Man I Saw Once For Five Minutes Or Is He The First Man I Met Who Wasn't My Adoptive Father: A Memoir of a Young Woman in a MusicalSeptember 28th 2019
81 Retweets474 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinIf we shadows have offended,
sorry you feel that way mortals.September 28th 2019
115 Retweets449 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinRudy Giuliani: It's called "broken windows theory". If you let little things slip like broken windows or graffiti, it sends a signal that greater offenses will be tolerated.

Also Rudy Giuliani: Why do you keep picking on us for all these sketchy little things we do?September 28th 2019
164 Retweets630 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
If Trump does resign, and if he's not jailed, and if he lives as long as his father did or thereabouts, I am dead certain that by the time he dies he will be denying that he was ever president, insisting that he just went to Washington to help out, did everything he wanted, left.September 30th 2019
41 Retweets412 Likes

October

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinsociety: We made a whole movie series about how if you remove legal consequences for murder, people will do it.

also society: If we want police to to do their jobs, we have to let them kill with no legal consequences.October 13th 2019
145 Retweets531 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin*in a fancy bakery*

me: Bring me the pettiest four you have.October 13th 2019
138 Retweets881 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Hello darkness my October 15th 2019
256 Retweets1,302 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinDude at the bar here without his ID just busted out "I'm a lawyer" in lieu of proof of age.

If you're a lawyer, shouldn't you understand the law?

Guys like that are embarrassing.

"You're killing me, you're not going to help me out?"

Sir, you are dying on a hill you chose.October 19th 2019
42 Retweets650 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Ladies who get married to a man and don't take their husband's face, what's your rationale?October 21st 2019
58 Retweets520 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I think we can all agree that enforcing the law against high officials is something that should be reserved for only the gravest of circumstances, such as when they've broken it.October 24th 2019
78 Retweets346 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Tulsi Gabbard has decided to run against Hillary Clinton because she can't beat anyone who is actually in the primary.October 24th 2019
168 Retweets1,485 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinme: Hi, can I have a caramel pecan roll?

Cinnabon cashier: Sure. Would you like to try some cenobites?

me: Sure... wait, did you say cinnabites or...

Cinnabon cashier: We have such sights to show you.October 27th 2019
397 Retweets1,821 Likes

November

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinSome highlights from last night's trick or treating:

Our six foot Grim Reaper ran out of battery power about half an hour in and started just repeating the first word of his first phrase: "Don't... don't... don't..."

A child shushed him going past. "Be quiet, Mr. Don't."November 2nd 2019
81 Retweets620 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Vulcans don't say "I would sooner die than spend one second doing the thing you are inviting me to do, much less do so in your company," they say "Perhaps another time," and I think that's beautiful.November 3rd 2019
33 Retweets334 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinDon't fall in love with people like me. I will take you to museums and monuments and parks, and tell you random facts about them and also other stuff, and when I leave you will finally know why storms are named after people.

(Because it makes vital information easier to convey.)November 4th 2019
27 Retweets391 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Movie where the woman who can kill with a smile and wound with her eyes from the Billy Joel song "She's Always A Woman" is set loose and the scientists who created her are forced to let Jolene from the song "Jolene" out of cryostorage to bring her back but instead they team up.November 4th 2019
644 Retweets2,524 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I don't think OK Boomer is a slur, but I do think it's overrated and not Radiohead's best work.November 5th 2019
238 Retweets1,289 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
If you're offended by the "ok boomer" meme, relax. It's just a joke. In all actuality, nothing is okay.November 7th 2019
54 Retweets400 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinIt's weird how Batman's origin zigzags between "The Waynes were deliberately targeted for death as part of an intricate conspiracy." and "The Waynes died senseless deaths at random for no reason."

Like if sometimes Uncle Ben was killed by vampires for knowing too much.November 7th 2019
110 Retweets859 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
I for one think more billionaires should be running, but we can get to that after the election.November 8th 2019
267 Retweets1,607 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
A lot of our thinking around money policy is still based around "money is a finite supply of rocks" and not "money is a lot of stuff but a lot of it is pieces of ownership in a company that many people say they would pay a lot of money for".November 9th 2019
91 Retweets346 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinI've seen genders you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. 

Time to die. 🦋 gay monster aunt 🦋 @gaymonsteraunttake movie quotes and replace a word in them with "gender"
i'll start

"i have altered the gender.
pray i do not alter it further."
November 10th 2019
55 Retweets337 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinI'm reading the Wikipedia article about The Fast and the Furious series and if I'm following this, they just drive around in cars that stay cars? They're cars the whole time? Never turn into robots? The cars are exactly what meets the eye?

This is such a rip-off of Cisformers.November 11th 2019
68 Retweets452 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
Now is the winter of our Disney content.November 14th 2019
103 Retweets439 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinWE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION
WE DON'T WANT NO QUID PRO QUO
TELL ZELLINSKY TO DO THE RIGHT THING
NUNES LEAVE THOSE COWS ALONE November 20th 2019
815 Retweets3,352 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinYou ever go out to eat with friends and no one wants to be the person to say where they really want to go so you just wind up going to the same place you always do and no one's actually thrilled about it?

Imagine picking a leader for the country that way.

Forget "electability".November 21st 2019
159 Retweets572 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
People arguing about Boba Fett's backstory like he was somebody from somewhere who did something and not nobody from nowhere who did nothing.November 25th 2019
29 Retweets281 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
An Encyclopedia Brown book where after you flip to the back section and read the conclusion for each story, it directs you to a third section where the suspect explains the apparent discrepancy because life is more complicated than old etiquette guides and trivia books.November 26th 2019
57 Retweets536 Likes

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErin
It amazes me that @nytdavidbrooks, a man who famously couldn't figure out how to have a conversation about sandwich toppings with a friend in a different tax bracket, ever finds the gall to opine about how other rich people from New York relate to the rest of the country.November 29th 2019
59 Retweets414 Likes

December

Alexandra Ering, Are You Listening? In The Lane, S @AlexandraErinBoba Fett: Guy in cool armor that scares Han Solo but only shows up for five minutes, does nothing, dies.

Star Wars Guys: What a cool mysterious dude. He must have an amazing backstory. I'm invested!

The Widow Omera: *knows how to shoot*

Star Wars Guys: wtf. wtF. WtF. WTF.December 1st 2019
1,737 Retweets10,341 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
You know what? This is fine. December 2nd 2019
33 Retweets211 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
John Brown, too, was a product of his time.December 2nd 2019
47 Retweets151 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
A really cool thing about Twitter is how it functions the same way early search engines did like in the 90s. You can say the words "exercise routine" or "insomnia" on here and you'll get twenty things back that kind of relate to what you said but that don't actually apply to you.December 3rd 2019
25 Retweets212 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
December 3rd 2019
35 Retweets202 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
If you ask for the knowledge instead of the money, they will tell you that you should have taken the $2 million and you'll still be broke. Ike Magnifico @IkeMagnifico
3.  Would you want someone to give you $2 million right now, or would you want someone to show you how to earn $3 million?
December 3rd 2019
115 Retweets518 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErinDickens: Marley was dead.

me: Okay.

Dickens: I mean seriously super dead.

me: Got it.

Dickens: Promise you'll keep that in mind.

me: HE'S DEAD. OKAY.

Dickens: It's just, if you forget he's dead, the part where he appears on a door and then as a ghost will seem very normal.December 4th 2019
109 Retweets521 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
As reliably loyal Republican pundits try to enforce a brand new rule they made up against saying the name of a president's child in Congress, Donald is frantically trying to get Tiffany to change her name to Articles of Impeachment.December 5th 2019
65 Retweets242 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErinStraight people only, please answer this poll.

Everybody, please RT.

Paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and Davy, who's still in the navy, and probably will be for life are gay, right?December 6th 2019
553 Retweets340 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
Inviting the American Pickers and Marie Kondo to my house at the same time without telling each other as part of my new reality show where I prank other reality shows.December 7th 2019
21 Retweets180 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErinOne thing I'm interested in about the Ghostbusters: Afterlife is the question of if it's "realistic" that 30 years later, Kids These Days wouldn't know about the almostpocalypse.

Until recently, I would have cried foul. Now I'm less sure?December 10th 2019
33 Retweets243 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErinDon't listen to the critics who say the new Cats movie is too weird or too horny.

It is WAY weirder and hornier than that.December 22nd 2019
50 Retweets362 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErinChristians: Today we offer up prayers for St. Stephen.

Jesus: Hey, nice. 

Christians: The first Christian martyr.

Jesus: ...wow.December 26th 2019
13 Retweets133 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErinYoung Gamer Men: If you don't play old video games the way the developers intended you are cheating them and yourself.

Old Video Game Developers: I put in a hidden code to get all the power-ups because I can never beat this level, LOL.December 29th 2019
596 Retweets2,494 Likes

Alexandra Erin Voted For The Winner @AlexandraErin
I feel like very few directors could have shot a scene where the internet's most beloved puppet child gets punched in the head three times and come through with their reputation intact.December 31st 2019
25 Retweets236 Likes

Author’s Note:

As of this writing, I am still in “Twitter Jail” and unable to tweet or post links to my profile. If you the readers could please post a link to this post to help get it circulating in the wild, I would be much obliged.

Thank you for all the support and well-wishes (and subscriptions) you have sent me in this time!

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